Oh, America.

America, America.

Why are you so God damn dumb sometimes?

How can you spawn these people?

I've stayed away from anything political on my blog, but I couldn't help it.

News like this makes me feel much, much worse than threats from terrorists do.

I'd like to imagine that if ignorance on the scale of Cory Burnell came to Ohio, he would be laughed back to the Dark Ages. But I really don't think I can claim that.

At least in these times of trouble I can turn to my personal Lord and Savior, Jesus the Christ.

Breaking news!! Zeppelin releases new album!!

Album: Led Zeppelin III (1970)

Artist: Led Zeppelin

Label: Atlantic/Wea







Okay, here's what you should know about the Zep: they are just another classic rock band.

Some people believe these guys are gods. Some people would tell you they can do no wrong. I admit I come close to this perspective sometimes, both about Zeppelin and more modern bands. I think the most common "sacred cow" is the Beatles, who were, again, just another rock band.

But I will say this: member for member, Zep is the best band I know. More on that in a minute.

First, let me explain why I chose Zeppelin III in particular.

Zep formed in the late '60s. Jimmy Page, the guitarist, was already famous for his work with the Yardbirds, who he joined in 1967 (just so you know, I'm looking all this up. I don't know all this shit.). While recording with the Yardbirds, Page met bassist John Paul Jones, then a session musician. After the Yardbirds fell apart, Page heard about singer Robert Plant, and asked him to join the group. Lastly, Plant suggested John Bonham as a drummer.

The band was "the New Yardbirds" for a while until, according to legend, The Who drummer Keith Moon said they would sink like a lead zeppelin. The band purposely misspelled "lead" as "led" so that Americans would know not to say "lead zeppelin" like "lead singer."

Anyway, Zep recorded its first album, then toured like mad. They were huge, and the blues/rock/distortion on the first album was popular. So they recorded their second album, Zeppelin II, while on tour. It was also amazing.

And then came III. This one was recorded in the Welsh countryside, not big-city studios in England and America. And it came out just a little bit different from the others. To many fans, it was a disappointment. It's more acoustic, quiet, and generally a little less rocking than the first two.

To sum up: it's the best test available to see whether Zep really are gods.

So, as I said, member by member, the Zep is the greatest. Here, look:

John Bonham (drums): You could say the whole band rests on Bonham. His drums are magical. He plays louder and harder than anyone ever. He's scary. His sense of timing and dynamics are amazing. Sadly, on this album, he doesn't quite get the chance to go wild like he does on some others, but he's still just incredible.

Jimmy Page (guitar): You could say the whole band rests on Page. He is easily one of the best ten rock guitarists ever. Things just seem to flow from the guitar uncontrollably. The songs sometimes sound so easy, but that's part of his skill. I usually find blues very very boring, but Page can at least keep my attention for a while.

John Paul Jones (bass): You could say the whole band rests on Jones. While I've heard praise from others for Page and Bonham, Jones makes me want to listen to Zep over and over. It's not on Zeppelin III, but the song "Ramble On," from Zeppelin II, has bass to die for. I truly pity people who can't see a difference between bass and guitar. Jones is a master.

Robert Plant (vocals): You could say Plant is along for the ride. At least, that's how I see it. I remember reading articles that said many people criticized Page for getting Plant, because they thought he was too effeminate and whiny to rock. I don't really care. To me, vocals are either terrible or adequate. I rarely think the singing is very good, as long as it's passable. I would say at times on this album, it's obvious Plant is just along for the ride, especially "Gallows Pole."

So there's the band. Now here are the songs.

"Immigrant Song": No doubt the most famous song on the album. Everyone knows it. Not everyone knows the lyrics, which aren't exactly about immigrants.

I'm sorry, but when I think of immigrants, I generally think of sooty New York with Italians and Eastern Europeans climbing out of boats wearing black coats and hats. Not Nordic warriors beating the shit out of Britons. But hey, that's me.

This song just pounds away. It really is a lie to open with this song. You would expect rhythmic rock with little intricate guitar work. You'd be wrong. Also, at 2:25, it gets in and out pretty darn quickly.

"Friends": This song initiates the slightly depressing, menacing tone of the album. That is, if "Immigrant Song" didn't do that.

For such a pleasant title, the guitar intro is pretty dark. The bass sort of hums along, barely registering, but pretty damn creepy.

Page doesn't help any when he wails away with his trademark sound. This song features a very informative chorus:

Mmm, I'm telling you now,
the greatest thing
you ever can do now
is trade a smile with someone who's blue now
It's very easy just...

Right. Got it.

But the song isn't really depressing or boring. Somehow, it makes you bob along. I think it's the nearly-silly bongo drum part. Or the almost-arhythmic guitar strum pattern surrounding the second chorus. My one criticism of this song is that it never really seems to take off. I start getting excited about it, thinking it's going somewhere, and it ends. Bah.

"Celebration Day": Maybe it doesn't end. Maybe if I was listening to this on a record, I would realize it culminates in "Celebration Day." Because if so, it's a nice little trick.

"Celebration Day" starts with a blues guitar part that just gets me excited. There, I admit it, this blues riff is cool. Probably because it rocks so hard.

