I have a chatlog for you!! Sorry it's so long. I'm not cutting anything out. I know you'll love it.
Jason: hello steve, i am better than you
Sent at 12:51 AM on Tuesday
me: jason
great scott
jason kramb
Jason: hello
me: how's it going?
Jason: guess where i am?
me: africa
tanzania
Jason: yup
yup
me: internet cafe
city i don't know
Jason: no, peace corps office in dar es salaam
me: oh cool
Jason: its not very exciting
me: oh damn
how's everything going?
Jason: lots of white people though
thats kinda fun
me: mmm feels like home
Jason: yup
its going ok
me: good
Jason: school is starting now so when i get back home i'll have to start teaching
whats up there?
me: nothing
school starts in august but until then i have no job
mikey's in vegas right now playing poker
i'm pretty sure he's getting owned
Jason: that's the way to go
oh damn
why is he doing that?
me: because mikey is kinda pathetic
he never got a job after he graduated in january
he just plays poker online
i guess online he can make money but in person he's not
Jason: can he actually support himself playing poker online?
me: yeah he said he can
he was living with his brother in chicago for a while, but his brother had to go back to cincinnati for school
not sure what mikey is gonna do, find a roommate i guess
Sent at 1:06 AM on Tuesday
Jason: thats funny
tell him good job for not giving in to the pressure to be a productive member of society
me: hahah yeah
speaking of which beard's going to grad school so he's avoiding it too
Jason: yeah that what i heard
me: also beard bought multiple mopeds at his parents' house
Jason: stupid beard
me: i think all of us went crazy basically
are the kids learning anything?
Jason: no not really
i really dont think i've thought anyone anything
taught
me: haha damn
Jason: yeah, i guess its a combination of the kids not speaking english well enough to want to pay attention to me and me not speaking swahili well enough to teach in it
and then all of the kids just being terrible at physics and math
me: hahaha
Jason: and i think they are in general much worse than sci 190 students, which is pretty bad
me: fuckk
at least they don't come in and bitch to each other about their hangovers and how much they miss mom
Jason: haha yeah that is true
me: i'm going to be teaching freshman english in the fall
feelin' pretty unprepared
Jason: by yourself?
me: yeah, like a real teacher
Jason: hm
make sure to dominate them
and give them all f's
me: haha yes
Jason: cause i
m sure they deserve it
me: haha i'm kinda scared they're going to be shitty
i don't want shitty students
Jason: haha
well from my experience you get use to it
me: hahaha
Jason: but yeah it would be nice if they didn't suck hard
me: hey have you been cutting your hair
or do you have a huge fro
Jason: eh, i cut it sometimes
so its usually shorter than in the states
but now its pretty long
me: cool
Jason: people here like short hair, so they think it looks a lot better cut
but i
am lazy
me: haha yeah
Jason: plus i have no water at my house
me: owned.
Jason: so that makes washing long hair a problem
yeah it sucks bad
me: how far away is water?
Jason: there was a pump at teh school which they turned on about 30 minutes every other day, so that was maybe 200 meters
but it broke
so now the next closest is like 1km or more
i don't really know
me: fuck.
Jason: i had to start paying someone to bring it
me: daaaaamn
Jason: yeah i don
t know why people choose to live there
me: africa....
so you have like 14 months until you can be done, right?
not that you're racing to get out of there or anything, but you started in september, i think?
Jason: yeah started in septmeber
so i'd be suppose to come back in November of 2009 i think
me: okay
Jason: but theres a pretty decent chance i'll quit a few months early so that i could start grad school in september
me: cool
Jason: maybe coming back in the very beginning on august or something
don't tell peace corps though
they would be unhappy
me: fuck em
Jason: yeah, they are pretty dumb
me: why are you in dar es salaam right now?
Jason: i have a meeting here today and tomorrow
peace corps likes to have meetings
especially when we are suppose to be teaching
me: what's the meeting about?
how awesome running water is?
Jason: i'll bring that up, since it is suppose to be about volunteer concerns or something
i am the representative from my region
me: hahaha
that's probably kind of a concern in your region
Sent at 1:27 AM on Tuesday
me: have you kept up with the news?
nothing really interesting going on, actually
Jason: i kind of keep up
i listen to bbc radio
me: cool
Jason: so they talk about some good stuff
way to much soccer and cricket though
me: yeah probably
i just ignore headlines on my home page
israel, iran, sudan charged with war crimes, blah blah
Jason: haha
some things never change
me: true
where do you want to go to grad school again?
somewhere in washington dc?
Sent at 1:31 AM on Tuesday
Jason: i'm thinking finland at the moment, there's a school with r master's in applied physics /renewable energy program
me: oh dang awesome
Jason: i applied this year and got in, but i'll turn them down since i'm still here and apply again next year
me: haha suckers
Jason: yup
me: i heard finland has running water
Jason: it does, and you can drink it straight from the tap
crazy!
me: hahaha
you know tony's working for pappa storti now
doing something or other, i don't know
Jason: is he at home or in chicago?
me: in chicago, he lives pretty close to my brother
oh fuck
i'm going to copy this chatlog onto my blog and they're all gonna get insulted
whoops i didn't make their lives pathetic
Jason: well they are all pathetic, we knew that
me: yeah
teresa got into the PhD program at her school
Jason: cool
me: which means like five years of research, no more classes or teaching, and she'll get the phd
Jason: so you'll be in colorado for a while then?
me: yeah
i'll get the master's and probably teach for a while
no idea what we'll do after she graduates
Sent at 1:40 AM on Tuesday
Jason: so you'll teach after you finish but she's still going?
me: yeah, i could try to go straight for a phd but they usually look for teaching experience, i guess
with a master's i can teach english in college, just not a lot of upper-level classes
Jason: when are you gonna start writing books?
me: gotta wait for that war i get involved in
i'm pretty sure that's how it goes
Jason: just go to iraq now
me: hmm
iraq, eh
i bet going to iraq would be really shitty
i've been writing a little bit this summer but i suck at focusing
Sent at 1:45 AM on Tuesday
me: how much do you get to talk to the girl in finland?
also what's her name?
Jason: Tähti
i'm talking to her now
she came and visited last month too
me: oh awesome
Jason: yeah it was really fun
but other than that we usually talk on the phone like once a week for an hour or less
so we talk some, but not crazy lot
me: yeah that's not much
Jason: and write letters maybe once a week
and they take about a week to deliver
me: haha
Sent at 1:48 AM on Tuesday
me: are you trying to learn finnish?
Jason: eh, not really now
i have a book on it but it is suppose to be pretty hard
me: yeah
Jason: and i still dont know swahlili well enough, so i'll probably wait until i go there for school to really try
me: oh that's true
Jason: but i will try to take some classes and learn it eventually
me: awesome
was the application to the school in finnish?
Jason: na, the program is sort of targeted to international students so a lot of it is in english
me: cool
Jason: yeah it seems liek a cool program
and finland is pretty cool too
a slight step up from tanzania
me: hahah
racist
Jason: am i allowed to be now since i've lived in africa?
or is it still not ok?
me: if you make at least one friend
Jason: thats all it takes?
me: yeah, man
then anything you say is cool
because you aren't racist, you have black friends
fuckin AFRICAN friends
Jason: awesome
than i can say whatever i want i think
i got way more than 1 african friend
me: so are they all lazy thieves or what
Jason: of course
me: knew it
teresa and i moved closer to our schools
but now we are surrounded by white people
no more indians or mexicans or africans
just white people although i think a couple are immigrants' children
Jason: thats a little dissapointing
me: yeah
oh well, never talked to the old neighbors anyway
Jason: do you talk to any of the new people
me: nope
not yet at least
i hide in my apartment
Jason: it sounds like i should be giong now
me: okay cool
good luck with africa
Jason: i might get on later
you have a good time too
laters
me: okay...it's two AM here so hopefully in the morning maybe
bye
Sent at 2:01 AM on Tuesday
Yeah. I talked to Jason. Jason rules. Jason probably really wants some running water.
I'm sure this post is already immense so I'll just say nothing is happening here. Teresa is visiting her family in Texas and I'm sitting around staring at objects all day. I think tomorrow I'm going to go clean the old apartment and maybe speak to another person...
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Monday, July 07, 2008
Okay look at the story.
I have this story and I got responses from Brad and Patrick with some really good suggestions. But I haven't actually changed it at all. I've had other shit to do! It's at the end of this post.
Teresa and I moved last week. We're way closer to the train and to her school now, and the place is nice. No more Chinese or grocery store in walking distance, though. :( Actually wait there's a long line of things up on Evans a couple blocks away, I just don't know what because I'm a shut-in. We've been unpacking and cleaning shit and I have been going back and cleaning the old place the past week. I've also been writing song lyrics and sending them to Brad. But that's another post.
Okay here's the story. I hope you like it. ???
---
Stray
We noticed the scratching during dinner. David heard it first, and looked around, and lowered his fork; and Ben and I stood up and went to the back door. There was a dog there, brown and black with a stubby tail, and he was scratching insistently at the back door, and whining sometimes. Ben stopped, because he hates strangers and dogs, and this was a strange dog. I walked to the screen door and told the dog to go away. He had yellow eyes and he stared through the screen at Ben, and me, and whined.
“Get fucking lost.”
“Where did he come from?”
“Got to be a stray,” I said. “Pretty fucking skinny.”
The dog kept scratching and David appeared in the doorway, and I knew that he’d be getting fed and probably put up in the garage, or maybe at the foot of David’s bed. The garage is too cold in January, David would say.
“Fuck off,” I told the dog.
David crossed the kitchen and looked down at the dog. Ben still hovered near the doorway to the living room, and the dog wagged its short tail and scratched at the screen door.
“Well, hello,” David said to the dog. He crouched and peered through the screen. It was evening, and dark. Behind the dog the trees shifted in the wind.
“Whatcha say, buddy?” David said in a playful voice. “Huh? You hungry?” Ben quietly backed into the living room. David, still holding his fork, went to the fridge, muttering to the dog.
“You hungry, little guy? Look at your sad little face! I bet you’re really hungry, aren’t you?” David searched through the fridge and came out with a box of leftover fried chicken and potatoes.
“Here we go, my man. Here we go, buddy boy. You stay put just a second, you’ll be eating like a king.” He crossed to the cupboard and took out a bowl, and he carried it to the sink, still talking. The dog scratched and whined.
“Can’t eat something this salty without some water, amigo. You don’t have a collar, huh? You a stray? You probably don’t get—”
“David,” I said. He stopped talking. “Don’t feed that fucking thing. It’s going to come back every day and it’s fucking annoying, and probably diseased.”
David stood in the middle of the kitchen, leftovers in one hand and water in the other. His fork poked out of his shirt pocket. He looked at me.
For the past month none of us had spoken like that. Not to each other and not, to my knowledge, at all. A month ago we moved into the lake house south of the city, and since then we had been agreeable, and now I could see in David’s face the things we had thought, and hadn’t said.
David had suggested the lake house to me in a phone call a week after John and Dorothy’s funerals. I was sitting at home in Denver, and David was still at his parents’ in Littleton, near the city, where he was staying for the funerals. He called in the morning, while I was reading the newspaper.
“Hello?”
“Andy, I’m, uh, don’t think I’m going back to work. Not yet.” He was stuttering.
“David? What? Are you still in Colorado?”
“Yeah, and I missed the flight to L.A. today. It was this morning, I missed it. It’s leaving now.”
“Ah, shit. When can you leave?”
“No, well, no, I don’t know when.” His voice was faint. “I really don’t know when I will go back.”
