New letter to Vonnegut's publisher

So it's just about the end of finals week. Thrilling.

It's Thursday, and I just had my first two exams today. Early British Lit, then Shakespeare. Dominated both. No problem.

Except that once or twice in my essays I brought in a new idea in the last paragraph. Not always good. But still, they went well.

I'm taking a minute out from a bad philosophy paper to post this. I figured I should since Christmas break is coming up, and I won't be around for a few weeks.

I might post from my parents' house, I guess. We'll see.

Here's the latest on life:

I have a new letter to Vonnegut's publisher. It appears at the end of the post. Let me know what you think. I really tried to make it easier to read. I took Paul Storti's recommendation to heart--at least, partially--and made it as attention-getting as I could. Well, okay, not as attention-getting as I could, but much more than before.

Next semester I'm taking 13 credit hours, and 3 of those are for the thesis, meaning no class time. So give me suggestions on what to do with my time.

I haven't done any Christmas shopping. Except I bought a gift for Teresa on the Internet. I'm lazy and shameful.

I believe that's all. Might not see you until early January.

Love,

Steve


THE LETTER TO VONNEGUT'S PUBLISHER:


Be thou a spirit of health or goblin damned,
Bring with thee airs from heaven or blasts from hell,
Be thy intents wicked or charitable,
Thou com’st in such a questionable shape
That I will speak to thee.

William Shakespeare, Hamlet Act I, Scene 4.

Dear Sir or Madam:

The University of Dayton will offer the mini-course “Themes in the Novels of Kurt Vonnegut” next fall. In it, students will read three to five of Mr. Vonnegut’s novels and discuss the common themes, character motivations, and meanings.

I, an undergraduate English major, will teach the course. I chose to teach this course to fulfill my required undergraduate thesis, and it is a great joy to spread the word of my favorite author.

I have all of the research I could find on Mr. Vonnegut’s work—Jerome Klinkowitz, of course; Donald E. Morse’s The Novels of Kurt Vonnegut; Stanley Schatt’s Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.; and others. I have read every novel, and have chosen several—Cat’s Cradle, Mother Night, Slaughterhouse-Five, Breakfast of Champions, and Bluebeard, among others—to focus on in the class.

That isn’t enough for me. I feel I could learn more about Mr. Vonnegut’s novels, themes, and philosophy if I spoke with him in person. For this reason, I am writing to request a personal interview with Mr. Vonnegut at his convenience between March 10 and March 19 or during the summer of 2006 (after May 8).

If Mr. Vonnegut agrees, the University of Dayton Honors Program would fund my trip to New York. I would appreciate any time Mr. Vonnegut could afford to discuss his works and his ideas.

As a member of the American youth, Mr. Vonnegut’s traditional audience, I firmly believe I am in the best position to respond to Robert Sterling Wilson’s question, “Who’s gonna pick up the torch when everybody’s dead?” I think an interview with Mr. Vonnegut would provide great help in this endeavor.

Thank you,

Steve Weishampel

It's been far too long.

Okay, I know it's been a while since I've posted.

What have you missed?

Nothing.

I get home Saturday, December 17. Come over.

I just watched the movie version of Mother Night, which is of course a Kurt Vonnegut novel. It was really really good. I never cared for Nick Nolte, but he was an awesome Campbell. John Goodman was Frank Wirtanen, the Blue Fairy Godmother. And they changed very little, which I generally like to see in movie versions of books.

Vonnegut had a cameo as a face in the crowd. If anyone else knows Mother Night, it was in the scene where Campbell just stops and stands still on a city sidewalk. A bunch of different people walked by him, with several different faces in the camera for several seconds, and Vonnegut was one of them.

But I don't think the movie will make the class. Not quite.

I don't have any exams until Thursday. Thursday I have two exams and a paper due, and Friday I have a test.

I don't really have anything else to say.

Next up for the blog is definitely that review of Jason's cell phone. I don't think he reads the blog, but that doesn't really change things. He hit a new low that Tony told me about this weekend, so I'll have to share that with you.

Auf wiedersehen.

The letter to Vonnegut's editor, part I

So I won't bother with the back story.

I've started the letter to Vonnegut's editor.

Here it is. I don't think I'm going to mention to him that I plan to check my sources on this one. I'll know for certain whether he was convicted of disorderly conduct, dammit.

Dear Sir or Madam:

As a member of the Berry Scholars program at the University of Dayton, I am required to present a thesis project during my senior year. These are designed to engage the undergraduate student with the outside world and expand his or her horizons. Generally, the theses are research reports, but creative variations such as works of art, short stories, and films are encouraged.

My admiration of the work of Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., led me to the idea of teaching a mini-course at the University that will focus on his works. My current plan is to hold classes once a week, during which students will engage in discussion about Mr. Vonnegut’s novels. Ideally, the class will read four of his books, most likely his works of fiction, throughout the year, and discuss the themes and character models present in the novels. Most likely, the novels will be Slaughterhouse-Five, Cat’s Cradle, Mother Night, and either Bluebeard or Breakfast of Champions. I have read all of his novels, however, and I am still considering his other works.

I feel that I am presented with a unique opportunity as an undergraduate. The chance to share my favorite author with others is very exciting. However, I believe I have an equally thrilling opportunity before me: it was recommended to me by the director of the scholars program that I travel to New York to interview Mr. Vonnegut in preparation for the course. The director, Associate Professor Steven P. Dandaneau, Ph.D., suggested that the experience of speaking with Mr. Vonnegut about his works, his biography, and other topics could prepare me for teaching his works—as well as preparing me for the rest of my life, I expect. As a member of Mr. Vonnegut’s traditional audience, American youth, I would have a unique opportunity to find out what he believes the youth of America are capable of, what is important to them, what should be important to them, and other concepts related to his novels.



The sucking up is to come later, I assure you.

Give me comments. Also, tell me what to write about next. But mostly give me comments.

Love,
Steve

Quick review: Hooray the Constantines!

I suppose my reviews of albums can be pretty long. I mean, I hate short reviews in newspapers and stuff. They might as well just give a grade, for how brief the explanations can be.

But here's a short one, for Brett.


Album: Tournament of Hearts

Artist: The Constantines

Labels: SubPop, Three Gut Records


Okay, here's The Constantines. They're Canadian. They released Shine a Light, their first album, to extreme critical acclaim. And from what I've read on the internets, Tournament of Hearts is considered a failure on the order of the second two Matrix movies.

But I disagree.

This is an extremely solid album. Most criticism says it's slow, it's boring, and it doesn't rock enough, but I would say it's really pretty. A lot of the songs are rhythm-based, with one thumping pattern holding together the whole song (See "Draw Us Lines," the opener, as well as "Love in Fear").

I tried as hard as I could to find the lyrics to Tournament of Hearts on the internet, but I couldn't. The lyrics I can understand are truly great, though. Extremely melancholy, reflective, and beautiful.

The bass and drums hold down the rhythms of each song, providing a perfect background for the raspy, Bruce Springsteen-like vocals. Meanwhile, the guitars amble around the mix, sometimes rocking, mostly experimenting or off on their own. Again, "Love in Fear" is a perfect example.

One of the problems I have with The Constantines is their song titles. Let's see...of the 10 songs on Tournament of Hearts, all 10 of them have titles that mirror the chorus of the song. I guess that's okay, but I prefer the Thunderbirds Are Now!/At the Drive-In style of choosing names that don't appear in the song.

Something I love about the songs, though, is the tightness between the drums and bass. This is especially evident in "Love in Fear" and "Thieves," in which drums and bass form such a great, close-together rhythm section that it's easy to forget how simple the songs are.

And they really are simple. Take "Soon Enough," the wonderfully heartfelt ballad-like reflection on aging. Or "Hotline Operator," a peppy, almost bouncy song about who knows what. Both are really the same basic thing throughout, but they keep the listener's attention through interesting variations.

In the end, I would have to say Tournament of Hearts is absolutely worth a listen. It's slightly morose, melancholy and contemplative, but it's still very interesting to listen to. It might be the most widely appealing, accessible music I recommend.

Grade: B+.

Track listing:

1. Draw Us Lines
2. Hotline Operator
3. Love in Fear
4. Lizavetta
5. Soon Enough
6. Working Full-Time
7. Good Nurse
8. Thieves
9. Conductor
10. Windy Road

Constantines official site

SubPop's Tournament of Hearts site

Buy Tournament of Hearts at Amazon.com

I put off the review of Jason's cell phone. But I present a review of ATDI.

Hey there campers!