And Plant is at his best. Muttering, wailing, a little pretty and a little insane-sounding.

At 1:00, I think this is probably the best music I've ever heard. I just love picking out each instrument and marveling at it for a little bit. I wonder if Zep would let me join the band.

No idea what this song is about, though. But it's really cool.

"Since I've Been Loving You": So what does Zep do with all that praise I just gave them for that last song?

Gladly throw it away with "Since I've Been Loving You," which I really believe is a slap in the face to the listener.

Now, my brother Joe has defended this song on multiple occasions, so I won't tear into it too badly. But this is the sort of blues I really believe ruin life. I think it's pretentious, boring and unnecessary.

But I listened all the way though it, maybe for the first time ever.

As the title might tell you, it's really just another damn blues song about loving a girl. Let me prove it with the finest line in all of music: "Everybody trying to tell me that you didn't mean me no good." How DELIGHTFUL! Now THAT'S what I'm dying to hear! Thanks, Robert!

Also, during this song Plant repeatedly informs us he has been "Working from seven to eleven every night." This is, in fact, the first line of the song. I have to wonder. Does he mean 7 p.m. to 11 p.m.? Because this would make him the biggest goddamn whiner in the world. Or does he mean 7 a.m. to 11 p.m.? Because this would make him an absolute hardass.

Here's something funny that we encounter at 5:50 of this 7:22 song: Plant says when he opens his front door, he hears his back door slam. This suggests, of course, that somebody--who has just completed the act of sexual intercourse with his partner--is exiting the house. But then he says "You must have one of them new-fangled back door men," which I take as a reference to the song "Whole Lotta Love" on Zeppelin II, in which Plant says, "I wanna be your back door man." Now that's funny self-reference.

But the song sucks.

"Out on the Tiles": Okay. Back to the rocking.

And rock they do. It's one of those Zeppelin blues-based riffs that I love to listen to over and over. The part I love is that they leave about half a measure open, with no guitar or bass playing.

This is a good chance for John Bonham to prove he dominates the drums. I really think Bonham is the best rock drummer in history. The way he plays is just frightening.

And while this one can get a little repetitive, I like it a lot. One other problem is that I think it gets pretty weak toward the end. It just doesn't move very quickly. This is not something Zeppelin of Zeppelin II would allow to happen.

"Gallows Pole": I tend to think of this as the centerpeice of the album. It's scary.

The song is about a man being hanged, begging the hangman for mercy. He offers him gold and silver that his brother brought, then he offers his sister. Then he gets hanged. Crazy stuff.

First a verse addresses the hangman, telling him to wait. Then a response verse, from the perspective of a friend, then the brother, then the sister, tells the condemned they are trying to help him from being hanged. Then, in the last verse, the hangman decides to go through with it.

And the instruments have this sort of grand feel that I love.

The drum entrance, especially, I think is compelling.

This song cannot fail. If every song was "Gallows Pole," we might be a little more depressed, but music would be beautiful.

"Tangerine": Fuck you, Zeppelin. Honestly.

I don't know, maybe it's me. Maybe I don't have the attention span for something like "Tangerine."

But it just doesn't do it for me. They get me all fired up with "Gallows Pole," and I think maybe they are gods. Then they deliver something like "Tangerine," and I think they're wasting my time.

The lyrics are sappy as hell. The instruments are weak at best. The vocals take over, and they are painfully doubled through the chorus.

What do I mean "sappy"?

Tangerine, tangerine
living reflection from a dream
I was her love, she was my queen
and now a thousand years between.

The only thing that makes me forgive this song is that I imagine Zep looked back at the album, with its "Gallows Pole" and "Celebration Day," and decided it would be too depressing and needed some sappy shit.

Page tries to save this song with a solo, but it's not possible. Just forget it.

"That's the Way": This song threatens more of the same. Plant whines away some lame verse about nothing, and the guitar is happy to strum along mindlessly.

Then it starts looking up. And by that I mean the introduction of a nice little chord change and a change in Plant's vocals as they slip into the chorus that don't quite start the rocking, but spice up the song.

This one isn't as bad as some. It's not anything to get excited about, certainly, but it at least works well. It's more mellow than I'd like, but it's still nice.

"Bron-Y-Aur Stomp": Bron-Y-Aur is the place in Wales that Zep recorded this album, which explains the title.

I like this song a lot. I mean, it's acoustic, it doesn't rock, but it's very, very cool.

It features the first known recording of what would become the techno beat. Doof doof doof doof doof doof doof.

And dammit, it's a song about a dog. How awesome is that?

It has a wonderful guitar intro--in fact, the guitar is great through the whole song. The guitar breakdown is equally badass.

And vocals are very good Plant--here moaning, there wailing, never really doing any proper singing, but always cool.

And handclaps! Come on, people!

"Hats Off to (Roy) Harper": The home stretch.

This song purposely has a sort of backalley Delta blues feeling.

Plant is up and down and up and down while Jimmy Page plays some kind of slide insanity riff.