“Did you call the sisters?” David worked at an advertising firm run by two tiny and hilarious sisters whose names were Penelope and Celeste.
“No, man. I’m just—” He took a long breath. “I can’t go yet. I might not go back.” Another pause. “Fucker,” David said, and he was crying.
“What do you think you’ll do?” I stared at my groceries, still in bags on the kitchen counter. I’d gone early that morning.
David exhaled. “I want to stay here. I rented a house down at Cold Springs, on the lake. I’m going down tomorrow afternoon.”
“Cold Springs?”
“It’s the place John and Dorothy first met.”
“It is?”
“Yes.”
“Give me the number there.”
He did and we hung up, and I went to the kitchen and poured myself another drink.
Two days later David and I stepped up the stairs onto the faded red porch of the house where John and Dorothy met on vacation when we were sixteen.
There’s a picture in Ben’s parents’ house that I have memorized. It’s the four of us—Ben, John, David, me—dressed and ready for our first day of kindergarten. Ben, even then so small, stares earnestly at the camera. David fiddles with his backpack; I reach over and try to make him pay attention to the picture being taken. John, hands in his pockets, looks to the side. His face is upturned, beaming. According to his mother, when the adults said “Smile!” that was John’s response. He is looking at her, at his mother, smiling in his fierce, honest way. We used to laugh at that reaction, his intense happiness.
When people ask me what John was like, I tell them about that twenty-year-old picture.
Starting the next summer, when we were seven, our parents made a tradition of the summer trip to the lake houses in Cold Springs. The faded red house, the faded yellow one to its right, and the two white houses across the street—these were our castles, our playgrounds, our dream lands. A week there every summer seemed to last an hour; we were giddy. Even as we reached adolescence, our weeks at Cold Springs were always brighter, livelier, fuller, more real.
Then a few weeks before we were going to Cold Springs, when we were all 16, Ben’s cousins came to live with his family. His aunt and uncle had some kind of problems. Those cousins—Dorothy, and her very frightening sister Susan—came to Cold Springs with the Bransons, and slept in Ben’s room. Ben slept with me.
Dorothy hated us, and she was beautiful enough to get away with it. She was probably beautiful enough to kill one or two of us, and I guess she considered it. We gave her reason to; we were as horrible as 16-year-olds get. I think she despised life on both Monday and Tuesday of that week.
In the mornings, she read, sitting on the shore of the lake. When our staring and sad attempts at conversation bothered her enough, she locked herself in Ben’s parents’ room, and talked to her friends on the phone. She ate dinner alone in her room, and all evening sat in the corner frowning. She went to bed early just to avoid us.
By Wednesday I think that Dorothy decided she was tired of being bored, and wanted something to do. She never admitted this, but I believe it. I once asked her, one night, when John wasn’t around, and she smiled and said, things certainly got more interesting after that day, didn’t they. Then she walked out of the kitchen and I watched her walk until the door closed behind her.
That Wednesday morning Ben, David, John and I were going swimming. We walked past the chair where Dorothy would sit and read her book. After twenty minutes she appeared and watched us in the water. She said her cousin’s name, and Ben went to her, then came back. “John,” he said, “your parents want to see you at the house.” So John went to Dorothy, and the two of them went to the faded red house, and we did not see them until dinner, when John pulled out a chair for her and she smiled a staggering smile at him.
By Friday John had returned to us, and Dorothy joined us. I think Ben hated the idea of it, for just a while, but soon enough we could hardly remember how it was before. In the following years there would be additions and subtractions—girlfriends, wives for Ben and me, coworkers, other friends—but none of them ever fit like Dorothy.
Now David stopped looking at me and turned back to the dog, still whining behind the back door. He tried to open the back door with his hands full, and I shook my head.
“Fine. Fine. Take it somewhere besides the back door so he doesn’t come scratching all the time. I don’t give a shit.” I put my hands in my pockets because they were shaking, and I turned and looked at the refrigerator, and I heard David pull the door open and walk back toward the woods with the dog still yipping away, and him still talking to it.
When I came back in the living room, Ben was talking to me. “Walk time,” I said.
“Want company?” He lowered his fork.
“I don’t think so. I like the time alone.”
“Where do you go?” Jesus, Ben. I was almost out the door.
“Just wander, I guess. Sometimes down to the lake. Be back in a while,” and I went out.
I crossed the street to the white house with the green shutters, where my family had stayed; the one with the shed in the back that we used to climb into through broken slats in the back corner and hide among the rusted lawn care equipment and play cards. From the shed you couldn’t even see the street.
I walked around to the back corner and pushed the slats aside. There was still about a third of the bottle left.
I had gotten a phone call from Dorothy’s mother, now divorced from her father, to tell me about the accident. It was the end of November and the third day in a row of something falling: rain, sleet, hail, snow. I was at home with the TV on; it was a Wednesday night. Dorothy’s mother, a heavy and even-tempered woman named Dawn, called, and she was sobbing and hysterical and before she finished a sentence I was on my feet, and sweating, and I knew what must have happened. She was at the hospital, she said, there was an accident. John and Dorothy had been driving home from visiting her sister and there was an accident on the highway.
“Where are they now?”
Dawn was crying hard, her breath ragged, and she didn’t say anything. I could hear some voices near her. I was looking out my window.
“Are they both in the hospital? Where is it?” My hands were clenched.
Her breath was coming in long harsh jags that tore at her lungs. She started to speak.
“No, Andy—” Her breath caught again. “It was bad. They didn’t—” Dawn went silent, and then came back. Her breath trembled but her voice was more steady. “They didn’t make it. The doctors couldn’t help them.” She started crying again, harder now, and I hung up the phone and looked out the window at my building’s parking lot and the rain-covered street that shone with reflected light.
The streetlight was blinding; I was in front of the white house my family used to rent and the light was very bright. I was on the sidewalk, and I was planning on crossing the street. “Too much,” I said. I quit crossing the street and sat down in the front yard of the white house. There was a plane overhead and its blinking lights looked like alien ships laughing.
I’d drank the open bottle and finished it, and felt good. My hands were relaxed and my mind was clear, and then I saw the second bottle of the cheapest whiskey I could find and I had opened it and drank until it was a fire inside me. Now I was not going to get across the street; it looked like a long walk and anyway Ben and David would know. I had wanted to come back from the walk calm and settled, not off balance, not loud. I looked down and found the bottle still sitting between my legs. “Oh,” I said, and I got up to take it back to the shed.
After I put the slats back in place I felt something and I looked up, and there was the dog looking at me in the darkness. I knelt down and he walked over to me, tongue dangling.
The empty bottle was still next to my foot and I picked it up and hit the dog with it. It hit the dog near his eye and he screamed out and cowered down, and I was on him. I pulled him down and we both fell, and I had the bottle and I hit him again. He made noises like crying, and I pushed him onto his side on the grass and I kept hitting him with the bottle, hit him until his eyes turned from black to black, hit him until he wouldn’t keep moving any more.
---
I guess the formatting might be fucked up, I don't know. Let me know what you think of it.
Teresa and I moved last week. We're way closer to the train and to her school now, and the place is nice. No more Chinese or grocery store in walking distance, though. :( Actually wait there's a long line of things up on Evans a couple blocks away, I just don't know what because I'm a shut-in. We've been unpacking and cleaning shit and I have been going back and cleaning the old place the past week. I've also been writing song lyrics and sending them to Brad. But that's another post.
Okay here's the story. I hope you like it. ???
---
Stray
We noticed the scratching during dinner. David heard it first, and looked around, and lowered his fork; and Ben and I stood up and went to the back door. There was a dog there, brown and black with a stubby tail, and he was scratching insistently at the back door, and whining sometimes. Ben stopped, because he hates strangers and dogs, and this was a strange dog. I walked to the screen door and told the dog to go away. He had yellow eyes and he stared through the screen at Ben, and me, and whined.
“Get fucking lost.”
“Where did he come from?”
“Got to be a stray,” I said. “Pretty fucking skinny.”
The dog kept scratching and David appeared in the doorway, and I knew that he’d be getting fed and probably put up in the garage, or maybe at the foot of David’s bed. The garage is too cold in January, David would say.
“Fuck off,” I told the dog.
David crossed the kitchen and looked down at the dog. Ben still hovered near the doorway to the living room, and the dog wagged its short tail and scratched at the screen door.
“Well, hello,” David said to the dog. He crouched and peered through the screen. It was evening, and dark. Behind the dog the trees shifted in the wind.
“Whatcha say, buddy?” David said in a playful voice. “Huh? You hungry?” Ben quietly backed into the living room. David, still holding his fork, went to the fridge, muttering to the dog.
“You hungry, little guy? Look at your sad little face! I bet you’re really hungry, aren’t you?” David searched through the fridge and came out with a box of leftover fried chicken and potatoes.
“Here we go, my man. Here we go, buddy boy. You stay put just a second, you’ll be eating like a king.” He crossed to the cupboard and took out a bowl, and he carried it to the sink, still talking. The dog scratched and whined.
“Can’t eat something this salty without some water, amigo. You don’t have a collar, huh? You a stray? You probably don’t get—”
“David,” I said. He stopped talking. “Don’t feed that fucking thing. It’s going to come back every day and it’s fucking annoying, and probably diseased.”
David stood in the middle of the kitchen, leftovers in one hand and water in the other. His fork poked out of his shirt pocket. He looked at me.
For the past month none of us had spoken like that. Not to each other and not, to my knowledge, at all. A month ago we moved into the lake house south of the city, and since then we had been agreeable, and now I could see in David’s face the things we had thought, and hadn’t said.
David had suggested the lake house to me in a phone call a week after John and Dorothy’s funerals. I was sitting at home in Denver, and David was still at his parents’ in Littleton, near the city, where he was staying for the funerals. He called in the morning, while I was reading the newspaper.
“Hello?”
“Andy, I’m, uh, don’t think I’m going back to work. Not yet.” He was stuttering.
“David? What? Are you still in Colorado?”
“Yeah, and I missed the flight to L.A. today. It was this morning, I missed it. It’s leaving now.”
“Ah, shit. When can you leave?”
“No, well, no, I don’t know when.” His voice was faint. “I really don’t know when I will go back.”
“Did you call the sisters?” David worked at an advertising firm run by two tiny and hilarious sisters whose names were Penelope and Celeste.
“No, man. I’m just—” He took a long breath. “I can’t go yet. I might not go back.” Another pause. “Fucker,” David said, and he was crying.
“What do you think you’ll do?” I stared at my groceries, still in bags on the kitchen counter. I’d gone early that morning.
David exhaled. “I want to stay here. I rented a house down at Cold Springs, on the lake. I’m going down tomorrow afternoon.”
“Cold Springs?”
“It’s the place John and Dorothy first met.”
“It is?”
“Yes.”
“Give me the number there.”
He did and we hung up, and I went to the kitchen and poured myself another drink.
Two days later David and I stepped up the stairs onto the faded red porch of the house where John and Dorothy met on vacation when we were sixteen.
There’s a picture in Ben’s parents’ house that I have memorized. It’s the four of us—Ben, John, David, me—dressed and ready for our first day of kindergarten. Ben, even then so small, stares earnestly at the camera. David fiddles with his backpack; I reach over and try to make him pay attention to the picture being taken. John, hands in his pockets, looks to the side. His face is upturned, beaming. According to his mother, when the adults said “Smile!” that was John’s response. He is looking at her, at his mother, smiling in his fierce, honest way. We used to laugh at that reaction, his intense happiness.
When people ask me what John was like, I tell them about that twenty-year-old picture.