Thanksgiving was nice. I hate the idea of Thanksgiving. We set aside one day of thanks--fine. I think it should be more than one day, but whatever. But then, what do we do on that day? ("We" of course are Americans, like it or not.)
WE EAT AS MUCH AS WE CAN!!!!
Thanks, Third World, for all the cheap stuff! This turkey leg's for you!
Thanks, dead soldiers, for all the cheap stuff! I'll have a little extra gravy!
Thanks, human rights violations, for all the cheap stuff! I think I WILL have some more pie!

We have a lot to be thankful for, but that's about the shittiest way of expressing it that I can conceive. It's like a cruel joke on the less fortunate.

So.

I wanted to review Jason's cell phone usage. But I've been thinking about it a little, and I can't come up with more than a sentence. I'll keep that sentence to myself, however, since I'm about to meet Lucija tomorrow, and I don't want to risk pissing her off. So I'll save it.

Instead, I want to tell you about this neat band.


Album: In/Casino/Out

Artist: At the Drive-In

Label: Fearless Records






Yes, At the Drive-In. From El Paso, Texas, this five-member band rocked ridiculously hard through the middle and late 1990s, only to break up after the album that followed In/Casino/Out, which was called Relationship of Command. The members of ATDI went on to form the current bands Sparta and The Mars Volta. Even though TMV is incredible, I would still pay an unreasonable amount (read: about $50) for an At the Drive-In reunion.

They're great.

So let me start with the downside of ATDI. Some people don't care for Cedric Bixler's voice. He's the singer for both At the Drive-In and The Mars Volta. In ATDI, you can expect to find shout/screaming, which I know turns some people off immediately. It's a shame, too, because Linkin Park shout/screaming is insulting, ignorant and laughable, while I think Bixler's is defiant, frustrated and sad. Whatever, some people don't want to hear that. I love it.

As for the rest of the band, holy shit. Guitarist Omar Rodriguez-Lopez just goes off and plays whatever the fuck he wants to sometimes. It's brilliant. Meanwhile, the other guitarist, Jim Ward, now the singer and guitarist of Sparta, holds down the "actual" guitar parts and keeps the songs tight. Then there's Paul Hinojos (right), the bassist for ATDI, who currently plays guitar for Sparta. He's humorously tall and awkward-looking in live footage of ATDI, but he was pretty good. The bass serves to carry songs along and doesn't try anything too fancy. The drummer is Tony Hajjar, a big badass. He's from Lebanon and he's nearly as good as The Mars Volta drummer Jon Theodore.

So ATDI is amazing, pretty much. And In/Casino/Out might be their best album. It's their second full-length, I believe, after the glorious Acrobatic Tenement, which was recorded all in one session to capture the "live" feel. In/Casino/Out is a little more organized and a lot tighter than Tenement. I think every song on it is incredible.

One last warning about the band: don't bother figuring out the lyrics. I know what three or four of the songs on In/Casino/Out are about, which is really pretty good for ATDI. Bixler tends to write lyrics that are completely symbolic or referential, meaning the words don't always make sense unless you know what they stand for (in his slightly drugged mind). Trying to figure the lyrics out can be fun, but is ultimately not very important to the songs. For some reason, this frustrates some people, but I like it.

So. Here it is.

Alpha Centauri: A really good opener. Not too flashy or crazy, but upbeat and tight. Bixler pulls off some hilariously confusing lyrics: "Matadors chase the bull in a china shop," "Widows: an antique replacement, a briefcase filled with Mace." Hahahahahahaha whatever, man.

As for the music, they don't try anything too crazy. At 2:00 they throw in a bridge that features a little random note selection from Omar Rodriguez-Lopez. I think this song is really cool.

Chanbara: Brad Long's favorite ATDI song, he once told me. Bongos at the start, along with a really badass drumbeat. If I danced, I would want to dance to this.

Then Bixler marches in, and it's harder to understand than ever. Both the first and second verses end with great lines: "A belly-flopped proposal of 'Let's be friends'," and "Oh, dear God, what a tangled web we weave." I think of that line quite a bit. No, I don't know what it means.

More than anything on Acrobatic Tenement, "Chanbara" is driven by the vocals. Imagining this song without the vocals is difficult. I don't know if that's a good or bad thing--a lot of people would say bad because they dislike Bixler's voice--but it's certainly different.

Hulahoop Wounds: Jason Kramb's favorite song by ATDI. The bass and guitar roll through the introduction, and the verses are a pleasantly relaxed change. I nearly understand what this song is about, but not quite.

"Hulahoop Wounds" features the Jim Ward/Omar Rodriguez-Lopez backup vocals that are, somehow, worse and better than Bixler's lead. For about the first 1:30, ATDI holds back and "Hulahoop Wounds" is nearly pretty.

Then they tear loose, and it's glorious. I get the feeling Bixler can hardly keep up with the rhythm section. Even when they cool down for the "Hook and sinker!" breakdown, the band can't keep quiet for long.

The chorus also features a really cool syncopation.

Napoleon Solo: HA! I know what this song is about.

It's about a car crash on the road from Austin, TX to New Orleans, that killed two girls who were on their way to see an ATDI show. Sad story.

This song is creepy. I love it. The intro is just frightening, sort of spidery, and Bixler mutters along in a conspiratorial way.

Then the drums and bass enter, and it sounds to me like a song from a musical, maybe, the way, Bixler sings along with the instruments but seems so disconnected from them.

The chorus is insane. It calls to mind the live performances of ATDI I've seen on tape, in which they destroy everything they can.

I pretty much love this song. Probably my favorite part is at 4:09, when the band takes off again and Bixler screams "Strum this broken harp." I think his throat is going to fall apart.

Pickpocket: I nearly forgot about this song. And that says a lot. I suppose even some of my favorite albums must have a forgettable song.

This one flies along, featuring some great crazy lead work from Omar Rodriguez/Lopez. Unfortunately, at some points the song feels sort of phoned in, like they just aren't pounding away as hard as "Napoleon Solo." This is especially evident during the verses.

On the other hand, I really like the chorus. The lyrics are really funny, if you can figure them out. "Breakfast table search team implodes." Hahahahaha.

For Now...We Toast: I know this one too! It's about a prison break!

This is the most relaxed ATDI gets. The verses are nearly pop music.

Don't worry, the chorus isn't. Something about the guitar, drum and vocal interaction in the chorus makes me wish it went on forever.

I don't care much for the bridge, though, which is half-time and drags somewhat. Even Jim Ward backup vocals can't save it for me.

But then they tear into the final extended chorus, and it's a great song too. "Wanted for the crime of the disease that you give," is the message, apparently.

A Devil Among the Tailors: This song, like much of ATDI, I guess, requires a certain mood. Sometimes I listen to it and it's so goddamn slow and boring that I can't make it all the way through. Then other times it's greater than anything ever.

I assume both feelings are equally true.

I do really like the vocals in this song, especially the verses. He just rambles on without pausing, it's cool.

But this song makes you wait. The intro, the pre-chorus, the breakdown...this song is about waiting for something to happen.

On the other hand, Bixler does quote the famous motto of Che Guevara ("Hasta la victoria siempre"), which is cool.

In the end, this song hits its stride, and it's cool. You just have to be patient.

Shaking Hand Incision: Holy hell, the drumming in this song is great.

Straight from the start, Hajjar dominates. I am envious.

This is one of the most exciting songs on the album, I think. It just takes off, and it's hard to keep up. Then it hits a wall, and that's awesome too. I think the pacing of this song is perfect.

One thing I really like about this song is the way Bixler uses the same lines in different ways. "Stitched lip starched in a giggle," "Nothing ever changes except the scenery arrangements," and "In piles of clothing sleep the dead" tie the song together beautifully.

Again, whatever the hell he's talking about, I sure don't know.

Lopsided: Ooh, this might be my favorite.

It's so different. It's relaxed and not frantic. Not until around the end, that is. The pacing is great.

I really like this song. I could go on and on, but it's just so cool. Listen to it.

Hourglass: I might find any song that follows "Lopsided" a little lacking, but I love "Hourglass" all the same.

I've read that Jim Ward does the vocals on this song. I can't really tell, but they're cool.

This song is normal. It's barely ATDI at all. It doesn't really contain any flipping out or insanity. It's sad as hell, and it's wonderful.

I know what this one's about, too. I've heard it's about the Russian space program, from the perspective of a cosmonaut.

"I'm all alone so far up here, and my oxygen's all gone" is a pretty good indication of that.

"A truly distressing realization: I wish I was an astronaut" is also a clue, I would say.

Well, okay, "Hourglass" has a little rocking out. But it works really well.

Transatlantic Foe: I've heard this song is also about the Cold War. Who knows?

It rivals "Shaking Hand Incision" for badass drums. I love this song too. It's unstoppable.

Bixler's vocals are perfect, too. Between the punchy chorus and the melodic verses, he's great.

