The minority candidates: who are they kidding?

Here's part two of my candidate reviews. I might not get these done before the field gets narrower, but these people will probably pop up again, so you might as well learn about them.

By the way, here are my sources on the Huckabee quotes:
http://politicalhumor.about.com/od/mikehuckabee/a/huckabeequotes.htm
http://www.cnn.com/2008/POLITICS/01/17/election08.gop/index.html?iref=newssearch
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Political_positions_of_Mike_Huckabee - Wikipedia, the online encyclopedia???

THE SCORE SO FAR:
Republicans: Huckabee (F), Romney, McCain, Paul.
Democrats: Obama, Clinton, Gravel.
What the fuck: I heard Ralph Nader and NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg are considering.

Up next, I'll do a Democrat. Let's go with Iraq Hussein Osama, junior senator from somewhere flat. Whatcha got, Barack?

NEVER MET JASON KRAMB: "No one is pro-abortion."
TORTURE (I THINK???): "Today we are engaged in a deadly global struggle for those who would intimidate, torture, and murder people for exercising the most basic freedoms. If we are to win this struggle and spread those freedoms, we must keep our own moral compass pointed in a true direction."
WINNING THE RED STATES: "You know, my faith is one that admits some doubt."
GAY MARRIAGE: "I opposed the Defense of Marriage Act in 1996. It should be repealed and I will vote for its repeal on the Senate floor. I will also oppose any proposal to amend the U.S. Constitution to ban gays and lesbians from marrying."
Source: http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/b/barack_obama.html

Here's Wikipedia on his political positions: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Political_positions_of_Barack_Obama. Let's see the highlights:
NUCLEAR POWER: Should be kept "on the table."
BIOFUEL: Supports. Rising corn prices???
HEALTH CARE: Who the hell knows. I watched Obama and Hillary go back and forth on this in the most recent debate, and I think they want everyone covered??? Obama said everyone who wants coverage can get it, but I've heard people say some people wouldn't be covered in his plan. So it's voluntary I guess???
ISRAEL: Likes Israel. Said Ariel Sharon had always been "absolutely important and constructive" in the Israel-Palestine conflict even though Sharon was hard-right early in his political career. Would not cut back on funding for Israel's defense.
IMMIGRATION: Voted for the wall between the U.S. and Mexico. Yes, for. Supports amnesty but thinks immigrants should be required to learn English.
ENVIRONMENT: Pretty protective of the environment, with a heavy emphasis on steppin' off the fossil fuels.

Anyway, you can read all about it. To me, Obama is a moderate-liberal, pretty disappointing in some areas but not bad in the whole.

I'll give Obama a B.

You want politics? I'll put your ass to sleep with politics.

Tony asked me about the elections in a comment to yesterday's post. As you might know, the field is narrowing. Edwards just dropped out, as well as America's Nosferatu, Rudy. I think Kucinich is out, if he was ever really in. I think that leaves:

Republicans: Huckabee, Romney, McCain, Paul.
Democrats: Obama, Clinton, Gravel.
What the fuck: I heard Ralph Nader and NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg are considering.

So I'm going to take a look at each candidate one-by-one, and hopefully help everyone understand just who sucks the least.

First of all, Mike Huckabee, former governor of Arkansas. Huckabee is a bad person and must be ridiculed. Hmm yes tell us about your brilliant ideas please.
EVOLUTION: "If anybody wants to believe they're the descendants of a primate, they'e welcome to do it." --answering a question about evolution
IRAN: "The point I'm trying to make is that, on the campaign trail, nobody's going to be able, if they've been campaigning as hard as we have been, to keep up with every single thing, from what happened to Britney last night to who won 'Dancing with the Stars.'" --explaining why he was unfamiliar with the National Intelligence Estimate on Iran's nuclear capability
STARS AND BARS: "You don't like people from outside the state telling you what to do with your flag," he told an audience in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. "In fact, if somebody came to Arkansas and told us what to do with our flag, we'd tell them where to put the pole."
GAY MARRIAGE: "I think the radical view is to say that we’re going to change the definition of marriage so that it can mean two men, two women, a man and three women, a man and a child, a man and animal."
THEOCRACY: "I have opponents in this race who do not want to change the Constitution. But I believe it's a lot easier to change the Constitution than it would be to change the word of the living God. And that's what we need to do -- to amend the Constitution so it's in God's standards rather than try to change God's standards so it lines up with some contemporary view."
And here's Wikipedia's summary of his political positions. He's never been right about anything. He's just extremely conservative, anti-gay marriage, anti-immigrant, pro-Israel, and totally fucking dumb.

Huckabee gets an F.