Starting the next summer, when we were seven, our parents made a tradition of the summer trip to the lake houses in Cold Springs. The faded red house, the faded yellow one to its right, and the two white houses across the street—these were our castles, our playgrounds, our dream lands. A week there every summer seemed to last an hour; we were giddy. Even as we reached adolescence, our weeks at Cold Springs were always brighter, livelier, fuller, more real.
Then a few weeks before we were going to Cold Springs, when we were all 16, Ben’s cousins came to live with his family. His aunt and uncle had some kind of problems. Those cousins—Dorothy, and her very frightening sister Susan—came to Cold Springs with the Bransons, and slept in Ben’s room. Ben slept with me.
Dorothy hated us, and she was beautiful enough to get away with it. She was probably beautiful enough to kill one or two of us, and I guess she considered it. We gave her reason to; we were as horrible as 16-year-olds get. I think she despised life on both Monday and Tuesday of that week.
In the mornings, she read, sitting on the shore of the lake. When our staring and sad attempts at conversation bothered her enough, she locked herself in Ben’s parents’ room, and talked to her friends on the phone. She ate dinner alone in her room, and all evening sat in the corner frowning. She went to bed early just to avoid us.
By Wednesday I think that Dorothy decided she was tired of being bored, and wanted something to do. She never admitted this, but I believe it. I once asked her, one night, when John wasn’t around, and she smiled and said, things certainly got more interesting after that day, didn’t they. Then she walked out of the kitchen and I watched her walk until the door closed behind her.
That Wednesday morning Ben, David, John and I were going swimming. We walked past the chair where Dorothy would sit and read her book. After twenty minutes she appeared and watched us in the water. She said her cousin’s name, and Ben went to her, then came back. “John,” he said, “your parents want to see you at the house.” So John went to Dorothy, and the two of them went to the faded red house, and we did not see them until dinner, when John pulled out a chair for her and she smiled a staggering smile at him.
By Friday John had returned to us, and Dorothy joined us. I think Ben hated the idea of it, for just a while, but soon enough we could hardly remember how it was before. In the following years there would be additions and subtractions—girlfriends, wives for Ben and me, coworkers, other friends—but none of them ever fit like Dorothy.
Now David stopped looking at me and turned back to the dog, still whining behind the back door. He tried to open the back door with his hands full, and I shook my head.
“Fine. Fine. Take it somewhere besides the back door so he doesn’t come scratching all the time. I don’t give a shit.” I put my hands in my pockets because they were shaking, and I turned and looked at the refrigerator, and I heard David pull the door open and walk back toward the woods with the dog still yipping away, and him still talking to it.
When I came back in the living room, Ben was talking to me. “Walk time,” I said.
“Want company?” He lowered his fork.
“I don’t think so. I like the time alone.”
“Where do you go?” Jesus, Ben. I was almost out the door.
“Just wander, I guess. Sometimes down to the lake. Be back in a while,” and I went out.
I crossed the street to the white house with the green shutters, where my family had stayed; the one with the shed in the back that we used to climb into through broken slats in the back corner and hide among the rusted lawn care equipment and play cards. From the shed you couldn’t even see the street.
I walked around to the back corner and pushed the slats aside. There was still about a third of the bottle left.
I had gotten a phone call from Dorothy’s mother, now divorced from her father, to tell me about the accident. It was the end of November and the third day in a row of something falling: rain, sleet, hail, snow. I was at home with the TV on; it was a Wednesday night. Dorothy’s mother, a heavy and even-tempered woman named Dawn, called, and she was sobbing and hysterical and before she finished a sentence I was on my feet, and sweating, and I knew what must have happened. She was at the hospital, she said, there was an accident. John and Dorothy had been driving home from visiting her sister and there was an accident on the highway.
“Where are they now?”
Dawn was crying hard, her breath ragged, and she didn’t say anything. I could hear some voices near her. I was looking out my window.
“Are they both in the hospital? Where is it?” My hands were clenched.
Her breath was coming in long harsh jags that tore at her lungs. She started to speak.
“No, Andy—” Her breath caught again. “It was bad. They didn’t—” Dawn went silent, and then came back. Her breath trembled but her voice was more steady. “They didn’t make it. The doctors couldn’t help them.” She started crying again, harder now, and I hung up the phone and looked out the window at my building’s parking lot and the rain-covered street that shone with reflected light.
The streetlight was blinding; I was in front of the white house my family used to rent and the light was very bright. I was on the sidewalk, and I was planning on crossing the street. “Too much,” I said. I quit crossing the street and sat down in the front yard of the white house. There was a plane overhead and its blinking lights looked like alien ships laughing.
I’d drank the open bottle and finished it, and felt good. My hands were relaxed and my mind was clear, and then I saw the second bottle of the cheapest whiskey I could find and I had opened it and drank until it was a fire inside me. Now I was not going to get across the street; it looked like a long walk and anyway Ben and David would know. I had wanted to come back from the walk calm and settled, not off balance, not loud. I looked down and found the bottle still sitting between my legs. “Oh,” I said, and I got up to take it back to the shed.
After I put the slats back in place I felt something and I looked up, and there was the dog looking at me in the darkness. I knelt down and he walked over to me, tongue dangling.
The empty bottle was still next to my foot and I picked it up and hit the dog with it. It hit the dog near his eye and he screamed out and cowered down, and I was on him. I pulled him down and we both fell, and I had the bottle and I hit him again. He made noises like crying, and I pushed him onto his side on the grass and I kept hitting him with the bottle, hit him until his eyes turned from black to black, hit him until he wouldn’t keep moving any more.
---
I guess the formatting might be fucked up, I don't know. Let me know what you think of it.
Monday, June 23, 2008
A lil update!
Brad got me he revisions on my story. It's gonna get so much better when I look at their suggestions. Heck yes. <3 Steve
Gahahaha Patrick Coate rules
I finished my story the other day and sent it off to be read, and Patrick already got back to me with a bunch of revisions. It's pretty impressive. I am going to read through what he thinks and make some changes before I post it here.
Also that review of the Hold Steady album? The album's not coming out for a while so why review it now?? Plus I am lazy.
In other news: there's a new place to be. The Stortis have created a website and forum called nothingbutnothing.com. The link is over in my list of links. It is going to rule, but I can't decide what I want to write a column about. I thought maybe books but the fact is Paul and probably a few other people read more than I do, I think. Maybe teaching? That might get weird. Suggestions welcome.
Teresa's mom is in town to help us move at the end of the week. I'm going to Costco to buy duct tape. I have been sitting around and it's still pretty nice. Well, bye.
Love,
Steve
Also that review of the Hold Steady album? The album's not coming out for a while so why review it now?? Plus I am lazy.
In other news: there's a new place to be. The Stortis have created a website and forum called nothingbutnothing.com. The link is over in my list of links. It is going to rule, but I can't decide what I want to write a column about. I thought maybe books but the fact is Paul and probably a few other people read more than I do, I think. Maybe teaching? That might get weird. Suggestions welcome.
Teresa's mom is in town to help us move at the end of the week. I'm going to Costco to buy duct tape. I have been sitting around and it's still pretty nice. Well, bye.
Love,
Steve
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Tony sent me the new Hold Steady album.
I'm going to review it later. Probably later today. Plus I want to write a new story! I hate the old one. Lots of writing today, I think. And some ironing. I'm like a non-hideous Stephen King.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Oh crap! A song by 65daysofstatic that I like!
That's worth blogging about!
Tony recommended 65daysofstatic a long time ago, and I think I have two of their albums. It's instrumental, kind of metal, definitely not jam band music or anything like that. A little bit of math rock. I thought it was too jerky and arrhythmic. But eventually Winamp on shuffle led me to "This Cat is a Landmine," a song as good as its title. I'd recommend it on free.napster.com if you have the time. Although I'm not even sure it's on there. It's a good song. Thanks, Tony!
Also, I think "That's worth blogging about!" will be my new catchphrase. If only...I talked to other people...
Love,
Steve
Tony recommended 65daysofstatic a long time ago, and I think I have two of their albums. It's instrumental, kind of metal, definitely not jam band music or anything like that. A little bit of math rock. I thought it was too jerky and arrhythmic. But eventually Winamp on shuffle led me to "This Cat is a Landmine," a song as good as its title. I'd recommend it on free.napster.com if you have the time. Although I'm not even sure it's on there. It's a good song. Thanks, Tony!
Also, I think "That's worth blogging about!" will be my new catchphrase. If only...I talked to other people...
Love,
Steve
Saturday, June 07, 2008
Okay no story yet.
It didn't go as quickly as I thought. Right around 3 AM I started thinking it was a huge piece of shit, actually. I'm going to send it to my mentor Patrick Coate and see what he thinks. After I finish it. Which will probably be tonight. I hope.
Anyway I have a cool new project for this blog, thanks to Joseph. He bought me a gift subscription to Netflix, which fucking rules because I have nothing to do these days. I'm gonna watch hella movies, and write reviews here! Except I have no idea what to watch. I get so many suggestions I can't remember them all. So please, leave a comment and tell me what movies to put in my lil queue.
Thanks!
Love,
Steve
Anyway I have a cool new project for this blog, thanks to Joseph. He bought me a gift subscription to Netflix, which fucking rules because I have nothing to do these days. I'm gonna watch hella movies, and write reviews here! Except I have no idea what to watch. I get so many suggestions I can't remember them all. So please, leave a comment and tell me what movies to put in my lil queue.
Thanks!
Love,
Steve
Friday, June 06, 2008
Story time! Pretty soon.
I picked up a story that I started a while ago, maybe three months ago, and I've been working on it a lot today. It's coming along. I'll probably put it up tonight.
Hahahaha yeah I don't really revise. Or I guess I do, but I'll revise a sentence until I like it, then a paragraph until I like that. Then I won't go look at them again. So the story, or a draft of it, will be up very soon.
In the meantime, here's a video. I have to admit I quit watching at the 2:30 mark. I won't tell you the overwhelming emotion I was feeling; it might be fun for you to guess.
Love,
Steve
Hahahaha yeah I don't really revise. Or I guess I do, but I'll revise a sentence until I like it, then a paragraph until I like that. Then I won't go look at them again. So the story, or a draft of it, will be up very soon.
In the meantime, here's a video. I have to admit I quit watching at the 2:30 mark. I won't tell you the overwhelming emotion I was feeling; it might be fun for you to guess.
Love,
Steve
Thursday, June 05, 2008
Hahaha I have nothing to do all day!
Here's another noir story. These are kind of fun to write! Go visit the other blog too.
-----
I woke up and it was dark. Finally, death.
Turns out it was worse. Life. Well fuck.
I got up for some reason. I could hear the boys down the hall. They were already a few drinks in and halfway through their favorite flick, a little number about the Oriental invasion. They'd been drinking. So had I. Of course I had. You would too.
I walked down the hall. That's what people are supposed to do, I guess. Fine.
The boys were talking about some dame one of them had been around with. Not much fun to talk to, but a lot of fun to look at. Good for the bone, the boys said. I wouldn't know.
There was a noise in the alley. A man vomiting. I smiled. Awesome. One of the boys said he had had too much. Maybe...maybe he hadn't had enough. I didn't even know any more. I said something that people find acceptable. The man called Beard kept making jokes. I fucking hate jokes.
"YOU LEAVE STEVE WEISHAMPEL ALONE," I told him. The boys laughed. Motherfuckers. They would all bleed one day.
I looked at the one called Beard. His face was hideous to me. He showed me a picture of animals. "Friends forever," it said. I grimaced. Life is unbearable. Before I went back to bed--forever, if there is a God--I told him my mantra. Nothing, but nothing.