What I like about this song is how it contains a bunch of different parts that are visited in nearly random order, and only once or twice in the song.

It's a great closer, I think.

Grade: A.

Summary: What I really like about In/Casino/Out, I think, is that none of the songs are formulaic. They're always unpredictable and out-of-control. Bixler's voice is a love-it-or-hate-it sort of thing, and I've never faulted anyone for disliking the vocals. But ATDI is just crazy, unstoppable, and I think they must be admired for that.

Sounds like: well, I guess The Mars Volta would be the easy answer, but that's not even really true. They sound like Pretty Girls Make Graves, I guess. They're described as emo-core in some reviews I've read, but that phrase is pretty meaningless to me. They're just a post-punk rock band.

Track listing:

1. Alpha Centauri
2. Chanbara
3. Hulahoop Wounds
4. Napoleon Solo
5. Pickpocket
6. For Now...We Toast
7. A Devil Among the Tailors
8. Shaking Hand Incision
9. Lopsided
10. Hourglass
11. Transatlantic Foe

At the Drive-In website run by Fearless Records

Buy In/Casino/Out at Amazon.com

Find In/Casino/Out lyrics here

I still hate Shakespeare.

Despite Brother Tuss's best efforts, I can't find it in my heart to give much of a shit about old William Shakespeare. But I do love Macbeth. That play is craaazaayy.

I'm writing to let you know that I really like Ted Leo and the Phramacists.

They make nice music. They occasionally rock, but it's more comparable to slower Saves the Day rather than, say, At the Drive-In. Who I also love.

Now available if you get file from me.

Coming soon: a review of Jason Kramb's cell phone.

<3

I return to my blog.

It's been far too long, old friends.

My laptop died, I had to get a new hard drive. That explains the absence.

So listen. I wrote this article for Flyer News about a Marycrest cafeteria worker getting rocks thrown at her one morning in October. She said three guys attacked her and called her "nigger" on her way to work.

After the article came out, UD Public Safety released the incident report relating to the incident. This contained the suspects' names and a brief account of the event. I was assigned a follow-up article now that we had suspects' names.

I interviewed two of them and wrote a story that basically described things from their point of view. Their stories differed greatly from the victim's. They claimed that they didn't even see her that morning. The two I talked to said that two of them--one I was interviewing and one I was not--had been found not guilty in Dayton Municipal Court. I wrote this in my article, and my publisher chose it for the headline.

In my article, editors and I decided not to print any names, since they had been found not guilty. One of the students had granted an interview on condition of anonymity, so that worked out well.

Then I get emails from UD's attorney and my editor-in-chief. Turns out they were found guilty in court, which is a little different from not guilty. Granted, assault charges were withdrawn, but the two who'd had their trials had been found guilty of disorderly conduct.

This information was available on the Dayton Municipal Court website, but I didn't think to check it. Jokes 'n.

So my editor wrote a clarification/correction that included all three names. Including the kid who didn't want his name in the paper. Hahahahahahahahaha SHOULDN'T HAVE LIED, FOOL!!!!

Here:

My first article

My second article

Trial results - search criminal results by defendant name, then search "Michael Fields," "Daniel Mingee," and Michael Synck" (which is a misspelling of Synek, and he's the one who hasn't had his trial yet)

My editor's correction

What fun life is.

This blog just might come to life eventually. We shall see.

Oh, America.

America, America.

Why are you so God damn dumb sometimes?

How can you spawn these people?

I've stayed away from anything political on my blog, but I couldn't help it.

News like this makes me feel much, much worse than threats from terrorists do.

I'd like to imagine that if ignorance on the scale of Cory Burnell came to Ohio, he would be laughed back to the Dark Ages. But I really don't think I can claim that.

At least in these times of trouble I can turn to my personal Lord and Savior, Jesus the Christ.

Breaking news!! Zeppelin releases new album!!

Album: Led Zeppelin III (1970)

Artist: Led Zeppelin

Label: Atlantic/Wea







Okay, here's what you should know about the Zep: they are just another classic rock band.

Some people believe these guys are gods. Some people would tell you they can do no wrong. I admit I come close to this perspective sometimes, both about Zeppelin and more modern bands. I think the most common "sacred cow" is the Beatles, who were, again, just another rock band.

But I will say this: member for member, Zep is the best band I know. More on that in a minute.

First, let me explain why I chose Zeppelin III in particular.

Zep formed in the late '60s. Jimmy Page, the guitarist, was already famous for his work with the Yardbirds, who he joined in 1967 (just so you know, I'm looking all this up. I don't know all this shit.). While recording with the Yardbirds, Page met bassist John Paul Jones, then a session musician. After the Yardbirds fell apart, Page heard about singer Robert Plant, and asked him to join the group. Lastly, Plant suggested John Bonham as a drummer.

The band was "the New Yardbirds" for a while until, according to legend, The Who drummer Keith Moon said they would sink like a lead zeppelin. The band purposely misspelled "lead" as "led" so that Americans would know not to say "lead zeppelin" like "lead singer."

Anyway, Zep recorded its first album, then toured like mad. They were huge, and the blues/rock/distortion on the first album was popular. So they recorded their second album, Zeppelin II, while on tour. It was also amazing.

And then came III. This one was recorded in the Welsh countryside, not big-city studios in England and America. And it came out just a little bit different from the others. To many fans, it was a disappointment. It's more acoustic, quiet, and generally a little less rocking than the first two.

To sum up: it's the best test available to see whether Zep really are gods.

So, as I said, member by member, the Zep is the greatest. Here, look:

John Bonham (drums): You could say the whole band rests on Bonham. His drums are magical. He plays louder and harder than anyone ever. He's scary. His sense of timing and dynamics are amazing. Sadly, on this album, he doesn't quite get the chance to go wild like he does on some others, but he's still just incredible.

Jimmy Page (guitar): You could say the whole band rests on Page. He is easily one of the best ten rock guitarists ever. Things just seem to flow from the guitar uncontrollably. The songs sometimes sound so easy, but that's part of his skill. I usually find blues very very boring, but Page can at least keep my attention for a while.

John Paul Jones (bass): You could say the whole band rests on Jones. While I've heard praise from others for Page and Bonham, Jones makes me want to listen to Zep over and over. It's not on Zeppelin III, but the song "Ramble On," from Zeppelin II, has bass to die for. I truly pity people who can't see a difference between bass and guitar. Jones is a master.

Robert Plant (vocals): You could say Plant is along for the ride. At least, that's how I see it. I remember reading articles that said many people criticized Page for getting Plant, because they thought he was too effeminate and whiny to rock. I don't really care. To me, vocals are either terrible or adequate. I rarely think the singing is very good, as long as it's passable. I would say at times on this album, it's obvious Plant is just along for the ride, especially "Gallows Pole."

So there's the band. Now here are the songs.

"Immigrant Song": No doubt the most famous song on the album. Everyone knows it. Not everyone knows the lyrics, which aren't exactly about immigrants.

I'm sorry, but when I think of immigrants, I generally think of sooty New York with Italians and Eastern Europeans climbing out of boats wearing black coats and hats. Not Nordic warriors beating the shit out of Britons. But hey, that's me.

This song just pounds away. It really is a lie to open with this song. You would expect rhythmic rock with little intricate guitar work. You'd be wrong. Also, at 2:25, it gets in and out pretty darn quickly.

"Friends": This song initiates the slightly depressing, menacing tone of the album. That is, if "Immigrant Song" didn't do that.

For such a pleasant title, the guitar intro is pretty dark. The bass sort of hums along, barely registering, but pretty damn creepy.

Page doesn't help any when he wails away with his trademark sound. This song features a very informative chorus:

Mmm, I'm telling you now,
the greatest thing
you ever can do now
is trade a smile with someone who's blue now
It's very easy just...

Right. Got it.

But the song isn't really depressing or boring. Somehow, it makes you bob along. I think it's the nearly-silly bongo drum part. Or the almost-arhythmic guitar strum pattern surrounding the second chorus. My one criticism of this song is that it never really seems to take off. I start getting excited about it, thinking it's going somewhere, and it ends. Bah.

"Celebration Day": Maybe it doesn't end. Maybe if I was listening to this on a record, I would realize it culminates in "Celebration Day." Because if so, it's a nice little trick.

"Celebration Day" starts with a blues guitar part that just gets me excited. There, I admit it, this blues riff is cool. Probably because it rocks so hard.

And Plant is at his best. Muttering, wailing, a little pretty and a little insane-sounding.

At 1:00, I think this is probably the best music I've ever heard. I just love picking out each instrument and marveling at it for a little bit. I wonder if Zep would let me join the band.

No idea what this song is about, though. But it's really cool.

"Since I've Been Loving You": So what does Zep do with all that praise I just gave them for that last song?

