Zteve Zays Dear Abby sucked yesterday.

LONELY FRESHMAN IN COLLEGE HAS TROUBLE FINDING FRIENDS

DEAR ABBY ZTEVE: I am 18, a freshman in college, and I'm having the hardest time making friends. I have always been a quiet person, but meeting people around here has been like pulling teeth. I have received advice from many people telling me I should be more open to people, and I should talk more and be active in groups and organizations. Although I have followed this advice, no one seems to take an interest in me.
What should I do? I have been beating myself up about this. Now I'm starting to get depressed. -- LONELY IN NEW ORLEANS

DEAR LONELY: You came to the right place. I am a world-recognized expert on making friends. And depression.

Here's the facts: depression is a natural, healthy thing. Don't fight it. Here's what you could do: make a list of everything that gets you down, and put it somewhere where you'll see it often--tape it to a mirror or set it as your desktop. That way, you'll stay grounded, and you know you'll remain honest with yourself. Make sure you top the list with "I don't have enough friends."

now, nobody takes interest in you? There are many possible reasons for this. You might be horribly plain, in which case your best bet is to go goth. Nothing gets attention faster.

Then there's the chance you have a physical deformity, or you smell, or your personality is horribly offensive. Or a combination of these. I have met several of these people and have in fact lived with them. I can tell you that an affinity for anime and a willingness to play Magic: the Gathering will get you far among your kind. Just please don't procreate.

DEAR ABBY ZTEVE: My son was married eight years ago in a ceremony attended by a small number of family and friends. The marriage lasted two years. He is being married again, and this time the ceremony will be larger.
Would it be acceptable for me to wear the same dress to his second wedding as I wore to his first? I love the dress and it still fits. It was very expensive and has been worn only once. What do you think? -- JUST WONDERING

DEAR JUST WONDERING: A larger wedding ceremony the second time around? Tacky. Don't go. Bitch.

Today's Dear Abby Zteve will be coming out later. Hopefully it'll be better than this one.

Love,

Steve