-----
Love,
Steve
-----
I woke up and it was dark. Finally, death.
Turns out it was worse. Life. Well fuck.
I got up for some reason. I could hear the boys down the hall. They were already a few drinks in and halfway through their favorite flick, a little number about the Oriental invasion. They'd been drinking. So had I. Of course I had. You would too.
I walked down the hall. That's what people are supposed to do, I guess. Fine.
The boys were talking about some dame one of them had been around with. Not much fun to talk to, but a lot of fun to look at. Good for the bone, the boys said. I wouldn't know.
There was a noise in the alley. A man vomiting. I smiled. Awesome. One of the boys said he had had too much. Maybe...maybe he hadn't had enough. I didn't even know any more. I said something that people find acceptable. The man called Beard kept making jokes. I fucking hate jokes.
"YOU LEAVE STEVE WEISHAMPEL ALONE," I told him. The boys laughed. Motherfuckers. They would all bleed one day.
I looked at the one called Beard. His face was hideous to me. He showed me a picture of animals. "Friends forever," it said. I grimaced. Life is unbearable. Before I went back to bed--forever, if there is a God--I told him my mantra. Nothing, but nothing.
-----
Love,
Steve
I started a second blog!
Who knows how this will go. It's called "The Cowboy Scene" and it's located at thecowboyscene.blogspot.com. Like that one song! Hope you like it. If you want to be invited to contribute, just let me know. If you have a better suggestion for a name, let me know that too.
Later! *vaults majestically onto moped*
Later! *vaults majestically onto moped*
Barack. Hussein. Obama.
He the candidate. He runnin.
I have nothing to do this summer. No job. So I got out the flash drive and moved all my old files from my old Tangent to my new computer. I'm going to have another look at some of the stories from my undergrad classes! Why, I don't know. It might be fun? Maybe? At least it'll give me something to do. I'll probably post them on the blog eventually! Maybe sometime soon. Lots of time on my hands.
I got some pants in the mail. Highlight of the freaking day. They fit pretty nice, actually. They're for teaching. Gotta wear something besides jeans I think. I also got a shirt I didn't try on. It looks okay. I'm gonna be all dressed up like either A. a real person or B. a stupid schoolboy. Not sure yet. Vamos a ver.
Oh something else! In the Documents folder on my old computer was a bunch of Flyer News opinion articles. I might post those here too. I figure Flyer News is free online so there ain't no copyright thang. Question is whether anyone wants to read them again. They aren't really that good.
Okay tomorrow: at least one little story about Chicago. Washing dishes. Working on an old story. Gonna be a fun day. I've been obsessed with the song "Game Theory" by The Roots recently, mostly because of the line "I'm from Illadel, the land where the killas dwell," which is a line I love very much. I even thought of my own equivalent. I'm from Akron, the land where the jobs is gone. That's right. Truth hurts.
Okay PEACE see you tomorrow.
Love,
Steve
I have nothing to do this summer. No job. So I got out the flash drive and moved all my old files from my old Tangent to my new computer. I'm going to have another look at some of the stories from my undergrad classes! Why, I don't know. It might be fun? Maybe? At least it'll give me something to do. I'll probably post them on the blog eventually! Maybe sometime soon. Lots of time on my hands.
I got some pants in the mail. Highlight of the freaking day. They fit pretty nice, actually. They're for teaching. Gotta wear something besides jeans I think. I also got a shirt I didn't try on. It looks okay. I'm gonna be all dressed up like either A. a real person or B. a stupid schoolboy. Not sure yet. Vamos a ver.
Oh something else! In the Documents folder on my old computer was a bunch of Flyer News opinion articles. I might post those here too. I figure Flyer News is free online so there ain't no copyright thang. Question is whether anyone wants to read them again. They aren't really that good.
Okay tomorrow: at least one little story about Chicago. Washing dishes. Working on an old story. Gonna be a fun day. I've been obsessed with the song "Game Theory" by The Roots recently, mostly because of the line "I'm from Illadel, the land where the killas dwell," which is a line I love very much. I even thought of my own equivalent. I'm from Akron, the land where the jobs is gone. That's right. Truth hurts.
Okay PEACE see you tomorrow.
Love,
Steve
Tuesday, June 03, 2008
Can't sleep. Noice.
Three AM. Not going to bed. Posting something on the Internet.
I got an email from Jason Kramb the other day. Him, he still in Africa. It sounds...well...
hey steve,
i finally saw your harassment on my face book page. how dare you write on my wall. things are ok here. the internet has been out a lot and when it is working its gotten more expensive, so I have cut down on my usage. Stupid africa and its lack of widely available high speed internet. But other than the internet things have been going ok. Our first semester just ended so now starts our 'winter' break (stupid southern hemisphere too). The kids tend to not understand physics or math, but there are few that are pretty nice. Once I found the keys to the labratory, which took about 4 months, and started letting them play with stuff in there they seemed to like physics a lot more. I don't really think they are actually learning much by playing in the lab, and they keep stealing stuff, but at least I don't have to lecture in front of 40 kids who don't want to listen :) That's mostly all thats been going on here. People are still impressed by my white skin. I am very slowly learning more swahili (though people are very bad at the whole speaking slowly and slimply concept). It's hot.
So whats up there? Still in school like a loser? Obviously you have turned into a facebook whore but that is what happens when I leave I guess. What's up with your facebook picture by the way? Why are you in a suit? What are you gonna do when you finish grad school? I'll come visit.
Well here ends my rushed email that I will refuse to reread for mistakes because I know there will be some that I miss anyway (and there are approximately 90 seconds left to finish and send this). Hope all is well in the US of A.
jason
The bold is mine. My favorite parts. So he's doing pretty good. No diseases, no bullet holes.
I saw lots of people in Chicago. They're all doing good I'm guessing. Seemed like it.
I have this idea for a blog where a bunch of us are registered to make posts. Maybe me, Teresa, Aaron, Beard, Tony, Mikey. I'd really want Patrick Coate. Really I'm not picky. Lots of people. It might be cool. It might be terrible. I also can't think of a name for it. ??? And no, "???" is not accepted as a blog address.
Holy Freakin Crap the song "Summerland" by Everclear just came on and it's taking me back about ten years. What a good song, golly. I like it.
I'm hoping a funny little story comes to me, but I don't think it will. 3:40 at this point. Creativity kinda drops at some point.
Tell me what you think about the blog idea!
Love,
Steve
I got an email from Jason Kramb the other day. Him, he still in Africa. It sounds...well...
hey steve,
i finally saw your harassment on my face book page. how dare you write on my wall. things are ok here. the internet has been out a lot and when it is working its gotten more expensive, so I have cut down on my usage. Stupid africa and its lack of widely available high speed internet. But other than the internet things have been going ok. Our first semester just ended so now starts our 'winter' break (stupid southern hemisphere too). The kids tend to not understand physics or math, but there are few that are pretty nice. Once I found the keys to the labratory, which took about 4 months, and started letting them play with stuff in there they seemed to like physics a lot more. I don't really think they are actually learning much by playing in the lab, and they keep stealing stuff, but at least I don't have to lecture in front of 40 kids who don't want to listen :) That's mostly all thats been going on here. People are still impressed by my white skin. I am very slowly learning more swahili (though people are very bad at the whole speaking slowly and slimply concept). It's hot.
So whats up there? Still in school like a loser? Obviously you have turned into a facebook whore but that is what happens when I leave I guess. What's up with your facebook picture by the way? Why are you in a suit? What are you gonna do when you finish grad school? I'll come visit.
Well here ends my rushed email that I will refuse to reread for mistakes because I know there will be some that I miss anyway (and there are approximately 90 seconds left to finish and send this). Hope all is well in the US of A.
jason
The bold is mine. My favorite parts. So he's doing pretty good. No diseases, no bullet holes.
I saw lots of people in Chicago. They're all doing good I'm guessing. Seemed like it.
I have this idea for a blog where a bunch of us are registered to make posts. Maybe me, Teresa, Aaron, Beard, Tony, Mikey. I'd really want Patrick Coate. Really I'm not picky. Lots of people. It might be cool. It might be terrible. I also can't think of a name for it. ??? And no, "???" is not accepted as a blog address.
Holy Freakin Crap the song "Summerland" by Everclear just came on and it's taking me back about ten years. What a good song, golly. I like it.
I'm hoping a funny little story comes to me, but I don't think it will. 3:40 at this point. Creativity kinda drops at some point.
Tell me what you think about the blog idea!
Love,
Steve
Monday, June 02, 2008
I'm back in Denver.
The two-week vacation is over. Saw Brad's wedding, saw Joe, saw DaYtOn CrEw!!!!, it was fun. Now? Heh.
I don't have a job for this summer. I might not get one. I'm leaning very much toward not getting one. Teresa and I are moving this July and I will be organizing and packing shit. Plus if I find somewhere that's close to this apartment, it won't be very close to that one. And I don't have a car. And, lastly, I like the idea of not working? So Fuck! You! Establishment!
Denver is hot but it feels nice. I have to unpack and shit...and I'll totally do that tomorrow...but I wanna go outside and wander around a little bit. Tomorrow I'll go walk in the park! No wait it's hot. But I will consider it.
I wanna write another story soon, but I'm not feeling it right now. Joe's birthday must be documented. And I will not do that. I'll fictionalize the hell out of it, but whatev.
For now, I will just share a new favorite website with ya'll. Seeqpod lets you search for a song and listen to mp3s on the Internet! Who knows if it's legal. You can stream mp3s and even search YouTube videos! But don't. YouTube is awful.
Okay PEACE!
Love,
Steve
I don't have a job for this summer. I might not get one. I'm leaning very much toward not getting one. Teresa and I are moving this July and I will be organizing and packing shit. Plus if I find somewhere that's close to this apartment, it won't be very close to that one. And I don't have a car. And, lastly, I like the idea of not working? So Fuck! You! Establishment!
Denver is hot but it feels nice. I have to unpack and shit...and I'll totally do that tomorrow...but I wanna go outside and wander around a little bit. Tomorrow I'll go walk in the park! No wait it's hot. But I will consider it.
I wanna write another story soon, but I'm not feeling it right now. Joe's birthday must be documented. And I will not do that. I'll fictionalize the hell out of it, but whatev.
For now, I will just share a new favorite website with ya'll. Seeqpod lets you search for a song and listen to mp3s on the Internet! Who knows if it's legal. You can stream mp3s and even search YouTube videos! But don't. YouTube is awful.
Okay PEACE!
Love,
Steve
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Joe's party is tonight
Storti's house. I think...it will....be fun. I'm gonna write a review of The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao pretty soon. It was a good book, and I liked reading it! That's a preview of the review I'munna write.
Later! *revs moped, runs out of gas, pedals moped*
Later! *revs moped, runs out of gas, pedals moped*
Aren't you even gonna kiss her goodbye?
No.
Yesterday we watched "Big Trouble in Little China," a mid-eighties supernatural action film starring Kurt Russell as our intrepid hero, Jack Burton.
In San Francisco with his sixteen-wheeler, Burton meets up with his old friend, man-child Wang, and after witnessing the finest dance-fighting San Francisco has to offer, they get tied up in mad hijinks involving lots of sewers and large, large hats. Wang's bride has been kidnapped, and only Jack Burton can get her back! Kim Catrall costars. Yes, seriously.
"Big Trouble" is a cult favorite among the people who live at 909 Dakin Street. Pretty much anything that comes out of Jack Burton's mouth (I no longer think of him as Kurt Russell at all) is bound to get repeated a few times. Because he's a genius.