Gladly throw it away with "Since I've Been Loving You," which I really believe is a slap in the face to the listener.

Now, my brother Joe has defended this song on multiple occasions, so I won't tear into it too badly. But this is the sort of blues I really believe ruin life. I think it's pretentious, boring and unnecessary.

But I listened all the way though it, maybe for the first time ever.

As the title might tell you, it's really just another damn blues song about loving a girl. Let me prove it with the finest line in all of music: "Everybody trying to tell me that you didn't mean me no good." How DELIGHTFUL! Now THAT'S what I'm dying to hear! Thanks, Robert!

Also, during this song Plant repeatedly informs us he has been "Working from seven to eleven every night." This is, in fact, the first line of the song. I have to wonder. Does he mean 7 p.m. to 11 p.m.? Because this would make him the biggest goddamn whiner in the world. Or does he mean 7 a.m. to 11 p.m.? Because this would make him an absolute hardass.

Here's something funny that we encounter at 5:50 of this 7:22 song: Plant says when he opens his front door, he hears his back door slam. This suggests, of course, that somebody--who has just completed the act of sexual intercourse with his partner--is exiting the house. But then he says "You must have one of them new-fangled back door men," which I take as a reference to the song "Whole Lotta Love" on Zeppelin II, in which Plant says, "I wanna be your back door man." Now that's funny self-reference.

But the song sucks.

"Out on the Tiles": Okay. Back to the rocking.

And rock they do. It's one of those Zeppelin blues-based riffs that I love to listen to over and over. The part I love is that they leave about half a measure open, with no guitar or bass playing.

This is a good chance for John Bonham to prove he dominates the drums. I really think Bonham is the best rock drummer in history. The way he plays is just frightening.

And while this one can get a little repetitive, I like it a lot. One other problem is that I think it gets pretty weak toward the end. It just doesn't move very quickly. This is not something Zeppelin of Zeppelin II would allow to happen.

"Gallows Pole": I tend to think of this as the centerpeice of the album. It's scary.

The song is about a man being hanged, begging the hangman for mercy. He offers him gold and silver that his brother brought, then he offers his sister. Then he gets hanged. Crazy stuff.

First a verse addresses the hangman, telling him to wait. Then a response verse, from the perspective of a friend, then the brother, then the sister, tells the condemned they are trying to help him from being hanged. Then, in the last verse, the hangman decides to go through with it.

And the instruments have this sort of grand feel that I love.

The drum entrance, especially, I think is compelling.

This song cannot fail. If every song was "Gallows Pole," we might be a little more depressed, but music would be beautiful.

"Tangerine": Fuck you, Zeppelin. Honestly.

I don't know, maybe it's me. Maybe I don't have the attention span for something like "Tangerine."

But it just doesn't do it for me. They get me all fired up with "Gallows Pole," and I think maybe they are gods. Then they deliver something like "Tangerine," and I think they're wasting my time.

The lyrics are sappy as hell. The instruments are weak at best. The vocals take over, and they are painfully doubled through the chorus.

What do I mean "sappy"?

Tangerine, tangerine
living reflection from a dream
I was her love, she was my queen
and now a thousand years between.

The only thing that makes me forgive this song is that I imagine Zep looked back at the album, with its "Gallows Pole" and "Celebration Day," and decided it would be too depressing and needed some sappy shit.

Page tries to save this song with a solo, but it's not possible. Just forget it.

"That's the Way": This song threatens more of the same. Plant whines away some lame verse about nothing, and the guitar is happy to strum along mindlessly.

Then it starts looking up. And by that I mean the introduction of a nice little chord change and a change in Plant's vocals as they slip into the chorus that don't quite start the rocking, but spice up the song.

This one isn't as bad as some. It's not anything to get excited about, certainly, but it at least works well. It's more mellow than I'd like, but it's still nice.

"Bron-Y-Aur Stomp": Bron-Y-Aur is the place in Wales that Zep recorded this album, which explains the title.

I like this song a lot. I mean, it's acoustic, it doesn't rock, but it's very, very cool.

It features the first known recording of what would become the techno beat. Doof doof doof doof doof doof doof.

And dammit, it's a song about a dog. How awesome is that?

It has a wonderful guitar intro--in fact, the guitar is great through the whole song. The guitar breakdown is equally badass.

And vocals are very good Plant--here moaning, there wailing, never really doing any proper singing, but always cool.

And handclaps! Come on, people!

"Hats Off to (Roy) Harper": The home stretch.

This song purposely has a sort of backalley Delta blues feeling.

Plant is up and down and up and down while Jimmy Page plays some kind of slide insanity riff.

Lyrically, this song is a bit disturbing. Lyrics sometimes aren't that important to Zep songs, since it's not always easy to figure out what Plant is saying. But looking them up, I see a line like

Well I ain't no monkey. I can't climb no tree,
No brown skin woman gonna make no monkey out of me

and I get a little disturbed. I do sort of wonder just what he's talking about. Wait, I mean what the FUCK he's talking about.

I mean, later, when Plant threatens to kill his woman, I'm not so taken aback. That's typical blues fare there. But I must say I don't forgive the monkey line so easily.

So this song gets a big thumbs down. And if you think I shouldn't judge it strictly by the vocals, consider this: they leave John Bonham out of the closer. Bastards.

So:

Grade: C.

Summary: Sorry, Zep. It pains me to give you that. But I can't in good conscience recommend half the songs on this album--or less--and then turn and give you an A or a B. You just didn't have your shit together on this one.

The instruments are still wonderful, the vocals are still passable with their moments of glory, but you can do much, much better if you're looking for Zep. Houses of the Holy, Zeppelin II, BBC Sessions, even Zeppelin IV are preferable.

Sounds like: do I have to describe Zeppelin? They sound like music should. The Who, but harder. Just wonderful.

Track listing:

1. Immigrant Song
2. Friends
3. Celebration Day
4. Since I've Been Loving You
5. Out on the Tiles
6. Gallows Pole
7. Tangerine
8. That's the Way
9. Bron-Y-Aur Stomp
10. Hats Off to (Roy) Harper

Led Zeppelin Homepage

Shit parking ticket fuck

Hahahah I didn't really get a parking ticket. That's just an Onion headline I like a lot.

So I don't want to feel like I let you down by not writing a review yet. I've decided it's going to be Led Zeppelin III. You know, "Immigrant Song," "Gallows Pole," "Bron-Y-Aur Stomp." Classic.

But I didn't write that yet, so I'll write you a little mini-review of two recent discoveries, brought to you by Tony Storti:

Brainiac: Two-minute punk. And as inaccessible as that sounds, they're even less accessible. They mutter the word "mistakes" and hit some notes for you.

They are not easy to listen to.

But they can rock, and I'm sure they're going to be stuck in my head. And when Tony compares lots of bands to Brainiac, he's always right. When you hear a band thump out a couple bass notes and mutter a little bit into a microphone, they're thinking "Brainiac" as they do it.

Nothing really remarkable in any instrument, except the crazy Japanese girl wailing away once in a while, and robot voices. The instruments really are not skillfully played. But they're cool, and catchy if you can get through a little noise and wailing keyboard.

I am referring here to the album Hissing Prigs in Static Couture.

Pretty Girls Make Graves: Really cool. In fact, more accessible than I ever expected.

The PGMG album I have in mind is The New Romance.

Their songs are actually pretty. I think at times the female vocals get in the way, and the band really rocks without her. The instruments are great. Their drummer sounds like me if I ever concentrated and practiced.

I love "All Medicated Geniuses" and the title song.

Disadvantage of PGMG: for some reason, they feel compelled to write slower, lamer songs. Not rocking.

Okay, that's all you get. See you soon with that Zep review.

Looking for a Christmas present for Steve?

Look no more.

Just click here.

Why do I love Kurt Vonnegut so much? WHY???

I still have a lot going on. But I believe tomorrow I'll get started on a music review. It will be something more people are familiar with. I might hit a couple idols with hammers. I'm thinking Led Zeppelin, maybe The Who.

Anyway I just don't have the time, energy or inclination to write anything funny.

And so I substitute The Onion instead.

Love,

Steve

God Bless America. Seriously, God. Do it. Now.

And here are the final results of my little query.

what's the most american phrase you can think of? any cliches you can think of that just sound american?

In no particular order:

stotes0001: git r dun.
IDoNtLiKeYou1064: united we stand
ACrecelius3: we're the shit
EngelsJK: America! Fuck yeah!
EngelsJK: That's hot!
EngelsJK: Not on my watch.
tellum27: "Fire at will"
Freems489: Would you like fries with that?"
it makes me realize how lucky we really are" - jason
PsychChristina: "what's up"
sbujayhawk: "Winning isn't everything, it's the only thing."
imazwan: "beacon of freedom"
RConnair: He who dies with the most toys wins.
DeltaKnightOne: "That's a shame."
DeltaKnightOne: "I think I read this somewhere..."
DeltaKnightOne: "Sucks to be you."
DeltaKnightOne: from Sten: "It's the thought that counts."
and me: looking out for number one.

