Faithful readers of bassdrumsguitar might recall our old friend Zteve. Spawned from the horrible mind of Tom Hanlon, his advice column is widely regarded as the most important piece of writing of the 21st century. It may have been the pinnacle of the written word, its swan song, as television and the Internet swallow the written word whole and shit it out (see YouTube).
Well now IT'S BACK!!! Zteve has graciously agreed to send forth his advice to the masses like a beacon of hope that is also hateful. But how? None have presented their problems. Can Zteve offer advice to...nobody?
Of course not. Don't be ridiculous. Zteve has decided to rip off Dear Abby, who nobody gives a good shit about anyway. Zteve is stealing questions directed to Dear Abby and is offering his own brand of hardcore advice-giving.
Start it up!
WIDOW READY TO TAKE ACTION AGAINST SCOURGE OF ALZHEIMER'S
DEAR ABBY ZTEVE: After a 10-year battle, I recently lost my husband to Alzheimer's disease. My darling was handsome, brilliant and athletic, a chemist and an avid golfer. Our family was confused and concerned when he began losing the ability to do simple tasks.
The progression of his illness was devastating physically, emotionally and financially. No one should have this disease, either as a person afflicted with it or as a caregiver who is helpless to intervene.
Alzheimer's disease is not the funny punch line of a joke that it has been made out to be. It's the seventh-leading cause of death in this country, yet it doesn't seem to get the attention that cancer, heart disease or even AIDS does. What can I do to ensure that Alzheimer's won't affect my children and grandchildren? -- ELIZABETH IN DALLAS
DEAR ELIZABETH: Do me a favor, won't you? Open those cataractastic eyes of yours. Yo man weren't handsome, brilliant or athletic. I happen to know by one simple clue: he had Alzheimer's disease. Guess what, Bertha? That ain't strike when ye've still got laps in the ticker, you read me? When you get old, the body goes. I know this and I'm only 22; you should have it worked out by 72. And the brain, scientists say, is part of the body. Shocker, eh?
Hey, and your family was "confused and concerned?" Better head to the doctor, Joanie, sounds like Alzheimer's is catching.
Here's something else for you, Dottie. No one should have Alzheimer's, you say?? Well then what's a disease that people should have, you old bat? Luekemia? Parkinson's? Maybe just the flu? Or is this sentence massively stupid?
And who named you humor police? Alzheimer's has the potential to be a great punchline (or punch line) to a joke, depending on the joke. Sure, "Knock, knock." "Who's there?" "Alz." "Alz who?" "Alzheimer," is terrible, but that's not to say all jokes with Alzheimer's as the punchline are terrible. I mean...I'll think of one, hold on. Okay, maybe I won't. Fuck you, Agatha.
BUT you're right on one count. Alzheimer's just doesn't get the attention of cancer or AIDS. And you know why? Nobody gives a good fuck about the elderly.
Now for the advice: there used to be a program on the television (the talkie pictures box, Edith) called "Scared Straight." The idea is, if you scare someone by telling them the truth about a particular decision, they'll make the right choices and avoid the path you've shown them. What better way to keep your kids and grandkids (and great-grandkids, let's not lie, Nellie) away from the Alz than by showin' 'em what it can do. Start calling everyone "Dale" and demand to know when Nixon's going to address the nation. Insist you have a pie in the oven and take your meds 6 times daily. Soon enough your family will get the picture. Kids: don't let Alzheimer's happen to you.
DEAR ABBY ZTEVE: I'm an active, 31-year-old woman. I exercise regularly, play tennis and walk to work instead of driving. As a result, I have developed an athletic physique. According to my doctor, my height and weight proportions are ideal for someone who exercises regularly, and my muscle/fat ratio is healthy.
My problem is my mother. She stands 5-foot-5 (the same height as me) and weighs all of 95 pounds. She raised me to accept myself the way I am and not to change my appearance just because others want me to.
In spite of this, she constantly belittles me about my appearance with comments such as, "Oh, you would look so much better if you'd lose 15 pounds," or, "Oh, maybe you should eat a little healthier -- you've put on weight." The mass in question is muscle, not fat. I had this checked by my doctor, who assured me that I have a healthy build. I have tried explaining to my mother that my build is the result of muscle as well as genetics, but she won't stop.
I have tried ignoring her comments, contradicting them with medical evidence, even saying that her comments negate the way she raised me, but she continues anyway. What more can I do to stop this? She's chipping away at my self-esteem. -- ATHLETIC IN NORTHERN CALIFORNIA
DEAR ATHLETIC: Dang, girl, what is up? You sound pretty hot. "Ideal," even.
Oh wait who in their right mind would say "ideal"?? Are you some kind of competitive freak? You can't just be in better shape than yo momma, you have to hold yourself up over all women (at or around 5'5")? That's pretty much messed up. I have met some crazy egos but you scare me. You have some real issues here that need to be addressed. Not to mention those 15 pounds.
What can you do to stop your mother's badgering you? Well, giving up is always an attractive option. Or you could pretend to give up, pretend to try a diet, and pretend to fail at it. That way you and your mother could bond over your (pretend) shortcomings, and you could keep that smart-ass elitist smirk on your face the whole time. Plus pretending to break down would be an awesome excuse for eating tons of ice cream.
But there are plenty of other options. Physical intimidation, for instance. Or you could find some flaw in mother dear--drinking problem, issues with her parents, relationship troubles, debt--and needle her about it in return. This is healthy and I recommend it. If all of these fail you can try following Abby's stupid advice but Christ is it stupid. The point is to win, Abby, you dim knife-face.
All right, that's all for today. I would like to thank Zteve, as always, for his gracious advice. He'll be taking your questions alongside Abby's, assuming you are asking for advice rather than just writing whatever comes to mind.
Love,
Steve
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