I'd like to write a serious review of the movie like I don't get the joke, but I do get the joke. The whole movie is meant to be humorous. I think. Take this example: Jack Burton and Wang are standing in a elevator, and it starts filling with water. Burton: "What??? What is this??" It's water, Jack. Water.
I kinda thought I would hate this movie. I hate most things Tony Storti likes, and I hate Kurt Russell. But Tony was right this time, and like I said, Kurt Russell died and Jack Burton took his place. I recommend this movie wholeheartedly to anyone who likes jokes. Do you like jokes?
Positives: To the army and navy, and the battles they've won,
Negatives: To the colors of America, the colors that never run.
Grade: May the wings of freedom never lose a feather.
No actually that's a toast that takes place in the movie. Why? Heh.
Grade: A. Watch it with someone with a sense of humor. You will love it.
Yesterday we watched "Big Trouble in Little China," a mid-eighties supernatural action film starring Kurt Russell as our intrepid hero, Jack Burton.
In San Francisco with his sixteen-wheeler, Burton meets up with his old friend, man-child Wang, and after witnessing the finest dance-fighting San Francisco has to offer, they get tied up in mad hijinks involving lots of sewers and large, large hats. Wang's bride has been kidnapped, and only Jack Burton can get her back! Kim Catrall costars. Yes, seriously.
"Big Trouble" is a cult favorite among the people who live at 909 Dakin Street. Pretty much anything that comes out of Jack Burton's mouth (I no longer think of him as Kurt Russell at all) is bound to get repeated a few times. Because he's a genius.
I'd like to write a serious review of the movie like I don't get the joke, but I do get the joke. The whole movie is meant to be humorous. I think. Take this example: Jack Burton and Wang are standing in a elevator, and it starts filling with water. Burton: "What??? What is this??" It's water, Jack. Water.
I kinda thought I would hate this movie. I hate most things Tony Storti likes, and I hate Kurt Russell. But Tony was right this time, and like I said, Kurt Russell died and Jack Burton took his place. I recommend this movie wholeheartedly to anyone who likes jokes. Do you like jokes?
Positives: To the army and navy, and the battles they've won,
Negatives: To the colors of America, the colors that never run.
Grade: May the wings of freedom never lose a feather.
No actually that's a toast that takes place in the movie. Why? Heh.
Grade: A. Watch it with someone with a sense of humor. You will love it.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
I am in Chicago now.
Chick-ah-go mang. Joe helped me around the el lines. I met Anan and then went to sleep.
Hanging out with Joe means lots of repeated jokes. And usually they're drawn from the strangest shit. Here's my example: he tells me he has two jokes from the movie Silence of the Lambs, that old minefield of comedy, that he likes to repeat. Apparently he and Sarah McCormick developed these at Brian's wedding. 1. Dr. Lecter. Dr. Lecter. Dr. Lecter. and 2. Buffalo Bill (that's Monk's Ted Levine) mock-screaming at the woman in the well. Except she's really screaming, and he sounds like a fat Mike Blocksidge.
Now I have nothing to do all day. Joe's at work, Anan's at work, the Stortis are driving up from Normal later, Beard and Aaron (and Stew?) haven't arrived. That leaves...Mikey. Mikey.
I'm going to write a noir story about Mikey right now.
The smell was awful. Like the bastard didn't know how to clean a plate, let alone an apartment. It wasn't much of an apartment, either. More like a home for ugly stuffed animals.
So what was I doing there? The usual. Some idiot gambles over his head, thinks he can lay low for a while. Thinks he can disappear. You can't lay low from me. You can't disappear from me.
"You can't disappear from me," I called out. No answer. The place reeked, pizza boxes piled in the corner. You couldn't see the floor. I felt bad for the schmuck. But he owed Sad Tony money, and Sad Tony was gonna collect. Me? I'm just the messenger. Bag. They call me Beardo, BJ if ya nasty. Nasty like this guy's apartment. I wanted to get the hell out of there. Dude didn't seem to be home.
I was just leaving a little note in the kitchen when I heard the noise. I'd already smashed a couple windows and figured it was ringing in my ears when I heard it again. A tiny, gay whisper: "Bomb down."
"Is that you, singer man?" I reached for my piece, made especially for me by a GUNSMITH.
Before I can blink, the bum is on top of me. There's this huge flash like he threw the sun at me, then he's standing there, pointing some kind of big bazooka my way. I barely had time to get scared. Cat was on me like he'd practiced it for years.
"You son of a--"
He pursed his lips. For a second I thought I was getting offed by Marilyn Monroe. As he pulled the trigger he nodded a little. "Headshot."
Hanging out with Joe means lots of repeated jokes. And usually they're drawn from the strangest shit. Here's my example: he tells me he has two jokes from the movie Silence of the Lambs, that old minefield of comedy, that he likes to repeat. Apparently he and Sarah McCormick developed these at Brian's wedding. 1. Dr. Lecter. Dr. Lecter. Dr. Lecter. and 2. Buffalo Bill (that's Monk's Ted Levine) mock-screaming at the woman in the well. Except she's really screaming, and he sounds like a fat Mike Blocksidge.
Now I have nothing to do all day. Joe's at work, Anan's at work, the Stortis are driving up from Normal later, Beard and Aaron (and Stew?) haven't arrived. That leaves...Mikey. Mikey.
I'm going to write a noir story about Mikey right now.
The smell was awful. Like the bastard didn't know how to clean a plate, let alone an apartment. It wasn't much of an apartment, either. More like a home for ugly stuffed animals.
So what was I doing there? The usual. Some idiot gambles over his head, thinks he can lay low for a while. Thinks he can disappear. You can't lay low from me. You can't disappear from me.
"You can't disappear from me," I called out. No answer. The place reeked, pizza boxes piled in the corner. You couldn't see the floor. I felt bad for the schmuck. But he owed Sad Tony money, and Sad Tony was gonna collect. Me? I'm just the messenger. Bag. They call me Beardo, BJ if ya nasty. Nasty like this guy's apartment. I wanted to get the hell out of there. Dude didn't seem to be home.
I was just leaving a little note in the kitchen when I heard the noise. I'd already smashed a couple windows and figured it was ringing in my ears when I heard it again. A tiny, gay whisper: "Bomb down."
"Is that you, singer man?" I reached for my piece, made especially for me by a GUNSMITH.
Before I can blink, the bum is on top of me. There's this huge flash like he threw the sun at me, then he's standing there, pointing some kind of big bazooka my way. I barely had time to get scared. Cat was on me like he'd practiced it for years.
"You son of a--"
He pursed his lips. For a second I thought I was getting offed by Marilyn Monroe. As he pulled the trigger he nodded a little. "Headshot."
Monday, May 26, 2008
An entire blog post about my neck and its muscles
My neck. Hurts.
Let's talk about my neck. Definitely not a top-ten body part. Kind of dumb-looking, difficult to shave. Pretty unspectacular. Frankly, I wouldn't miss it much, and I don't care if it knows that. No love lost.
Then last Wednesday. I'm at home, working on finals essays. I want to crack my neck. This is something I do all the time. This is common. I really had no idea my neck objected. But here it is, like the childish, backhanded rat that it is: it sits silently, twisting at my command until, with no warning, it springs its malicious plot, deliberately pulling itself just to spite me. Fucker, it hurt. I was pretty sure I was dying. Don't mind telling you I cried out for mommy as I hit the floor, writhing like Sidney Crosby. The clever little fucker. I couldn't even turn my head right without my neck biting me spitefully. Blindsided like Pearl Harbor (if you believe what you hear in school (Ron Paul for president)).
So now, over a week later, it still gives me shit. At least, often enough to blog about. Freaking ridiculous. Once in a while I turn my head and it pokes at me like a child. A child that sucks.
I have had it up to here. All suggestions for a solution welcome. I've considered coddling it with ice or pressure but we don't negotiate with terrorists.
God bless!
Love,
Steve
Let's talk about my neck. Definitely not a top-ten body part. Kind of dumb-looking, difficult to shave. Pretty unspectacular. Frankly, I wouldn't miss it much, and I don't care if it knows that. No love lost.
Then last Wednesday. I'm at home, working on finals essays. I want to crack my neck. This is something I do all the time. This is common. I really had no idea my neck objected. But here it is, like the childish, backhanded rat that it is: it sits silently, twisting at my command until, with no warning, it springs its malicious plot, deliberately pulling itself just to spite me. Fucker, it hurt. I was pretty sure I was dying. Don't mind telling you I cried out for mommy as I hit the floor, writhing like Sidney Crosby. The clever little fucker. I couldn't even turn my head right without my neck biting me spitefully. Blindsided like Pearl Harbor (if you believe what you hear in school (Ron Paul for president)).
So now, over a week later, it still gives me shit. At least, often enough to blog about. Freaking ridiculous. Once in a while I turn my head and it pokes at me like a child. A child that sucks.
I have had it up to here. All suggestions for a solution welcome. I've considered coddling it with ice or pressure but we don't negotiate with terrorists.
God bless!
Love,
Steve
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Gonna live again.
Yeah thass right. Gonna post again. Summer coming up. Got more time. Gonna be postin.
I have an idea for the blog that might be...revolutionary. We shall see. You know what I say...???
The news now is this. Brad got married! It was yesterday. It ruled! Brad is now married. He and Kady seemed happy about it. I was in the thing and I gave him the ring during the ceremony which makes me the "Best Man" but who didn't know that already. It was a good time...no...IT WAS A GREAT TIME.
I'm goin to Chicago this coming week. Joe, Tony, Paul, Aaron, Beard, Stew, people I haven't met. I'm gonna try to pronounce it like a Spanish-speaker the whole time. Chick-ah-go. Not the Sh sound white people try to force on us.
Later! *revs moped*
I have an idea for the blog that might be...revolutionary. We shall see. You know what I say...???
The news now is this. Brad got married! It was yesterday. It ruled! Brad is now married. He and Kady seemed happy about it. I was in the thing and I gave him the ring during the ceremony which makes me the "Best Man" but who didn't know that already. It was a good time...no...IT WAS A GREAT TIME.
I'm goin to Chicago this coming week. Joe, Tony, Paul, Aaron, Beard, Stew, people I haven't met. I'm gonna try to pronounce it like a Spanish-speaker the whole time. Chick-ah-go. Not the Sh sound white people try to force on us.
Later! *revs moped*
Monday, March 10, 2008
A chatlog.
I was on the computer today and Jason Kramb was on Gmail chat. Here it is! I color-coded it because otherwise chatlogs are stupid.
me: hi jason!!!
Jason: hey!
me: what's going on?
Jason: you are late! ionly got 5 minutes left!
me: poop
Jason: nothing really
its hot here
whats up there?
me: not hot
just class, nothing great
Jason: yeah kinda the same here
me: how many students do you have?
Jason: i see like 450 or something durning a week
theres 650 in the school
but who knows how many actually show up on a given day cause i don't see anyone keeping track
me: hahaha
that's pretty big, though
i thought this was going to be a tiny town
Jason: i thought so too, but its a big truckin town
lots kids
lots a hiv i hear
good times
me: fffffuck
Jason: yeah
but the people are generally cool
to me at least
cause im white
me: haha nice
white people
white people are the best people
Jason: of course
thats what ive learned from this whole things
but my internet time is up!
i gotta log out
me: poop okay
i'll talk to you later, then
aaron says hello, i'm talking to him online
Jason: yup yup
me: he misses you
Jason: haha cool
tell him i say hi too
me: Aaron: tell him i said hello
and i wish him well
and i miss him
and that i bought descent the board game and it is awesome
Jason: hahaha
cool
alright
laters!
me: later dogg
Sent at 9:32 AM on Monday
So Jason is ballin', nobody should be surprised. Jason is the best.