Those are funny.

Ohh dearie me it's been too long!

I haven't posted for about twelve days. Or so.

Disgusting.

But I've been busy. Class, and so forth.

Dayton had fall break this past weekend, October 8-11. Teresa and Joe and I went back to Akron.

While we were there, my mom's mother died. It's okay, I know you're all sorry. Thank you.

So I'm going back this weekend.

Then, following that, I think you can expect a lot more posting. Hopefully. At any rate, a few new reviews will be in the works, starting today. They should definitely be finished by next week. Among them will be at least one album review and probably a review of my new thrift store shirts.

So don't give up on the old blog. It's still around.

Love,

Steve

Steve wins.

Hey guys.

So.

Who else got their thesis idea approved?

Who else is going to teach a mini-course at UD? Anyone?

Hahahahahahahaha victory.

Dandaneau said I could do it. He said I would have to do more than just teach a mini-course, so we'll see what becomes of that. It seemed like just about anything would be acceptable, so maybe you'll see some fiction or creative writing or something.

He mentioned including something in my thesis proposal about going to interview Kurt Vonnegut in New York City.

I don't think I had lived until I heard that suggestion.

Interview. Kurt. Vonnegut.













INTERVIEWKURTVONNEGUT!!!

Meet the 53 Woodland musicians. And learn which are terrible. PART TWO: Welcome to our house, learn to fucking play.

I should start here with a disclaimer.

I have trouble making fun of people.

Hahahahahahahahahaha.

But really, I do have trouble telling people actual mean or degrading things. If I'm joking about it, I can tell you you're the worst person ever; if I really have a criticism for you, I can't do it.

I'll try, though.

And another disclaimer: some of the people listed here, contrary to the title of the post, reside at 53 Woodland. Unfortunately.

So, in no particular order:

Mikey Blocksidge (vocals): Yes, let's start here. Nowhere to go but up.

Mikey is a vocal performance major. Opera badass.

But listen: Jason Kramb isn't a bass performance major. Tony Storti? Not a guitar performance major. I ain't no drum major.

Yet somehow--despite all expectations--we rock Mikey's upper lip off. We dominate him.

Wait, I think i might know why. Hang on...it's coming to me....See, there's this thing we do--Jason, Tony and I--that helps us defeat Mikey. Okay, I think I can describe it as "Making some sort of noise." Or "inputting sound in our instrument of choice." Briefly: "Rocking."

Mikey chooses not to. Instead, he stands (or sits) and watches. No singing occurs. No words nor noises exit his mouth.

I think it hurts Tony's feelings.

Enough of Mikey. It's pissing me off.

Advantages: Unknown.

Disadvantages: The massive disappointment of out-rocking a music performance major.

Grade: F

Room for Improvement: Use drugs to loosen up before rocking. Alcohol is not enough. The harder the better. And while you're at it, share some with Sam, he'll paint us a picture.

Patty Johnson (keyboard): Pat is probably just about the opposite.

Pat has so little going for him.

So little.

And by that I mean: I believe he's spent less time on the keyboard than Tony on guitar, Jason on guitar/bass and me on drums. Thus a little less technical background.

And the boy has no rhythm. None none none none no rhythm it's sick I'm telling you.

It's pretty much the way Pat is about everything else. Facts, math, opinions, whatever. Unchangeably, certainly, absolutely wrong. Incorrectible. It's funny if you don't think about it.

YET! He can rock with us. He can pound out count one, then fuck around, then hit that count one again. It's impressive for someone with his natural handicap.

Advantages: Has shown some improvement in rhythm. Sounds cool with guitar and drums.

Disadvantages: "Some improvement" barely raises him to white-person standard for rhythm. Never comes by any more.

Grade: D

Room for Improvement: I think Pat has a natural deficiency of rhythm. He should probably just learn to play incredibly fast to cover for it.

Joe Weishampel (bass, guitar) : I don't want anyone to question my objectivity in this review.

I haven't been objective this whole time, and I don't plan to start.

Joe can rock the stringed instruments. He took lessons here at UD. Then, so did Pat and Mikey.

He probably knows more about theory than any other instrumental musician. And he can fly on both bass and guitar. Wait, is that a good thing?

Advantages: Technical knowledge, ability to rock hard. Lays out tons of bass and guitar.

Disadvantages: Has more than once referred to the Storti approach as "noodling." Harbors some sort of attachment to real songs. Lays out tons of bass and guitar.

Grades: bass: A-, guitar: A-

Room for Improvement: Feel more comfortable with the seven-minute rambling trash we prefer to churn out. Pretend you're in Sonic Youth.

Brett Ettenhofer (vocals, bass) : Brett understands the concept of rocking. This cannot be questioned.

He can rock.

But can he play?

Well, okay, he can't. What he can't do is play.

So this translates to some interesting moments. I wish we had a fifty-foot mic cord so we could witness the full extent of the rocking. And on the other hand, I wish we had a secret way to turn the bass way, way down whenever he picks it up.

I think the grades are becoming obvious, aren't they?

I should say this about vocal grades generally: they reflect a pretty damn high standard. Nobody I know is going to freestyle anything worth hearing--at least, as Tony would say, not while sober.

So all vocal grades are going to be low. I imagine that maybe Kanye West or Mos Def would receive an A+. So:

Advantages: Energy. Willingness to rock all-out.

Disadvantages: I don't think he's ever had an instrument lesson. I might be wrong, but evidence supports me here.

Grades: vocals: C+, bass: F

Room for Improvement: Alcohol comes to mind. It'll help with the freestyling. Or I guess you could write words in advance. But that would be dumb. As for the bass, forget it. Forever.

Still remaining:
Sam Wukusick
Joe Beumer
Mike Beale
Eric Contreras
Ken Farrell?
Ryan Farrell?
Anne Crecelius?

? = Played with us once, maybe isn't deserving of a grade yet.

And in other news, the battle gets harder to get a mini-course. My probably advisor, Dr. Boehnlein of the English department, said it would be difficult. I don't think we should yet resort to the "bombard Dandaneau with e-mails telling him I should teach one" idea, but it might come soon. I'm going to meet with him about it. See how that goes.

Love,

Steve

I am lazy.

Sorry, Anne. No reviews of others written yet.

Tomorrow I meet with my possible thesis advisor, Dr. Jim Boehnlein of the English department.

I'm going to blow his fucking mind.

Where should I do study abroad?

Mission accomplished.

That's all.

Steve

I do believe in a Divine Engineer. How else would we get giraffes, hippopotami, and the clap?

Some of you might know my personal hero is Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.

He appeared as the guest on the Daily Show Thursday, September 15.

It was the best five minutes of television.

Watch Vonnegut's interview.

And read Vonnegut's list.

Expect Part II early next week.

If your name is not on this list, and you've joined us in the basement, post a comment and remind me. I wouldn't want to leave you out of the bloodbath.

Mikey
Brett
Joe Beumer
Joe Weishampel
Mike Beale
Eric
Sam
Ken
Patty J.
Anne
Ryan Farrell
Aaron

Thank you.

Meet the 53 Woodland musicians. And learn which are terrible. PART ONE: Meet the regulars.

So I'm way, way too lazy to write a review of Shakespeare. At least today.

But I've decided to write a review of something else. Specifically, the people who play music in my basement.

I think a good place to start is probably Tony Storti. The whole thing is pretty much his idea.

Tony Storti (guitar): Tony is one of three resident players. We almost never play without him.

He seems to me to have two modes: 1. Turn on the effects, play a whole note, and let the bass and drums make a song while he makes noise to go along; 2. Pound the fuck out of some eighth notes and scare me with his ability to make a melody out of apparently random notes. He never gives the other players any instructions beyond agreeing on a key.

Advantages: Provides some badass noises and doesn't try to do too much. Knows exactly when to rock hard and when to back off. Always ready to play.

Disadvantages: Not quite up to the Joe Weishampel/Mike Beale standard of technical knowledge. His absolute refusal to learn or play "real songs" probably bothers some people.

Grade: B

Room for Improvement: Learn to remember what he played previously. You know how most (as in "all") songs have some sort of repeated tune? Tony can't remember what he just played, making this impossible. Now, I'm not saying our songs have to have a tune, but I think it would be a good skill to have.

Jason Kramb (bass): Jason is quickly becoming the second of three fixtures in the 53 Woodland basement. Jason picked up the bass for the first time in something like six months to join Tony and me one day.

