Hold Steady fails to live up to their name. And it's not so hard to live up to that name.

I'm trying to settle down.

See. The Hold Steady came out with a new album, Boys and Girls in America (click to listen). It came out today, Tuesday, October 3.

And you know I love The Hold Steady.

But I don't know what to say about the album. It has some really strong songs, and it has some absolutely embarrassing songs. Let's break it down.

I would still say their best song is "The Swish," the second track on their first album, The Hold Steady Almost Killed Me. Yet their second album, Separation Sunday, was probably stronger than Almost Killed Me start to finish. It doesn't quite hit the highs, or the lows either.

This one never hits Almost Killed Me's highs, but it sure does strike new lows.

The best song is the first one, "Stuck Between Stations." It really rocks. It's got a Springsteen kind of feel, and some great Craig Finn lyrics.

Then "Chips Ahoy!," the second song, keeps it up. I like it, although I was not excited at first. It's a bit of a change, and it signals the depths to which the album will fall. This song is good, but ones like it aren't. Backup singers, hints of pop...this is not the Hold Steady of "Hostile, Mass." But just you wait.

Follow "Chips Ahoy!" with the swinging "Hot Soft Lights," which has awesome Craig Finn drug lyrics but this sort of swing + wah guitar that I'm not sure I believe in. Listen, you guys rock. So just fucking rock.

But "Same Kooks" is great. Fast blues rock. Craig Finn's lyrics get all confusing and crazy. I love this one about as much as "Stuck Between Stations." It's all sloppy and racing and bizarre. It works perfectly.

Okay, let's pretend the album ends there. I give it an A. Great work. Short, but every second counts.

Oh, what, more songs? And what's that? They're shameful? Fuck.

"First Night" got a ton of praise on The Hold Steady's MySpace page, so I was interested in hearing it. That was a mistake. The song sits there like a fucking lump, begging to be put out of its misery. It's not a good idea to write "Tears in Heaven" about your drug trips and failed relationships. Just a little hint there. Take "Sketchy Metal" on Almost Killed Me and stick a little more whine in it, and you've got "First Night." I could not be more disappointed. It tries to pick up toward the end, but I don't buy it. Chanting "Boys and girls in America" over and over just reminds me that this isn't Almost Killed Me or Separation Sunday. I DO like "When they kiss they spit white noise," though. Thanks for saying it eight times.

Next we have "Party Pit," which does have awesome drums. Otherwise, though, it just doesn't get off the ground and rock. I like the Craig Finn repetitiveness, and I usually think it's cool when he goes back over the same themes, but this seems like a little bit of a stretch. Too much Billy Joel, not enough fucking rock and roll, guys. Stop being in love and start doing drugs. "Gonna walk around and drink some more"? Really? Then do it and stop singing about the girl at the party pit.

"You Can Make Him Like You" is okay. I'll give it this: it's a good strong tempo, and it doesn't not rock. It doesn't quite rock, either, though. It just sort of bounces along. Craig Finn's lyrics are a little better on this one, though. This one is acceptable, but not great.

"Massive Nights" is really good, though. It's got a "Charlemagne in Sweatpants" feel, and the lyrics are great. It's about high school dances on drugs. Craig Finn lumbers around lyrically, making his crazy claims. I like it a lot. This one goes a long way to redeeming the weak second half of this album. Once again, the swing feel and the backup singers show up, but I can handle it. "She had the gun in her mouth and she was shooting up at her dreams when the chaperone said that we'd been crowned the King and the Queen" might be, lyrically, the best end to a Hold Steady song yet.

Don't take advantage of that momentum, or anything, guys. Just hit us in the face with something like "Citrus." Something, you know, abhorrently shitty. "I feel Jesus in the tenderness of honest, nervous lovers"? Fuck, man. Shut up. Do not tell me that. That is pretty much anti-rocking. And thanks for bringing up "fog and love and faithless fear" again. I appreciate you shitting directly on "Hostile, Mass.," which is one of my favorites. This song must be skipped every time you listen to this album. It's slow, it's boring, it's pointless, it's a big fucking rock in the middle of this river. It's more like a dam.

"Chillout Tent:" Do not listen to this song. Skip straight from "Massive Nights" to "Southtown Girls," or maybe from "Massive Nights" to a different album. What the fuck, guys? Why the different vocals in the chorus? Did you really believe this was a good idea, or did you owe some people a favor? My soul hurts. I listened to it once start to finish, and I pledge that will be the last time.

Last is "Southtown Girls." It starts "Southtown girls won't blow you away," and Craig Finn and whoever the fuck is singing along with him are pretty much exactly right. It's a song with cool lyrics in the verse and a flat-out annoying chorus. I swear to God The Hold Steady is from Minnesota, not Alabama, so get this country shit out of here.

I don't know what to say. The first part of the album gets an A. If it included "Massive Nights" it would be an A+. The second half of the album? Seriously, it gets a D. The thing just goes way off track. I expect the Hold Steady to rock hard and give Craig Finn lots of space to shout. Instead it feels cramped and forced, with all these ballad-country-swing bull shit songs clogging it up.

If you're starting on The Hold Steady, start with Almost Killed Me. If you think it's too plain, move on to Separation Sunday. If you think it rocks too hard, I guess Boys and Girls in America is for you.

Grade: C+