Valerie sent me a funny website, but I won't tell you what it is! Okay it's http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.wordpress.com/. I think it is hilarious although each essay/post starts out like a student essay.
Take care now.
me: hi jason!!!
Jason: hey!
me: what's going on?
Jason: you are late! ionly got 5 minutes left!
me: poop
Jason: nothing really
its hot here
whats up there?
me: not hot
just class, nothing great
Jason: yeah kinda the same here
me: how many students do you have?
Jason: i see like 450 or something durning a week
theres 650 in the school
but who knows how many actually show up on a given day cause i don't see anyone keeping track
me: hahaha
that's pretty big, though
i thought this was going to be a tiny town
Jason: i thought so too, but its a big truckin town
lots kids
lots a hiv i hear
good times
me: fffffuck
Jason: yeah
but the people are generally cool
to me at least
cause im white
me: haha nice
white people
white people are the best people
Jason: of course
thats what ive learned from this whole things
but my internet time is up!
i gotta log out
me: poop okay
i'll talk to you later, then
aaron says hello, i'm talking to him online
Jason: yup yup
me: he misses you
Jason: haha cool
tell him i say hi too
me: Aaron: tell him i said hello
and i wish him well
and i miss him
and that i bought descent the board game and it is awesome
Jason: hahaha
cool
alright
laters!
me: later dogg
Sent at 9:32 AM on Monday
So Jason is ballin', nobody should be surprised. Jason is the best.
Valerie sent me a funny website, but I won't tell you what it is! Okay it's http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.wordpress.com/. I think it is hilarious although each essay/post starts out like a student essay.
Take care now.
Thursday, March 06, 2008
BLAARRRGGHHHH
I'M A MONSTER RAAAARRHRRRRHDDDDDDHHHHHH
I feel sick. I've got tons of homework. I have nothing to write a blog entry about.
Time to write on the blog!
Today I had class and online tutoring. Online tutoring is hard! I had my first appointment today, and I got tired of typing and it was hard to tell if the student understood me well and I was glad it was a very short paper!
I have a presentation tomorrow in class. It's about teacher response with regard to second-language writing. I should probably read that particular chapter! Today is exclamation point day! ???
Okay, reading time. Take care, everyone! Someone post a funny comment!
???
I feel sick. I've got tons of homework. I have nothing to write a blog entry about.
Time to write on the blog!
Today I had class and online tutoring. Online tutoring is hard! I had my first appointment today, and I got tired of typing and it was hard to tell if the student understood me well and I was glad it was a very short paper!
I have a presentation tomorrow in class. It's about teacher response with regard to second-language writing. I should probably read that particular chapter! Today is exclamation point day! ???
Okay, reading time. Take care, everyone! Someone post a funny comment!
???
Saturday, February 23, 2008
You could be my black Kate Moss tonight
When Beard tells you to update more, you don't question that shit. You do it.
I found this awesome video.
Might need to play it again.
Uhhh buhhh I don't know. I got Medieval 2 Total War, it's pretty fun. I'm writing a paper about the movie Sling Blade, which in my book is a good excuse to end every sentence with "Mmhmm" in a very unsettling manner.
I applied to teach next semester. Did I mention that? WHO CARES IF I DID! I would be teaching one intro to English section. I am excited about it. I'm gonna brainwash some freshman minds.
Oh shit I just remembered something! Google Maps has been updated a lot. Santiago, Chile is now a map, not just a shitty satellite photo. You can see where I lived!
View Larger Map
Right there, on Ana Maria Carrera between Rosa O'Higgins and Jorge VI. If you zoom in one more level you can see better, but no street labels. I think my house was on the northern side of Ana Maria Carrera, one house off the intersection with Rosa O'Higgins. This is exciting.
I tried to find our school, but it was too mixed-in with the rest of the city--it doesn't look like a campus at all. I found some familiar street names, but didn't recognize any buildings.
*~*~MeMoRiEs~*~*
All right somebody comment on this video.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JoJd-fSxPic
I found this awesome video.
Might need to play it again.
Uhhh buhhh I don't know. I got Medieval 2 Total War, it's pretty fun. I'm writing a paper about the movie Sling Blade, which in my book is a good excuse to end every sentence with "Mmhmm" in a very unsettling manner.
I applied to teach next semester. Did I mention that? WHO CARES IF I DID! I would be teaching one intro to English section. I am excited about it. I'm gonna brainwash some freshman minds.
Oh shit I just remembered something! Google Maps has been updated a lot. Santiago, Chile is now a map, not just a shitty satellite photo. You can see where I lived!
View Larger Map
Right there, on Ana Maria Carrera between Rosa O'Higgins and Jorge VI. If you zoom in one more level you can see better, but no street labels. I think my house was on the northern side of Ana Maria Carrera, one house off the intersection with Rosa O'Higgins. This is exciting.
I tried to find our school, but it was too mixed-in with the rest of the city--it doesn't look like a campus at all. I found some familiar street names, but didn't recognize any buildings.
*~*~MeMoRiEs~*~*
All right somebody comment on this video.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JoJd-fSxPic
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
New game???
Hey what up!
I have a new laptop with Vista on it, I'm basically a baller???
Anyway my home page for IE (Firefox is hella dumb) is this wacky Web 2.0 RSS bullshit with like my email, and BBC News, and the weather on it. I don't get it.
But one thing I added to my home page is YouTube feeds. I'm going to play a game now. I call it "comment race."
I set my YouTube feed to "Recently Added" and I get six previews of videos. I will embed one video here from those six with each post, and I will provide a link. The race part is, you my readers have to race to comment on the video! Bonus points for comments in the person's native language.
Ready?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HFZa7-vzE4I
Current comments: 2.
I have a new laptop with Vista on it, I'm basically a baller???
Anyway my home page for IE (Firefox is hella dumb) is this wacky Web 2.0 RSS bullshit with like my email, and BBC News, and the weather on it. I don't get it.
But one thing I added to my home page is YouTube feeds. I'm going to play a game now. I call it "comment race."
I set my YouTube feed to "Recently Added" and I get six previews of videos. I will embed one video here from those six with each post, and I will provide a link. The race part is, you my readers have to race to comment on the video! Bonus points for comments in the person's native language.
Ready?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HFZa7-vzE4I
Current comments: 2.
Friday, February 15, 2008
Hasta manana! *cuts u w/ katana*
Been a while since I rapped atcha, hasn't it? Teresa's mom visited us and then my computer kind of died, so shut up about it.
Mikey bought an acoustic guitar. Noice. He's gonna be the next...uhh...probably the next Frank Sinatra or something.
I want to write reviews of the last two candidates (Clinton and McCain), and of course write a Ron Paul retrospective so we can look back on the ups and downs of his fine campa--...what? Still running? What a fuckup.
But I'm lazy, so I'll do it later. Let's talk about other shit instead.
First up: the Steelers are suckin' the league's dick. Check it: owner Dan Rooney falls in line with NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, and claims the Patriots videotaping the Steelers did not contribute to the Steelers' AFC title game losses in 2001 and 2004. Way to suck up.
More about the Pats: a former Rams player is suing over cheating in the Rams-Pats Super Bowl in 2002. He wants $100 million. He wins! I call it!
Also: Jason sent me a message! Here it is:
hey steve,
apparently bush is coming to tanzania, pretty cool huh? anyway things are ok here, lots of teaching. Hot much going on really though and not enough time on the internet. Oh how I miss the internet! Glad things are going well there,
later,
Jason
I think it might have been sent by an automated service??? He just typed in "tanzania," "bush," maybe his name. What a dick.
Okay somebody read these comments and summarize: http://youtube.com/watch?v=jjXyqcx-mYY
Mikey bought an acoustic guitar. Noice. He's gonna be the next...uhh...probably the next Frank Sinatra or something.
I want to write reviews of the last two candidates (Clinton and McCain), and of course write a Ron Paul retrospective so we can look back on the ups and downs of his fine campa--...what? Still running? What a fuckup.
But I'm lazy, so I'll do it later. Let's talk about other shit instead.
First up: the Steelers are suckin' the league's dick. Check it: owner Dan Rooney falls in line with NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, and claims the Patriots videotaping the Steelers did not contribute to the Steelers' AFC title game losses in 2001 and 2004. Way to suck up.
More about the Pats: a former Rams player is suing over cheating in the Rams-Pats Super Bowl in 2002. He wants $100 million. He wins! I call it!
Also: Jason sent me a message! Here it is:
hey steve,
apparently bush is coming to tanzania, pretty cool huh? anyway things are ok here, lots of teaching. Hot much going on really though and not enough time on the internet. Oh how I miss the internet! Glad things are going well there,
later,
Jason
I think it might have been sent by an automated service??? He just typed in "tanzania," "bush," maybe his name. What a dick.
Okay somebody read these comments and summarize: http://youtube.com/watch?v=jjXyqcx-mYY
Wednesday, February 06, 2008
Things to do when you are bored!
If you're like me, you get bored sometimes. It's natural! It happens.
Here are a few suggestions of things you can do! To alleviate boredom.
You could:
- type the word "please" after a url
- make up band names--then draw logos or sketch the band members!
- interview yourself and submit the transcript to TIME magazine
- make a video of yourself lip-synching your favorite song and post it on youtube.com
- learn a foreign language or two
- ensure you drink 8 glasses of water a day
- write your mother a letter
- shovel the snow or cut the grass (seasonal)
- type things in all caps
- memorize some song lyrics (I highly endorse this!)
- invent something
- plot and execute a robbery
- reminisce
- speak in an accent
- try a new drug
- spraypaint something onto your car (regular spraypaint works fine)
- get a fuckin job maybe???
Here's a video:
Here are a few suggestions of things you can do! To alleviate boredom.
You could:
- type the word "please" after a url
- make up band names--then draw logos or sketch the band members!
- interview yourself and submit the transcript to TIME magazine
- make a video of yourself lip-synching your favorite song and post it on youtube.com
- learn a foreign language or two
- ensure you drink 8 glasses of water a day
- write your mother a letter
- shovel the snow or cut the grass (seasonal)
- type things in all caps
- memorize some song lyrics (I highly endorse this!)
- invent something
- plot and execute a robbery
- reminisce
- speak in an accent
- try a new drug
- spraypaint something onto your car (regular spraypaint works fine)
- get a fuckin job maybe???
Here's a video:
Monday, February 04, 2008
Recent conversations with my friends
That's right! By being my friend you have sacrificed any right to privacy. Up yours!
Please recall all times are Mountain (2 hours behind Eastern).
mikeblocky (2:31:03 AM): r u awake
mikeblocky (2:31:47 AM): gosh dangit i cant sleep!!!!!!!111
Steveo279 (11:37:06 AM): you should drink yourself to sleep
mikeblocky (11:37:36 AM): sounds safe
Steveo279 (11:37:46 AM): tony proved it's safe
Steveo279 (11:37:51 AM): he was fine all senior year
mikeblocky (11:38:20 AM): long term effects
mikeblocky (11:38:25 AM): yet to be determined
Steveo279 (11:38:37 AM): haha
Steveo279 (11:38:43 AM): not important to tony
mikeblocky (11:38:56 AM): live in the moment
[Gmail chat, received while away]
3:03 AM Jason: good thing i wasn't in kenya!
Aww fuck this post would be way better if I saved my conversation with Aaron Gray the other day. Oh well. I have two friends(???)