He has improved a ton recently. I mean, he was fine to start, but it's a lot easier now. He can just pick it up and play, no problem.

Unlike Tony, he has a fair memory for what he just played, so that we can produce "songs" rather than "not songs."

Advantages: Possesses a memory. Has fair knowledge of music theory. Rocks.

Disadvantages: No flipping out like Tony. Whines about his blisters.

Grade: B-

Room for Improvement: Needs to flip out and pound the bass. According to Tony, it was a pawn shop purchase anyway. Couldn't be more than $50. Deserves to get thrown once in a while. As I said, Jason has been improving a lot recently, and I would expect his grade to go up as he learns more. And throws more.

Steve Weishampel (drums): Steve lives at 53 Woodland. He is present at all rocking sessions except in the case of Aaron Gray appearances (sorry, Pat, but it doesn't rock with you on the drums). He can't in good conscience write his own review (at least, not today...maybe someday).

So he submits these reviews. And he invites anyone to write a review of him and submit it as a comment on this post.

Please sign those comments so we can laugh about it later.

Coming next: 53 Woodland visitors die a gruesome death at my hands. And the world learns the name "Mike Beale."

This is your warning.

I am creating a new post THAT WILL BLOW YOU AWAY!!!

Conway.

Stevie D. Strikes Back!

So I emailed Dr. Dandaneau, head of the scholars program, about that thesis idea.

Which I still love.

And he said he'd never heard of an undergraduate teaching a course. And he wasn't sure how well it would work. And I would need an advisor to approve everything.

Maybe my genius simply cannot be contained.

Then he asked me a bunch of technical, theory-related questions relating to Kurt Vonnegut. I guess I should maybe pay attention to that.

Now I need to find an advisor who will let me do what I want.

So leave a comment on this post. Let me know if this is a good idea.

In other news, hurricane hurricane hurricane.

Bye.

ALERT ALERT THE WORLD IS CHANGING

Pokey the Penguin, you have met your match.

And here it is.

You must click that link. IT IS REQUIRED!

Did you guys hear about the rain in New Orleans?

I have an idea for my thesis.

Oh, yeah, sorry I haven't had a new post for a while. I'm doing other things.

Also, this post has nothing to do with its own title.

So for my thesis.

I want to teach a mini-course at UD. About Kurt Vonnegut.

Tell me that wouldn't be awesome. I'd get to talk about Vonnegut for a couple hours a week, and give everyone an A. I mean a grade.

And I'm assuming at least a few people who read this blog would register for this class. There would be reading involved, but if you just asked me to summarize it before class, I would. Then we'd sit around and talk about Kurt Vonnegut.

Dream come true.

I got the idea from my neighbor Johnzo (John Gueltzow), who said a friend of his did it a few years ago. I already pretty much got the idea approved by Dr. Brecha, the new associate director of the scholars program, too.

It wouldn't even take that much work, I don't think. I would just look up a couple syllabuses (syllabi?) on the Internets, then steal their ideas. Then add a couple of my own. Then read any Vonnegut I haven't read already, which is maybe Galapagos and that's it. Then teach a class.

That's the plan. Register for my class.

Coming soon on the blog: a review of something I read for class. Shakespeare, probably, but maybe some early British lit (think King Arthur).

Shakespeare is going down in flames.

Happy Labor Day.

Our only friend is chaos.

Upright Citizens Brigade: Season One DVD

Cast (L -R):

Matt Besser (Adair)

Amy Poehler (Colby)

Matt Walsh (Trotter)

Ian Roberts (Antoine)

Distributed by Comedy Central



You might not recognize any of the names above. Except Comedy Central, jerk. I mean the people's names.

You'd know Amy Poehler, though, since she's appeared on Saturday Night Live for, I don't know, like three years. Matt Walsh followed UCB with a couple years on the Daily Show as a reporter.

Okay, I admit Roberts and Besser have disappeared.

But I submit to you: these four no-names are, ten times out of ten, funnier than fucking Will Farrell and Vince Vaughn. Jimmy Kimmell in his wildest dreams has nothing on these people.

The idea behind UCB is pretty simple. Like Monty Python and Kids in the Hall before them, they pretty much create insane characters in insane situations and make asses of themselves.

Like these shows--and the infinitely inferior SNL and MadTV--UCB episodes are composed of several brief sketches, usually involving all four actors. More than any of these, UCB sketches are somewhat related, each revolving to some degree around the title of the episode.

Also unlike the rest, UCB has a vague sort of plot to the entire show, summarized at the start of every episode:

The Upright Citizens Brigade is a super-secret organization, not affiliated with any government, that aims to promote chaos and disrupt order throughout the world.

This is probably the least important part of every UCB episode. The UCB characters appear briefly in every episode between skits. During the skits, the same actors portray the craziest characters imaginable. It doesn't matter what the backstory is. Just get to the comedy.

And they do. It's often said in reviews that the first season is the best, so you're in luck.

But before we get to the good stuff, let me open with the negatives.

UCB is not for everyone. At all. It can be pretty offensive (ass pennies), it can be pretty absurd, and, sometimes, it can be simply not funny. The interactions between UCB characters when they are in UCB character, especially, just don't work sometimes.

Even with only ten episodes to work with, I started to get a little tired of some of the acting. Each actor is very good at a few characters, but after a while they begin to grate a little. Ian Roberts' Antoine is pissed at everybody. I get it.

Let me get specific about the problems for a minute. I loved the episode "Lady of the Lake." It was hilarious. Chumbawumba.

But the episode took an absolute nosedive about two-thirds of the way through. The assassination sequence--during which Amy Poehler's wonderful "I ain't no girl!" character tries to kill frat boy Blaine by throwing her knife--was, quite frankly, boring. It nearly sank the episode. Such is sketch comedy, I guess, and all comedy generally.

Now, the positives. As I said, each performer can pretty much nail a couple of characters wonderfully, and you'll see a typical Poehler or typical Walsh appear at some point in each episode. Matt Besser's poo stick salesman in the second episode is a perfect example. I think Ian Roberts is at his best as a self-important CEO in a "Cyborgs" skit.

It's also great to watch the DVD version of the season because you can easily see the running jokes throughout the episodes. The Titte Brothers band is a perfect example. I think this facet alone puts UCB head and shoulders above the random silliness of SNL and displays the writing talent of the members of the group.

I believe at this point in the review I would mention something about the special features found on the DVD. Okay. Truth time. I didn't view any of these. I just watched the episodes.

Whatever.

Grade: B+

Summary:Probably in the top five sketch comedy shows available on DVD. Its absurdity, brilliant characters, hilarious delivery, and in-episode and across-episode references put it way beyond SNL. It's a cult hit--not for everyone, but absolutely hilarious to some and the best example of absurd sketch comedy America has produced. I would recommend it to anyone who finds the following things funny: Robot Chicken, Stella, Dave Chappelle's Show, Kids in the Hall, the Daily Show.

Episode list:

1. Bucket of Truth
2. Poo Stick
3. Saigon Suicide Show
4. Power Marketing
5. Children's Revolution
6. Story of the Toad
7. Lady of the Lake
8. Time Machine
9. Cyborgs
10. The Little Donny Foundation

UCB Homepage

Buy Season 1 here

I am in love with Jason Matthew Kramb

Hahahahahaha I have a friend named Jason.

He is my roommate.

He and I have a new joke. It is this: we decided the word "no" can be taken to mean "I reject everything about your being." "You are terrible and wrong and I resist you." "We shall never be anything but enemies, and you are worthless."

It's best used in conjunction with someone's name. For example: "Rick Santorum. No."

This indicates that I reject everything that "Rick Santorum" means.

We use it on each other all the time.

Jason: Can I turn off the light?
Me: Jason? No.
Jason: Oh, fuck.

And there you have it, really.

We also have been using "of the ____ persuasion" in our sentences a lot. "This person is of the American persuasion," for example. It doesn't make a lot of sense, I guess.

I know I promised a review soon. I've been sick. Plus school started. 19 hours this time around.

Whatever. I'm also tutoring a Filipino nun on her thesis. She has already determined that I am an agnostic. Should be an interesting semester.

Anyway, UCB is in the works. Then I think another music review.

We shall see.

Okay bye.

Hey, freshmen: moo.

Okay, my blog is still reeling from Mikey's brutal hijacking. But life goes on.

I feel sick. I fell asleep for hours today, and it was wonderful. Then I had free ice cream at the freshman social, and now here I am. Teresa, Annveig (her mother) and I are probably going to hang out tonight.

Aaron Gray arrived today. I haven't seen him yet, but I'm going to make a prediction: still unbearably cute.

