Steve wins.

Hey guys.

So.

Who else got their thesis idea approved?

Who else is going to teach a mini-course at UD? Anyone?

Hahahahahahahaha victory.

Dandaneau said I could do it. He said I would have to do more than just teach a mini-course, so we'll see what becomes of that. It seemed like just about anything would be acceptable, so maybe you'll see some fiction or creative writing or something.

He mentioned including something in my thesis proposal about going to interview Kurt Vonnegut in New York City.

I don't think I had lived until I heard that suggestion.

Interview. Kurt. Vonnegut.













INTERVIEWKURTVONNEGUT!!!

Meet the 53 Woodland musicians. And learn which are terrible. PART TWO: Welcome to our house, learn to fucking play.

I should start here with a disclaimer.

I have trouble making fun of people.

Hahahahahahahahahaha.

But really, I do have trouble telling people actual mean or degrading things. If I'm joking about it, I can tell you you're the worst person ever; if I really have a criticism for you, I can't do it.

I'll try, though.

And another disclaimer: some of the people listed here, contrary to the title of the post, reside at 53 Woodland. Unfortunately.

So, in no particular order:

Mikey Blocksidge (vocals): Yes, let's start here. Nowhere to go but up.

Mikey is a vocal performance major. Opera badass.

But listen: Jason Kramb isn't a bass performance major. Tony Storti? Not a guitar performance major. I ain't no drum major.

Yet somehow--despite all expectations--we rock Mikey's upper lip off. We dominate him.

Wait, I think i might know why. Hang on...it's coming to me....See, there's this thing we do--Jason, Tony and I--that helps us defeat Mikey. Okay, I think I can describe it as "Making some sort of noise." Or "inputting sound in our instrument of choice." Briefly: "Rocking."

Mikey chooses not to. Instead, he stands (or sits) and watches. No singing occurs. No words nor noises exit his mouth.

I think it hurts Tony's feelings.

Enough of Mikey. It's pissing me off.

Advantages: Unknown.

Disadvantages: The massive disappointment of out-rocking a music performance major.

Grade: F

Room for Improvement: Use drugs to loosen up before rocking. Alcohol is not enough. The harder the better. And while you're at it, share some with Sam, he'll paint us a picture.

Patty Johnson (keyboard): Pat is probably just about the opposite.

Pat has so little going for him.

So little.

And by that I mean: I believe he's spent less time on the keyboard than Tony on guitar, Jason on guitar/bass and me on drums. Thus a little less technical background.

And the boy has no rhythm. None none none none no rhythm it's sick I'm telling you.

It's pretty much the way Pat is about everything else. Facts, math, opinions, whatever. Unchangeably, certainly, absolutely wrong. Incorrectible. It's funny if you don't think about it.

YET! He can rock with us. He can pound out count one, then fuck around, then hit that count one again. It's impressive for someone with his natural handicap.

Advantages: Has shown some improvement in rhythm. Sounds cool with guitar and drums.

Disadvantages: "Some improvement" barely raises him to white-person standard for rhythm. Never comes by any more.

Grade: D

Room for Improvement: I think Pat has a natural deficiency of rhythm. He should probably just learn to play incredibly fast to cover for it.

Joe Weishampel (bass, guitar) : I don't want anyone to question my objectivity in this review.

I haven't been objective this whole time, and I don't plan to start.

Joe can rock the stringed instruments. He took lessons here at UD. Then, so did Pat and Mikey.

He probably knows more about theory than any other instrumental musician. And he can fly on both bass and guitar. Wait, is that a good thing?

Advantages: Technical knowledge, ability to rock hard. Lays out tons of bass and guitar.

Disadvantages: Has more than once referred to the Storti approach as "noodling." Harbors some sort of attachment to real songs. Lays out tons of bass and guitar.

Grades: bass: A-, guitar: A-

Room for Improvement: Feel more comfortable with the seven-minute rambling trash we prefer to churn out. Pretend you're in Sonic Youth.

Brett Ettenhofer (vocals, bass) : Brett understands the concept of rocking. This cannot be questioned.

He can rock.

But can he play?

Well, okay, he can't. What he can't do is play.

So this translates to some interesting moments. I wish we had a fifty-foot mic cord so we could witness the full extent of the rocking. And on the other hand, I wish we had a secret way to turn the bass way, way down whenever he picks it up.

I think the grades are becoming obvious, aren't they?

I should say this about vocal grades generally: they reflect a pretty damn high standard. Nobody I know is going to freestyle anything worth hearing--at least, as Tony would say, not while sober.

So all vocal grades are going to be low. I imagine that maybe Kanye West or Mos Def would receive an A+. So:

Advantages: Energy. Willingness to rock all-out.

Disadvantages: I don't think he's ever had an instrument lesson. I might be wrong, but evidence supports me here.

Grades: vocals: C+, bass: F

Room for Improvement: Alcohol comes to mind. It'll help with the freestyling. Or I guess you could write words in advance. But that would be dumb. As for the bass, forget it. Forever.

Still remaining:
Sam Wukusick
Joe Beumer
Mike Beale
Eric Contreras
Ken Farrell?
Ryan Farrell?
Anne Crecelius?

? = Played with us once, maybe isn't deserving of a grade yet.

And in other news, the battle gets harder to get a mini-course. My probably advisor, Dr. Boehnlein of the English department, said it would be difficult. I don't think we should yet resort to the "bombard Dandaneau with e-mails telling him I should teach one" idea, but it might come soon. I'm going to meet with him about it. See how that goes.

Love,

Steve

I am lazy.