One more thing: read this awesome thread on the truth and beauty bombs forums. Truth and beauty bombs is a forum made by a few webcomic artists, and I don't visit it, but I happened to stumble upon this thread through a link on Dinosaur Comics. The thread takes Garfield comic strips and removes all of Garfield's dialogue, which transforms Garfield from horribly bad to really pretty funny. Read it.
Please recall all times are Mountain (2 hours behind Eastern).
mikeblocky (2:31:03 AM): r u awake
mikeblocky (2:31:47 AM): gosh dangit i cant sleep!!!!!!!111
Steveo279 (11:37:06 AM): you should drink yourself to sleep
mikeblocky (11:37:36 AM): sounds safe
Steveo279 (11:37:46 AM): tony proved it's safe
Steveo279 (11:37:51 AM): he was fine all senior year
mikeblocky (11:38:20 AM): long term effects
mikeblocky (11:38:25 AM): yet to be determined
Steveo279 (11:38:37 AM): haha
Steveo279 (11:38:43 AM): not important to tony
mikeblocky (11:38:56 AM): live in the moment
[Gmail chat, received while away]
3:03 AM Jason: good thing i wasn't in kenya!
Aww fuck this post would be way better if I saved my conversation with Aaron Gray the other day. Oh well. I have two friends(???)
One more thing: read this awesome thread on the truth and beauty bombs forums. Truth and beauty bombs is a forum made by a few webcomic artists, and I don't visit it, but I happened to stumble upon this thread through a link on Dinosaur Comics. The thread takes Garfield comic strips and removes all of Garfield's dialogue, which transforms Garfield from horribly bad to really pretty funny. Read it.
Sunday, February 03, 2008
Saturday, February 02, 2008
TO: Hispanic high school girl on bus
RE: drawn-on eyebrows
SUBJ: they are horrible
why do you do this? it is so hideous
it's not enough that you are quite overweight and you have applied gloss to your lips with a spackle knife? what do you think this constant look of horror/shock does for you, exactly? i will tell you: it qualifies you as the most unappealing cow on the farm.
cease immediately,
yours,
sw
SUBJ: they are horrible
why do you do this? it is so hideous
it's not enough that you are quite overweight and you have applied gloss to your lips with a spackle knife? what do you think this constant look of horror/shock does for you, exactly? i will tell you: it qualifies you as the most unappealing cow on the farm.
cease immediately,
yours,
sw
Look at this comic strip.
It was in the Onion this week. I have read Wondermark before and I don't remember if I liked it or what, but this one is funny.
Here's the strip. I want those applications.
Speaking of funny stuff, please read this article on SomethingAwful. It came out the morning after the final Democratic debate (the only Obama vs. Hillary debate) and I think it's hilarious. READ IT HERE
Okay later.
Here's the strip. I want those applications.
Speaking of funny stuff, please read this article on SomethingAwful. It came out the morning after the final Democratic debate (the only Obama vs. Hillary debate) and I think it's hilarious. READ IT HERE
Okay later.
Friday, February 01, 2008
The minority candidates: who are they kidding?
Here's part two of my candidate reviews. I might not get these done before the field gets narrower, but these people will probably pop up again, so you might as well learn about them.
By the way, here are my sources on the Huckabee quotes:
http://politicalhumor.about.com/od/mikehuckabee/a/huckabeequotes.htm
http://www.cnn.com/2008/POLITICS/01/17/election08.gop/index.html?iref=newssearch
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Political_positions_of_Mike_Huckabee - Wikipedia, the online encyclopedia???
THE SCORE SO FAR:
Republicans: Huckabee (F), Romney, McCain, Paul.
Democrats: Obama, Clinton, Gravel.
What the fuck: I heard Ralph Nader and NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg are considering.
Up next, I'll do a Democrat. Let's go with Iraq Hussein Osama, junior senator from somewhere flat. Whatcha got, Barack?
NEVER MET JASON KRAMB: "No one is pro-abortion."
TORTURE (I THINK???): "Today we are engaged in a deadly global struggle for those who would intimidate, torture, and murder people for exercising the most basic freedoms. If we are to win this struggle and spread those freedoms, we must keep our own moral compass pointed in a true direction."
WINNING THE RED STATES: "You know, my faith is one that admits some doubt."
GAY MARRIAGE: "I opposed the Defense of Marriage Act in 1996. It should be repealed and I will vote for its repeal on the Senate floor. I will also oppose any proposal to amend the U.S. Constitution to ban gays and lesbians from marrying."
Source: http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/b/barack_obama.html
Here's Wikipedia on his political positions: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Political_positions_of_Barack_Obama. Let's see the highlights:
NUCLEAR POWER: Should be kept "on the table."
BIOFUEL: Supports. Rising corn prices???
HEALTH CARE: Who the hell knows. I watched Obama and Hillary go back and forth on this in the most recent debate, and I think they want everyone covered??? Obama said everyone who wants coverage can get it, but I've heard people say some people wouldn't be covered in his plan. So it's voluntary I guess???
ISRAEL: Likes Israel. Said Ariel Sharon had always been "absolutely important and constructive" in the Israel-Palestine conflict even though Sharon was hard-right early in his political career. Would not cut back on funding for Israel's defense.
IMMIGRATION: Voted for the wall between the U.S. and Mexico. Yes, for. Supports amnesty but thinks immigrants should be required to learn English.
ENVIRONMENT: Pretty protective of the environment, with a heavy emphasis on steppin' off the fossil fuels.
Anyway, you can read all about it. To me, Obama is a moderate-liberal, pretty disappointing in some areas but not bad in the whole.
I'll give Obama a B.
By the way, here are my sources on the Huckabee quotes:
http://politicalhumor.about.com/od/mikehuckabee/a/huckabeequotes.htm
http://www.cnn.com/2008/POLITICS/01/17/election08.gop/index.html?iref=newssearch
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Political_positions_of_Mike_Huckabee - Wikipedia, the online encyclopedia???
THE SCORE SO FAR:
Republicans: Huckabee (F), Romney, McCain, Paul.
Democrats: Obama, Clinton, Gravel.
What the fuck: I heard Ralph Nader and NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg are considering.
Up next, I'll do a Democrat. Let's go with Iraq Hussein Osama, junior senator from somewhere flat. Whatcha got, Barack?
NEVER MET JASON KRAMB: "No one is pro-abortion."
TORTURE (I THINK???): "Today we are engaged in a deadly global struggle for those who would intimidate, torture, and murder people for exercising the most basic freedoms. If we are to win this struggle and spread those freedoms, we must keep our own moral compass pointed in a true direction."
WINNING THE RED STATES: "You know, my faith is one that admits some doubt."
GAY MARRIAGE: "I opposed the Defense of Marriage Act in 1996. It should be repealed and I will vote for its repeal on the Senate floor. I will also oppose any proposal to amend the U.S. Constitution to ban gays and lesbians from marrying."
Source: http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/b/barack_obama.html
Here's Wikipedia on his political positions: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Political_positions_of_Barack_Obama. Let's see the highlights:
NUCLEAR POWER: Should be kept "on the table."
BIOFUEL: Supports. Rising corn prices???
HEALTH CARE: Who the hell knows. I watched Obama and Hillary go back and forth on this in the most recent debate, and I think they want everyone covered??? Obama said everyone who wants coverage can get it, but I've heard people say some people wouldn't be covered in his plan. So it's voluntary I guess???
ISRAEL: Likes Israel. Said Ariel Sharon had always been "absolutely important and constructive" in the Israel-Palestine conflict even though Sharon was hard-right early in his political career. Would not cut back on funding for Israel's defense.
IMMIGRATION: Voted for the wall between the U.S. and Mexico. Yes, for. Supports amnesty but thinks immigrants should be required to learn English.
ENVIRONMENT: Pretty protective of the environment, with a heavy emphasis on steppin' off the fossil fuels.
Anyway, you can read all about it. To me, Obama is a moderate-liberal, pretty disappointing in some areas but not bad in the whole.
I'll give Obama a B.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
You want politics? I'll put your ass to sleep with politics.
Tony asked me about the elections in a comment to yesterday's post. As you might know, the field is narrowing. Edwards just dropped out, as well as America's Nosferatu, Rudy. I think Kucinich is out, if he was ever really in. I think that leaves:
Republicans: Huckabee, Romney, McCain, Paul.
Democrats: Obama, Clinton, Gravel.
What the fuck: I heard Ralph Nader and NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg are considering.
So I'm going to take a look at each candidate one-by-one, and hopefully help everyone understand just who sucks the least.
First of all, Mike Huckabee, former governor of Arkansas. Huckabee is a bad person and must be ridiculed. Hmm yes tell us about your brilliant ideas please.
EVOLUTION: "If anybody wants to believe they're the descendants of a primate, they'e welcome to do it." --answering a question about evolution
IRAN: "The point I'm trying to make is that, on the campaign trail, nobody's going to be able, if they've been campaigning as hard as we have been, to keep up with every single thing, from what happened to Britney last night to who won 'Dancing with the Stars.'" --explaining why he was unfamiliar with the National Intelligence Estimate on Iran's nuclear capability
STARS AND BARS: "You don't like people from outside the state telling you what to do with your flag," he told an audience in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. "In fact, if somebody came to Arkansas and told us what to do with our flag, we'd tell them where to put the pole."
GAY MARRIAGE: "I think the radical view is to say that we’re going to change the definition of marriage so that it can mean two men, two women, a man and three women, a man and a child, a man and animal."
THEOCRACY: "I have opponents in this race who do not want to change the Constitution. But I believe it's a lot easier to change the Constitution than it would be to change the word of the living God. And that's what we need to do -- to amend the Constitution so it's in God's standards rather than try to change God's standards so it lines up with some contemporary view."
And here's Wikipedia's summary of his political positions. He's never been right about anything. He's just extremely conservative, anti-gay marriage, anti-immigrant, pro-Israel, and totally fucking dumb.
Huckabee gets an F.
Republicans: Huckabee, Romney, McCain, Paul.
Democrats: Obama, Clinton, Gravel.
What the fuck: I heard Ralph Nader and NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg are considering.
So I'm going to take a look at each candidate one-by-one, and hopefully help everyone understand just who sucks the least.
First of all, Mike Huckabee, former governor of Arkansas. Huckabee is a bad person and must be ridiculed. Hmm yes tell us about your brilliant ideas please.
EVOLUTION: "If anybody wants to believe they're the descendants of a primate, they'e welcome to do it." --answering a question about evolution
IRAN: "The point I'm trying to make is that, on the campaign trail, nobody's going to be able, if they've been campaigning as hard as we have been, to keep up with every single thing, from what happened to Britney last night to who won 'Dancing with the Stars.'" --explaining why he was unfamiliar with the National Intelligence Estimate on Iran's nuclear capability
STARS AND BARS: "You don't like people from outside the state telling you what to do with your flag," he told an audience in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. "In fact, if somebody came to Arkansas and told us what to do with our flag, we'd tell them where to put the pole."
GAY MARRIAGE: "I think the radical view is to say that we’re going to change the definition of marriage so that it can mean two men, two women, a man and three women, a man and a child, a man and animal."
THEOCRACY: "I have opponents in this race who do not want to change the Constitution. But I believe it's a lot easier to change the Constitution than it would be to change the word of the living God. And that's what we need to do -- to amend the Constitution so it's in God's standards rather than try to change God's standards so it lines up with some contemporary view."
And here's Wikipedia's summary of his political positions. He's never been right about anything. He's just extremely conservative, anti-gay marriage, anti-immigrant, pro-Israel, and totally fucking dumb.