Storti's truck died. Jumping attempt failed. Our house is now down to one car for six people.

By the way, that's the truck he put $1100 into about a week ago. He got tricked good.

Today at the freshman social I was approached by a guy handing out flyers for Catholic Life and Campus Ministry. It was the guy who played frisbee with us that one time, the one who rode his skateboard down Stuart hill a lot. It's hard to convince someone you're being open-minded when you're thinking to yourself, man, I'm more open-minded than you are.

But I took his flyers. This was the dramatic conclusion.

Okay I'm going to eat.

Expect a UCB review soon.

Bye.

Here's to the atom bomb

Okay finally that River Stewardship thing is over. Or ova, as Jason would say.

I'm really really happy. It was a waste of time. Toward the end they started talking about everybody attending some meetings during the school year. Yeah, I've got news, that's not going to happen.

Trust me.

You don't want me at your meetings.

So now I'm happy because that trip is over, and Teresa arrived today, and school starts soon.

Coming soon will be a review of the first season of Upright Citizens Brigade, a comedy television show in which four actors--three male and one female--dress up all crazy and do little sketches. It is the source of many of the dumb phrases I and my friends--especially Brett--say, and it's pretty funny every time we say them. I think it ran in about 2000 to 2003, or something, and cast members went on to Saturday Night Live (Amy Poehler) and the Daily Show (Matt Walsh).

Also I might pull out some unexpected topics to review. Examples would be my wallet, the concept of "lunch," my professors, or one of my roommates. Look out, Beard.

Hey, wait, listen. Before I go: Thunderbirds Are Now! are playing in Newport, Kentucky (over the Ohio from Cincinnati) August 22nd, 2005. That's the night after the first day of school for UD students. They're playing with some opener I can't remember, as well as Rahim, another French Kiss Records band who Tony Storti assures me are like TAN! but somewhat slower. I loved TAN! the first time I saw them, and I would recommend everyone get to the show however they can.

Okay time for me to run along.

Love,

Steve

I cannot get excited about rivers.

All right, listen. I'm not some kind of crazy anti-water jerk, here, but I have a problem.

I can't get pumped about old H2O.

It's just not happening.

For some reason, the Berry Scholars Program requires every member to participate in a five-day seminar about watersheds, rivers, water resources, and wasting time. The wasting time part seems pretty important to them.

I'm not going to bitch and moan, though. I'm just going to say I cannot fucking wait for the school year.

Jesus Christ I can't wait.

Tomorrow is the first of two days of canoeing. At least I have Anne as my canoe partner.

Hope she loves treading water in the Great Miami, wondering how I flipped a canoe in the first four seconds of being in it.

These days I've been watching old Upright Citizens Brigade seasons. That's a show that was on Comedy Central a few years ago, and, like all good shows, was quickly cancelled. It's really funny and I'll bet you'll hear more about it in the near future.

Okay time for river watershed resources wastewater runoff aquifer stewardship bullshit.

Steve

Eat this album: music review

Album: Justamustache

Artist: Thunderbirds Are Now!

Label: French Kiss Records

"T-h-u-n-d-e-r, b-i-r-d-s are now!"

That's how the album opens. It's a couple of women chanting it like cheerleaders, with handclaps and everything. It's pretty funny.

And it lets the listener know just how much insane energy they're about to experience.

Listening to Thunderbirds Are Now! is a little bit like riding a rollercoaster, or taking off on a jet. It's a wonderful time, but things feel like they're just barely under control.

Actually, a better comparison for the album is a really intense circus. The simple flat-out energy and attack of the music is crazy enough to bring that image to mind.

Piece by piece, there is really nothing fantastic about Thunderbirds Are Now!. To start, drummer Mike Durgan is not great. That is, if he has massive talent, the band never needs him to show it. He can keep the song together, but he doesn't stand out.

Bassist Howard Chang is really responsible for the melody of almost every song. This is not completely remarkable--as the name of this blog indicates, the bass is the most important instrument when rocking--but Thunderbirds bass is really, really good. It's catchy, powerful, and never irritating or boring.

The guitarwork on Justamustache is the sort of crazy stuff you hear in the best At the Drive-In. Some of the more popular bands I could compare Allen's guitar parts to are Franz Ferdinand or Sparta. Really, just think "the opposite of Tool" and you'll have a good idea.

Vocally, TAN! boasts incredibly catchy lyrics and melodies. Every song has a refrain or lyric that I can't get out of my head. On the other hand, for a while I was convinced the singer was female. Allen has a sort of nervous urgency to his voice, which is also naturally somewhat high-pitched, that made me think "woman singer." But the vocals are a key part of the circus, crazy and intense.

Lastly, keyboardist/tambourinist Scott Allen (who I assume is the singer's brother) is really hard to describe. Now that I've seen TAN! live, I realize he's the energy man, responsible for keeping up the energy at the show--pretty much running around, throwing his tambourine, falling down, and generally flipping out. Think mic tricks. On the album, the keyboard parts are cool and everything, but not exactly necessary (despite what the French Kiss Records website says). Nothing against Scott, but the album rocks enough without him.

So there are the members. Now here are the songs.

"Better Safe Than Safari": A preview of the craziness to come. The song mysteriously starts with twenty seconds of holding one note (immediately after the cheer, that is). Then they're off and running, and in the first lines of the album you see why I really like TAN!:

You've got
A big mouth
With big words
Spilling out

Come here
Give me a kiss
With vocabulary lips

He said "vocabulary lips." And it didn't sound dumb as shit.

The defining moment of "Better Safe Than Safari," however, is the bridge. After a little guitar interlude, everybody jumps in, and Ryan Allen freaks out on the vocals. More than the rest of the song, the bridge is an indication of the intensity the listener is about to experience in the rest of the album. A line that always sticks in my head is "Who wants to be real?/It's more fun to pretend."

"Eat This City": Guitar and bass play the catchiest TAN! riff together at the start of this song. In fact, this whole song will be permanently lodged in your brain if you ever hear it--but not in a "Hollaback Girl" way; more of a "Blister in the Sun" sort of thing. A good thing.

This song is basically perfect. My only complaint is that, at 2:47, it's far too short. It even contains as close as TAN! comes to a guitar solo. If I had to pick a defining moment, it's probably the chorus, which is just "Eat this city" over and over. I have never heard a funnier command.

"198090 (Aquatic Cupid's)": Everybody dance!! While I've never heard TAN!'s previous release, Doctor, Lawyer, Indian Chief, I've heard this song is a throwback to that album. It's pretty dancey, and has the quarter-note guitar that requires.

I actually like the use of keyboards and samples in this song. At 1:50 the song rocks out with some racing bass, then launches into a second section separate from the rest of the song, much like the Franz Ferdinand hit "Take Me Out." It's an extremely catchy little part.

They talk slow
Repeating words that they already know
We talk fast
Steal from the future and not from the past

Anyway this song is dance punk and it's really cool.

"Harpoons of Love": A thundering (I mean cute) two-note keyboard part kicks off this pounding song. The lyrics in this one again reflect the devil theme. The chorus to this one makes me again think of the circus image. It's rough and rocking and hard to contain. The vocals are definitely what I've seen described as "sassy." The bridge on this one ("There's one thing (one thing) I do well/The first is buy and the second is sell") is again the most powerful part of the song.

Following the bridge Ryan Allen's guitar takes over, and for about half a minute you could be listening to any uptempo alternative rock song produced in the last twenty years. It's cool.

"Enough About Me, Let's Talk About Me": This song, probably fast by most bands' standards, is a little slow on this album. The structure of the verses--"Talked to a ___/Who thinks ____"--is a little irritating, and the chorus is nothing special either, in my opinion. However, after a guitar-driven interlude, the band plays a modified version of the chorus that is pretty cool.

Overall, however, this is one song that, in my opinion, just doesn't hold up compared to the rest of the album.

"To: Skulls": Tambourine galore! At least, in the intro of the song. This one is a little slower too, but contains some rocking guitar in both the verses and chorus. Scott Allen makes a triumphant appearance on vocals, and he and his brother trade during the chorus. It's a great success.

At 1:51, the drums and bass start a little syncopated rhythm while the Allen brothers do what they want. Then the drums do something besides keep the beat, and the song nearly falls apart. Fortunately, they pull it together in an almost Mars Volta-like moment.

"From: Skulls": Yes, this is a completely different song. A song driven by KEYBOARDS. At least partly. You can't ignore the bass. Vocals are at their sassiest, and they deliver the most intelligible chorus on the album:

Here's a message to the crowd:
It won't rain, not a single cloud
But tomorrow,
Tomorrow it's gonna pour.
If we waste all this precious time,
Then we'll commit the perfect crime
And scream "Murder!" (Murder!) when we find you dead on the floor.