Lyrically, this song is a bit disturbing. Lyrics sometimes aren't that important to Zep songs, since it's not always easy to figure out what Plant is saying. But looking them up, I see a line like

Well I ain't no monkey. I can't climb no tree,
No brown skin woman gonna make no monkey out of me

and I get a little disturbed. I do sort of wonder just what he's talking about. Wait, I mean what the FUCK he's talking about.

I mean, later, when Plant threatens to kill his woman, I'm not so taken aback. That's typical blues fare there. But I must say I don't forgive the monkey line so easily.

So this song gets a big thumbs down. And if you think I shouldn't judge it strictly by the vocals, consider this: they leave John Bonham out of the closer. Bastards.

So:

Grade: C.

Summary: Sorry, Zep. It pains me to give you that. But I can't in good conscience recommend half the songs on this album--or less--and then turn and give you an A or a B. You just didn't have your shit together on this one.

The instruments are still wonderful, the vocals are still passable with their moments of glory, but you can do much, much better if you're looking for Zep. Houses of the Holy, Zeppelin II, BBC Sessions, even Zeppelin IV are preferable.

Sounds like: do I have to describe Zeppelin? They sound like music should. The Who, but harder. Just wonderful.

Track listing:

1. Immigrant Song
2. Friends
3. Celebration Day
4. Since I've Been Loving You
5. Out on the Tiles
6. Gallows Pole
7. Tangerine
8. That's the Way
9. Bron-Y-Aur Stomp
10. Hats Off to (Roy) Harper

Led Zeppelin Homepage

Shit parking ticket fuck

Hahahah I didn't really get a parking ticket. That's just an Onion headline I like a lot.

So I don't want to feel like I let you down by not writing a review yet. I've decided it's going to be Led Zeppelin III. You know, "Immigrant Song," "Gallows Pole," "Bron-Y-Aur Stomp." Classic.

But I didn't write that yet, so I'll write you a little mini-review of two recent discoveries, brought to you by Tony Storti:

Brainiac: Two-minute punk. And as inaccessible as that sounds, they're even less accessible. They mutter the word "mistakes" and hit some notes for you.

They are not easy to listen to.

But they can rock, and I'm sure they're going to be stuck in my head. And when Tony compares lots of bands to Brainiac, he's always right. When you hear a band thump out a couple bass notes and mutter a little bit into a microphone, they're thinking "Brainiac" as they do it.

Nothing really remarkable in any instrument, except the crazy Japanese girl wailing away once in a while, and robot voices. The instruments really are not skillfully played. But they're cool, and catchy if you can get through a little noise and wailing keyboard.

I am referring here to the album Hissing Prigs in Static Couture.

Pretty Girls Make Graves: Really cool. In fact, more accessible than I ever expected.

The PGMG album I have in mind is The New Romance.

Their songs are actually pretty. I think at times the female vocals get in the way, and the band really rocks without her. The instruments are great. Their drummer sounds like me if I ever concentrated and practiced.

I love "All Medicated Geniuses" and the title song.

Disadvantage of PGMG: for some reason, they feel compelled to write slower, lamer songs. Not rocking.

Okay, that's all you get. See you soon with that Zep review.

Looking for a Christmas present for Steve?

Look no more.

Just click here.

Why do I love Kurt Vonnegut so much? WHY???

I still have a lot going on. But I believe tomorrow I'll get started on a music review. It will be something more people are familiar with. I might hit a couple idols with hammers. I'm thinking Led Zeppelin, maybe The Who.

Anyway I just don't have the time, energy or inclination to write anything funny.

And so I substitute The Onion instead.

Love,

Steve

God Bless America. Seriously, God. Do it. Now.

And here are the final results of my little query.

what's the most american phrase you can think of? any cliches you can think of that just sound american?

In no particular order:

stotes0001: git r dun.
IDoNtLiKeYou1064: united we stand
ACrecelius3: we're the shit
EngelsJK: America! Fuck yeah!
EngelsJK: That's hot!
EngelsJK: Not on my watch.
tellum27: "Fire at will"
Freems489: Would you like fries with that?"
it makes me realize how lucky we really are" - jason
PsychChristina: "what's up"
sbujayhawk: "Winning isn't everything, it's the only thing."
imazwan: "beacon of freedom"
RConnair: He who dies with the most toys wins.
DeltaKnightOne: "That's a shame."
DeltaKnightOne: "I think I read this somewhere..."
DeltaKnightOne: "Sucks to be you."
DeltaKnightOne: from Sten: "It's the thought that counts."
and me: looking out for number one.

Those are funny.

Ohh dearie me it's been too long!

I haven't posted for about twelve days. Or so.

Disgusting.

But I've been busy. Class, and so forth.

Dayton had fall break this past weekend, October 8-11. Teresa and Joe and I went back to Akron.

While we were there, my mom's mother died. It's okay, I know you're all sorry. Thank you.

So I'm going back this weekend.

Then, following that, I think you can expect a lot more posting. Hopefully. At any rate, a few new reviews will be in the works, starting today. They should definitely be finished by next week. Among them will be at least one album review and probably a review of my new thrift store shirts.

So don't give up on the old blog. It's still around.

Love,

Steve