Huckabee gets an F.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Ah God I can embed videos
I will do nothing else. WATCH THESE IT IS IMPORTANT
Haha Ron Paul. You're breaking his heart, America.
This video is the best video.
Joe and I watched YouTube videos that we found through "[any song] cover" searches when he visited a while ago. Here's one we didn't see, enjoy the noise.
Seriously, watch those videos. They are funny.
Haha Ron Paul. You're breaking his heart, America.
This video is the best video.
Joe and I watched YouTube videos that we found through "[any song] cover" searches when he visited a while ago. Here's one we didn't see, enjoy the noise.
Seriously, watch those videos. They are funny.
Hahaha tell me this isn't a great video
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oHupdlQElnI
Please watch all of magic hat detective's videos. They are wonderfully funny.
Now I'm going to try to embed the video (???).
BEAUTY
Please watch all of magic hat detective's videos. They are wonderfully funny.
Now I'm going to try to embed the video (???).
BEAUTY
Monday, January 28, 2008
More thoughts on food
Specifically, the results of eating food. Here is what I mean: I went to Wing Stop last night and bought these things called chicken wings. They were pretty good, I would say, and I liked eating them. When I finished, I washed my hands, because that's what you do when you eat chicken wings. They all greasy. But even after I washed my hands I could still smell those damn chicken wings. I even washed them two or three times, and the smell persisted like some Macbethian nightmare. Eventually the horror ended, I think when I took a shower the next morning (this morning), but let's just say the story doesn't end there. Oh, no. There were leftovers. So right now my hands smell like chicken wings again. I might resort to extreme solutions (use of hand lotion clearly designed for the ladies, to cover the smell). I think this will define my night.
I'd love to comment about current events but you know what I'm not gonna. They just aren't very interesting. About the only thing that I've been following--vaguely--is the race for the nominations, and I'm thinking all of the Republicans are really dumb.
An update on bus rides: much less smelly. Today I took the bus a longer distance than usual and nobody smelled at all. I even stayed awake!!! Except for the last two blocks or so. I always crash then, you know, right when I need to be awake. Didn't miss my stop, though.
Tomorrow I start work, but I don't have any appointments. No surprise for the beginning of the semester. Sitting around!
Love,
Steve
I'd love to comment about current events but you know what I'm not gonna. They just aren't very interesting. About the only thing that I've been following--vaguely--is the race for the nominations, and I'm thinking all of the Republicans are really dumb.
An update on bus rides: much less smelly. Today I took the bus a longer distance than usual and nobody smelled at all. I even stayed awake!!! Except for the last two blocks or so. I always crash then, you know, right when I need to be awake. Didn't miss my stop, though.
Tomorrow I start work, but I don't have any appointments. No surprise for the beginning of the semester. Sitting around!
Love,
Steve
Saturday, January 26, 2008
I hate how pretzels get lodged in your teeth
It really bothers me. PRETZELLLLLSSSSS!!!!!!
Teresa and I saw two movies last night. Our friend Dan wanted to see No Country for Old Men, but when I told him I had hardly seen any movies by the Coen brothers, he told us to watch The Hudsucker Proxy as preparation. So we watched both back-to-back last night.
The Hudsucker Proxy came out in 1994, and stars Tim Robbins as a small-town boy named Norville Barnes who moves to New York to get a job "in business." He gets a job in the mail room at Hudsucker Industries, where he hopes to pitch his brilliant new idea--a circle. When the president of Hudsucker commits suicide, the board members realize they can't get to his stocks--the stocks are going to be sold on January 1 to the public. For the board to get control of the company, they need to kill the stock price and make Hudsucker unappealing to other investors, so they can buy up the stock themselves. So, they decide to choose a fall guy as the new president, and they choose Norville Barnes.
It's set in the 1950s, and most of the comedy comes from various attitudes and mannerisms of people in that era--particularly the female newspaper reporter assigned to cover the new leader of Hudsucker, Jennifer Jason Leigh. Her fast-talk exchanges with her boss and her co-worker, Bruce Campbell, are really hilarious. Tim is good, of course, and Paul Newman is nice and evil as the power-hungry capitalist. There are a few scenes that might stretch your patience--one sequence of characters laughing on and on is a little tiring, for example--but it's really good and definitely indicates the Coen brothers' love of older films and certain themes (inevitability and time, especially).
Then we saw No Country for Old Men, and I thought it was really awesome. First, it's very tense. It has almost no music, which I think helps create tension. Also it probably helps that the villain is scary as fuck. I won't give anything away, but I enjoyed it a lot, and I recommend it highly.
And today I'm doing nothing. It's gonna be great. I need to transfer all my files from my old computer, including all my music and stuff, so I might do that. All I have is a flash drive, might take a while. Oh well. When I do that I will edit my stories I have saved on there and probably post them, who knows.
Love,
Steve
Teresa and I saw two movies last night. Our friend Dan wanted to see No Country for Old Men, but when I told him I had hardly seen any movies by the Coen brothers, he told us to watch The Hudsucker Proxy as preparation. So we watched both back-to-back last night.
The Hudsucker Proxy came out in 1994, and stars Tim Robbins as a small-town boy named Norville Barnes who moves to New York to get a job "in business." He gets a job in the mail room at Hudsucker Industries, where he hopes to pitch his brilliant new idea--a circle. When the president of Hudsucker commits suicide, the board members realize they can't get to his stocks--the stocks are going to be sold on January 1 to the public. For the board to get control of the company, they need to kill the stock price and make Hudsucker unappealing to other investors, so they can buy up the stock themselves. So, they decide to choose a fall guy as the new president, and they choose Norville Barnes.
It's set in the 1950s, and most of the comedy comes from various attitudes and mannerisms of people in that era--particularly the female newspaper reporter assigned to cover the new leader of Hudsucker, Jennifer Jason Leigh. Her fast-talk exchanges with her boss and her co-worker, Bruce Campbell, are really hilarious. Tim is good, of course, and Paul Newman is nice and evil as the power-hungry capitalist. There are a few scenes that might stretch your patience--one sequence of characters laughing on and on is a little tiring, for example--but it's really good and definitely indicates the Coen brothers' love of older films and certain themes (inevitability and time, especially).
Then we saw No Country for Old Men, and I thought it was really awesome. First, it's very tense. It has almost no music, which I think helps create tension. Also it probably helps that the villain is scary as fuck. I won't give anything away, but I enjoyed it a lot, and I recommend it highly.
And today I'm doing nothing. It's gonna be great. I need to transfer all my files from my old computer, including all my music and stuff, so I might do that. All I have is a flash drive, might take a while. Oh well. When I do that I will edit my stories I have saved on there and probably post them, who knows.
Love,
Steve
Friday, January 25, 2008
I saw lotsa birds
Okay here's what I do: I get on the bus across the street from our apartment, at a bus stop near a park. Here, look:
View Larger Map
We live in the building in the lower right, the one going north-south. That upper overhang on the left side of the building is basically our apartment, except we live on the bottom floor. I cross Mississippi, then Quebec, and the bus stop is under that first tree on Mississippi, where there's a little strip of lighter pavement. That is where I get on the bus.
The past two days I've been standing on the upper-right corner of that intersection, looking west across Quebec, and there have been geese in the park. If you want to see the park, you can scroll that map. Here is a goose:
Well, that's two geese. Anyway, the past two days I have seen flocks of geese fly east to west over my head. When I say "flocks," I'm not talking about 10-20 geese. I am talking about like at least 250. I mean when I look left and right down Quebec I can see geese everywhere. This might appear to be an exaggeration or lie but it is not. There are lots and lots of geese in the air, all going the same direction, honking away.
It is fucking crazy. I look forward to it every day now.
View Larger Map
We live in the building in the lower right, the one going north-south. That upper overhang on the left side of the building is basically our apartment, except we live on the bottom floor. I cross Mississippi, then Quebec, and the bus stop is under that first tree on Mississippi, where there's a little strip of lighter pavement. That is where I get on the bus.
The past two days I've been standing on the upper-right corner of that intersection, looking west across Quebec, and there have been geese in the park. If you want to see the park, you can scroll that map. Here is a goose:
Well, that's two geese. Anyway, the past two days I have seen flocks of geese fly east to west over my head. When I say "flocks," I'm not talking about 10-20 geese. I am talking about like at least 250. I mean when I look left and right down Quebec I can see geese everywhere. This might appear to be an exaggeration or lie but it is not. There are lots and lots of geese in the air, all going the same direction, honking away.
It is fucking crazy. I look forward to it every day now.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Oh hey I forgot
I forgot to point out, the "blog description" at the top of this page is different. It now incorporates my favorite expression: ???.
I don't know why I like ??? but I will be using it a lot. Here's how to use it:
I have a class on Monday and Wednesday, and I had another but decided to drop it. Four classes is too many. ???
There you go. Just a little example. Enjoy!
And one more thing: why is my tongue burned? Fucker. ???
I don't know why I like ??? but I will be using it a lot. Here's how to use it:
I have a class on Monday and Wednesday, and I had another but decided to drop it. Four classes is too many. ???
There you go. Just a little example. Enjoy!
And one more thing: why is my tongue burned? Fucker. ???
Yes, I swear I will write things.
I've decided to post daily on the blog. I will post...in the morning? Probably. Let's get started.
I finally started school Tuesday. Here is what I want to talk about: the bus. I took the bus all last semester, RTD-Denver route 11, westbound for school and eastbound back. But this semester I don't have any morning classes, so I'll be taking it in the afternoon and evening. I don't like it as much. In the morning there are usually a lot of high school kids, and they...smell acceptable. I think you follow me?
The classes I'm taking are cool. Again I have a class similar to one I took at UD, so I'm basically the best at that ever and I'll get 110% on everything. Then there's "Rhetoric and the Body," a special topics class, that focuses on rhetoric and disability. We shall see what that means. It looks interesting. Tonight is my last class, Teaching Second-Language and Second-Dialect Writers, and I'm assuming that class will be interesting.
I started writing a story the other day...by which I mean about 15 days ago...and it looks good, but it's not done. I will post it here when I like it enough. I will probably send it to my editor Patrick Coate first.
Teresa and I got new computers from Dell. They are pretty. Sadly, our internet connection is as bad as ever.
I am sure you would like to hear my many opinions on the presidential candidates, but I will only share with you this, for now: Ron Paul is horrible. Please avoid him.
Okay, welcome back. Please check back often as I will actually be writing things down these days.
<3
Steve
I finally started school Tuesday. Here is what I want to talk about: the bus. I took the bus all last semester, RTD-Denver route 11, westbound for school and eastbound back. But this semester I don't have any morning classes, so I'll be taking it in the afternoon and evening. I don't like it as much. In the morning there are usually a lot of high school kids, and they...smell acceptable. I think you follow me?
The classes I'm taking are cool. Again I have a class similar to one I took at UD, so I'm basically the best at that ever and I'll get 110% on everything. Then there's "Rhetoric and the Body," a special topics class, that focuses on rhetoric and disability. We shall see what that means. It looks interesting. Tonight is my last class, Teaching Second-Language and Second-Dialect Writers, and I'm assuming that class will be interesting.
I started writing a story the other day...by which I mean about 15 days ago...and it looks good, but it's not done. I will post it here when I like it enough. I will probably send it to my editor Patrick Coate first.
Teresa and I got new computers from Dell. They are pretty. Sadly, our internet connection is as bad as ever.
I am sure you would like to hear my many opinions on the presidential candidates, but I will only share with you this, for now: Ron Paul is horrible. Please avoid him.
Okay, welcome back. Please check back often as I will actually be writing things down these days.
<3
Steve
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