See? Intelligible.

The song seems almost tame starting at 2:05 and nearly disappears at 3:15, drums knocking quietly along. Then at 3:35 it explodes and it is wonderful. Don't waste any precious time, I believe the message is. A classic emo scream from Scott Allen and this song signs off a winner.

"Bodies Adjust": I can't say the same for "Bodies Adjust." The keyboard is on piano voice, the drums are electronic, the vocals are doubled, the bass isn't doing shit. It's a softer dance song, and I wish it wasn't on this album. It's basically TAN! for anyone who wouldn't like the rest of the album.

That being said, I can enjoy this song. It gets stuck in my head just like any other TAN! song, and it's not bad at all. It just doesn't belong with "Eat This City" and the upcoming "Cobra Feet."

At 1:45 Ryan Allen's guitar almost convinces me to dance, and the repeated "Somebody adjust to the temperature" toward the end of the song is pretty cool. But the drums are too electronic, the vocals too precise and reserved, the bass too absent, for this song to rock in any sense of the word.

"This World Is Made of Paper": Guitar takes over at the outset of this song, along with quarter-note cowbell. Yes, I've seen the SNL skit with Christopher Walken. No, it's no longer funny.

The verses of this song dance, but the chorus features almost military snare drumming and syncopation that just rock. It also contains a completely average keyboard solo and breakdown, but the chorus is solid enough to balance this. Ryan Allen almost sounds pretty toward the end, in fact.

"Cobra Feet": Sweet, sweet bass dominates the verses in this song, which I think is a great closer. Catchy singalong chorus, not too much keyboard, it's really cool.

The bridge is worth sharing:

Who picks up the roadkill when it's dead?
Who reads a book they can't understand?
Why is blood blue, when we see red?
Who understands a thing I just said?

Moving on, the chantlike chorus leads to a guitar solo followed by a bass breakdown that allows the album to sort of peter out rather than crash. It ends with another peppy cheer: "A-w-e, s-o-m-e: Awesome! Totally!" It's cute.

Grade: B

Summary: Crazy, high-energy rock without being silly or painfully hardcore. Perhaps a little simplistic as far as keyboards and drums go, but this is covered by vocals that are constantly catchy and interesting. Misses on only a few tracks, and hits hard on the others.

Sounds like: At the Drive-In's Acrobatic Tenement with a real singer; Of Montreal's fastest songs with double the bass; Franz Ferdinand if they were ever excited about anything; Q and not U dances while Saves the Day lets the bass play (and stops being so emo).

Track listing:

1. Better Safe Than Safari
2. Eat This City
3. 198090 (Aquatic Cupid's)
4. Harpoons of Love
5. Enough About Me, Let's Talk About Me
6. To: Skulls
7. From: Skulls
8. Bodies Adjust
9. This World Is Made of Paper
10. Cobra Feet

Thunderbirds Are Now! page at French Kiss Records website

Thunderbirds Are Now! homepage

Buy Justamustache here

Every week it's something new

The proper time to update is obviously 2:20 AM.

When I say "Every week it's something new" I refer to the music I listen to.

For those who don't know, my music these days is almost always directly taken from Mr. Anthony Ray Storti. He's one of my roommates--my only one, right now, since nobody else has moved in yet.

Anyway, tomorrow you'll get a review of an album. Odds are, I took it via AIM file sharing either from Tony or on his recommendation.

I think it's going to be some indie shit. Perfect from Now On by Built to Spill or Emergency & I by the Dismemberment Plan. Who knows.

Tomorrow is my last day at Stuart Housekeeping. If there is a God, that is the last time the words "Stuart Housekeeping" will appear on this page. Fuck that waste of time.

Okay good night.

Steve

Dave Eggers: can't write titles for shit

Dave Eggers is the author of A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius. He is also the protagonist, a twentysomething college graduate dealing with the usual issues--you know, the direction of his life, the unbelievable youth and power he feels, the urge to express himself and reject the past, and raising his brother, eight-year-old Toph. Because his parents fucking died.

That might seem crass, but it's similar to the way Eggers himself approaches the deaths of his parents. Both were victims of cancer (as I said in the previous post, I don't have the book with me, so I might not be perfectly accurate here) within a few months of each other. Suddenly, the heads of the Eggers family are cut off, and Dave, his sister Beth, his somewhat distant and removed older brother Bill, and young Toph are on their own.

Dave and Beth take Toph from Chicago to their new home, Berkeley, California, where the two older siblings share the burden--and joy--of raising Toph. To Dave, this is a perfect opportunity to act as a sort of fake parent to Toph. He will not become his parents--whom he both reveres and hates, or maybe just exploits (more on that later)--he will be a model for a new world, a new parenthood. He will wrestle with Toph. He will play frisbee. He will don socks and slide on hardwood floors, even if his girlfriend and sister disapprove.

But Eggers' feelings toward Toph are not that simple at all. He describes the sort of out-of-place half-pity and half-distrust he feels when he is around parents of children Toph's age--a twenty-three-year-old among soccer moms. He describes his irrational fears that someone will contact child services and alert them that he and Toph eat off paper plates because no dishes are clean, or his fears that when he leaves Toph with a babysitter so he can go out for a night, the babysitter--a harmless Berkeley grad student--will brutally murder the boy, Eggers' fault for being negligent.

The novel is essentially divided into two parts (split, by the way, by a mostly but not totally fictional interview for a spot on San Francisco's Real World season). In the first part, Eggers employs the sort of back-and-forth dialogue that made me love his more recent book, You Shall Know Our Velocity! Lines of dialogue are presented without any "he said" or "she said" to stand in the way. Several times characters just stop being characters and start speaking directly to the reader, or addressing Eggers not as themselves but as other parts of his mind--pointing out to him, for example, that he is doing his parents a disservice every time he exploits their deaths for pity.

And Eggers definitely does this. Not only are there a few scenes in the book that this occurs--such as the "free haircut" scene--but Eggers readily recognizes the entire book is an exploitation. The title, A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius, is an admission of this. The question Eggers wants to resolve, it seems, is whether exploiting his parents--and recognizing and admitting that he is--in any way detracts from the tragedy itself. At one point, for example, as he is reflecting on his mother's death near Lake Superior, he upsets himself by realizing that he is later going to record his thoughts in order to write the book. Not only is he going to do this, he is already debating what to put, and is in fact carrying a tape recorder for this purpose. Does this detract from the thoughts on his mother's death?

The second half of the book gets a little crazy. This isn't Harry Potter--be ready for full-page paragraphs. Here Eggers deals with the meaning of his parents' deaths--years after their passing, he finally returns to Chicago--and faces the reality of his relationship to Toph and his major expression of his youth: a magazine he and his friends produced called Might Magazine. In several instances, Eggers' relationship to his growing brother is illustrated; while it would be telling too much to describe them, I'll admit that at first their significance was not apparent to me. As for Might, Eggers must recognize the failure of the youth he believed in so strongly.

That's not to say that at the end of the book (I called it a novel before, and I'm not going to delete that, but I'm not sure it's a novel since it's mostly non-fiction) Eggers is a wise old man. Not exactly. As I recall, the book doesn't exactly fade away comfortingly, accepting the responsibility of old age. Eggers is still on fire. The world is still a terrible sweet violent place.

The second half of the book contains some of the most beautiful writing I can remember reading. Of all things, Dave Eggers makes the throw of a frisbee beautiful and glorious and uplifting. Seriously, his description of a frisbee flying is really a great thing. So if he can move me with talk about a frisbee, imagine when he's describing his mother's ascension. Eggers is absolutely staggering.

I would recommend this book wholeheartedly to anyone--well, except for the language, I suppose. I would recommend this book wholeheartedly to anyone who can handle reading the word "dickfuck" and who doesn't mind a little grotesque rumination about the contents of a cancer. AHWOSG stands as one of the strongest, most daring, most darkly beautiful books I have recently read--self-conscious but unapologetically meaningful.

A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius, Dave Eggers, Vintage Publishing.

Grade: A-

Positives: it really is heartbreaking and genius; Eggers' messages about youth, parenthood, and death are beautifully delivered and dead-on; Eggers' writing is unparalleled.

Negatives: Eggers himself called the later part of the book "uneven" for its ruminations; Eggers' self-consciousness--aware he is writing the book, aware the book is self-pitying, etc., could be too much for some readers.

Good morning citizens

I've decided you have the right and responsibility to read my thoughts. So I started this. Here we are.

In my next post, I'll do my first review--a book I just read called A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius by Dave Eggers. It was written in 2000 or 2001 and I think it's pretty badass. You'll hear about it tomorrow. I don't have the book with me, so it might be a little sketchy. So what.

Nighty.