Sorry, Anne. No reviews of others written yet.

Tomorrow I meet with my possible thesis advisor, Dr. Jim Boehnlein of the English department.

I'm going to blow his fucking mind.

Where should I do study abroad?

Mission accomplished.

That's all.

Steve

I do believe in a Divine Engineer. How else would we get giraffes, hippopotami, and the clap?

Some of you might know my personal hero is Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.

He appeared as the guest on the Daily Show Thursday, September 15.

It was the best five minutes of television.

Watch Vonnegut's interview.

And read Vonnegut's list.

Expect Part II early next week.

If your name is not on this list, and you've joined us in the basement, post a comment and remind me. I wouldn't want to leave you out of the bloodbath.

Mikey
Brett
Joe Beumer
Joe Weishampel
Mike Beale
Eric
Sam
Ken
Patty J.
Anne
Ryan Farrell
Aaron

Thank you.

Meet the 53 Woodland musicians. And learn which are terrible. PART ONE: Meet the regulars.

So I'm way, way too lazy to write a review of Shakespeare. At least today.

But I've decided to write a review of something else. Specifically, the people who play music in my basement.

I think a good place to start is probably Tony Storti. The whole thing is pretty much his idea.

Tony Storti (guitar): Tony is one of three resident players. We almost never play without him.

He seems to me to have two modes: 1. Turn on the effects, play a whole note, and let the bass and drums make a song while he makes noise to go along; 2. Pound the fuck out of some eighth notes and scare me with his ability to make a melody out of apparently random notes. He never gives the other players any instructions beyond agreeing on a key.

Advantages: Provides some badass noises and doesn't try to do too much. Knows exactly when to rock hard and when to back off. Always ready to play.

Disadvantages: Not quite up to the Joe Weishampel/Mike Beale standard of technical knowledge. His absolute refusal to learn or play "real songs" probably bothers some people.

Grade: B

Room for Improvement: Learn to remember what he played previously. You know how most (as in "all") songs have some sort of repeated tune? Tony can't remember what he just played, making this impossible. Now, I'm not saying our songs have to have a tune, but I think it would be a good skill to have.

Jason Kramb (bass): Jason is quickly becoming the second of three fixtures in the 53 Woodland basement. Jason picked up the bass for the first time in something like six months to join Tony and me one day.

He has improved a ton recently. I mean, he was fine to start, but it's a lot easier now. He can just pick it up and play, no problem.

Unlike Tony, he has a fair memory for what he just played, so that we can produce "songs" rather than "not songs."

Advantages: Possesses a memory. Has fair knowledge of music theory. Rocks.

Disadvantages: No flipping out like Tony. Whines about his blisters.

Grade: B-

Room for Improvement: Needs to flip out and pound the bass. According to Tony, it was a pawn shop purchase anyway. Couldn't be more than $50. Deserves to get thrown once in a while. As I said, Jason has been improving a lot recently, and I would expect his grade to go up as he learns more. And throws more.

Steve Weishampel (drums): Steve lives at 53 Woodland. He is present at all rocking sessions except in the case of Aaron Gray appearances (sorry, Pat, but it doesn't rock with you on the drums). He can't in good conscience write his own review (at least, not today...maybe someday).

So he submits these reviews. And he invites anyone to write a review of him and submit it as a comment on this post.

Please sign those comments so we can laugh about it later.

Coming next: 53 Woodland visitors die a gruesome death at my hands. And the world learns the name "Mike Beale."

This is your warning.

I am creating a new post THAT WILL BLOW YOU AWAY!!!

Conway.

Stevie D. Strikes Back!

So I emailed Dr. Dandaneau, head of the scholars program, about that thesis idea.

Which I still love.

And he said he'd never heard of an undergraduate teaching a course. And he wasn't sure how well it would work. And I would need an advisor to approve everything.

Maybe my genius simply cannot be contained.

Then he asked me a bunch of technical, theory-related questions relating to Kurt Vonnegut. I guess I should maybe pay attention to that.

Now I need to find an advisor who will let me do what I want.

So leave a comment on this post. Let me know if this is a good idea.

In other news, hurricane hurricane hurricane.

Bye.

ALERT ALERT THE WORLD IS CHANGING

Pokey the Penguin, you have met your match.

And here it is.

You must click that link. IT IS REQUIRED!

Did you guys hear about the rain in New Orleans?

I have an idea for my thesis.

Oh, yeah, sorry I haven't had a new post for a while. I'm doing other things.

Also, this post has nothing to do with its own title.

So for my thesis.

I want to teach a mini-course at UD. About Kurt Vonnegut.

Tell me that wouldn't be awesome. I'd get to talk about Vonnegut for a couple hours a week, and give everyone an A. I mean a grade.

And I'm assuming at least a few people who read this blog would register for this class. There would be reading involved, but if you just asked me to summarize it before class, I would. Then we'd sit around and talk about Kurt Vonnegut.

Dream come true.

I got the idea from my neighbor Johnzo (John Gueltzow), who said a friend of his did it a few years ago. I already pretty much got the idea approved by Dr. Brecha, the new associate director of the scholars program, too.

It wouldn't even take that much work, I don't think. I would just look up a couple syllabuses (syllabi?) on the Internets, then steal their ideas. Then add a couple of my own. Then read any Vonnegut I haven't read already, which is maybe Galapagos and that's it. Then teach a class.

That's the plan. Register for my class.

Coming soon on the blog: a review of something I read for class. Shakespeare, probably, but maybe some early British lit (think King Arthur).

Shakespeare is going down in flames.

Happy Labor Day.