Zteve ain't no grief counselor.

DEATH IN HER FAMILY LEAVES GIRL FEELING SAD AND CONFUSED

DEAR ABBY ZTEVE: I am almost 13. There has been a recent death in the family. My aunt and a very close family friend were both killed in a car crash.

Every time I hear a sad song or a song my aunt or the friend liked, I want to cry, but I can't. In school, when I hear something that reminds me of my aunt, I want to cry, but I don't want to humiliate myself.

My little sister is very new to the whole death situation. She doesn't know how to handle it, so she expresses it in anger. Can you help me? -- MISSING MY AUNT IN NEW YORK

DEAR MISSING YOUR AUNT: Hell, dogg, basically I can't help you. Not really at all.

Basically crying solves all my problems, man. Don't worry about humiliating yourself. Everybody knows anyway. If that doesn't work, I guess run away? I'm not here to deal with your problems, fool. I'm here to make you feel dumb and bad.

Whatever you do, don't get counseling. Them folks is phony.

DEAR ABBY ZTEVE: I did something I really regret. I was given a beautifully wrapped gift for my wedding. I was told what it was and, because I had already received one as a gift, I decided to give it to someone else who was being married. The problem is, I never opened the beautiful package.

Later I realized there could have been a card inside with my name on it. I have a feeling the recipient of the regifted item found something that let her know it was not meant for them. Should I confront the person and fess up?

It has been 12 years, and she is my husband's relative. Needless to say, I have not been invited to any more family bridal showers, baby showers, etc. I feel so guilty. Please warn people not to make the same mistake. -- CAUGHT REGIFTING IN DELAWARE

DEAR CAUGHT REGIFTING: Hahahahaha dumbass you are bad. And dumb.

It's been 12 years, fuck it. They don't deserve you and your brilliance.

By the way, I have a lovely little library of books I got just for you. Asshat.

DEAR ABBY ZTEVE: What is your opinion of a husband who plans a cruise with you and then invites most of his co-workers -- none of whom are taking their husbands? So, now I'm going on a cruise with 10 women and my husband. What do you think about that? -- DIANE IN BROWNS MILLS, N.J.

DEAR DIANE: My opinion is very high. He straight pimpin.

Okay Dear Abby sucks but it's better than nothing. So submit your questions and I will set your ass straight.

Love,

Steve