So I'm way, way too lazy to write a review of Shakespeare. At least today.
But I've decided to write a review of something else. Specifically, the people who play music in my basement.
I think a good place to start is probably Tony Storti. The whole thing is pretty much his idea.
Tony Storti (guitar): Tony is one of three resident players. We almost never play without him.
He seems to me to have two modes: 1. Turn on the effects, play a whole note, and let the bass and drums make a song while he makes noise to go along; 2. Pound the fuck out of some eighth notes and scare me with his ability to make a melody out of apparently random notes. He never gives the other players any instructions beyond agreeing on a key.
Advantages: Provides some badass noises and doesn't try to do too much. Knows exactly when to rock hard and when to back off. Always ready to play.
Disadvantages: Not quite up to the Joe Weishampel/Mike Beale standard of technical knowledge. His absolute refusal to learn or play "real songs" probably bothers some people.
Grade: B
Room for Improvement: Learn to remember what he played previously. You know how most (as in "all") songs have some sort of repeated tune? Tony can't remember what he just played, making this impossible. Now, I'm not saying our songs have to have a tune, but I think it would be a good skill to have.
Jason Kramb (bass): Jason is quickly becoming the second of three fixtures in the 53 Woodland basement. Jason picked up the bass for the first time in something like six months to join Tony and me one day.
He has improved a ton recently. I mean, he was fine to start, but it's a lot easier now. He can just pick it up and play, no problem.
Unlike Tony, he has a fair memory for what he just played, so that we can produce "songs" rather than "not songs."
Advantages: Possesses a memory. Has fair knowledge of music theory. Rocks.
Disadvantages: No flipping out like Tony. Whines about his blisters.
Grade: B-
Room for Improvement: Needs to flip out and pound the bass. According to Tony, it was a pawn shop purchase anyway. Couldn't be more than $50. Deserves to get thrown once in a while. As I said, Jason has been improving a lot recently, and I would expect his grade to go up as he learns more. And throws more.
Steve Weishampel (drums): Steve lives at 53 Woodland. He is present at all rocking sessions except in the case of Aaron Gray appearances (sorry, Pat, but it doesn't rock with you on the drums). He can't in good conscience write his own review (at least, not today...maybe someday).
So he submits these reviews. And he invites anyone to write a review of him and submit it as a comment on this post.
Please sign those comments so we can laugh about it later.
Coming next: 53 Woodland visitors die a gruesome death at my hands. And the world learns the name "Mike Beale."
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5 comments:
The bass was 60 bucks.
show some love.
you get an F
Steve Weishampel (drums): Steve is the most experienced and technically proficient of the three resident players. Steve has played drums in several other bands, including the third place finisher at last year's UD Battle of the Bands: The Dolly Rebels. Steve also fancies himself as a singer, and loves to annoy those around him with his a cappella renditions of various mars volta and at the drive in songs. Steve: you suck at singing, stick to drums.
On drums, Steve prefers to play in standard 4/4 time and likes to hit the drums hard and fast. Steve can play in pretty much any style, and always keeps things interesting. Like the rest of the resident players, Steve pretty much does whatever he wants, but unlike those other players, Steve usually sounds good.
Advantages: Plays loud and hard. Good at anticipating when to rock hard and when to slow down. Can keep rythm even when no one else is.
Disadvantages: First of all, Steve is left handed. For those of you who dont know much about making music, that pretty much means Steve looks like a retard when he is playing. To add to Steve's confused, awkward playing style, he doesnt spin his sticks ever. All of the drummers who matter do this. Like Tommy Lee from Motley Crue. Or that dude with one arm from Def Leppard. Stick spinning would hopefully cancel out his left-handedness, and he might not look so goofy on the drum throne. Steve is also poor, and cant afford to buy a new crash cymbol to replace his broken one. Finally, his lack of a double bass pedal prevents him from playing death metal. If Lars Ulrich has has a double bass pedal, then you should too Steve. Lars = greatest living drummer on the planet. End of story.
Grade: D. (This grade would go up significantly if Steve learned how to spin his drumsticks. And if he quit singing.)
Room for improvement: Steve should start lifting weights and get a few tattooes. Then he could play drums with his shirt off and would look like a badass. The beard helps, but the scrawny arms and the pasty skin just arent doing it for me. Oh yeah, and Steve should quit wasting his time with us in the basement, drop out of school, and join a real band. Seriously. Hes that good.
Several people now have commented on how hilarious the above review is.
Congratulations, "anonymous."
Or should I say "congrats"?
I enjoy watching the boys of 53 and others who join them rock out. Steve, you're a good drummer (although that doesn't mean shit coming from a musical-retard like myself...and I don't really like that word, but I think it's only appropriate). I enjoy when you drop your stick and shake your head at yourself. I don't understand anything you wrote about those numbers and stuff about the other guys' playing. I like the way Storti rocks back and forth and I've actually never seen Jason play. But go easy on him about the blisters...after my 5 min of musical glory, I can understand why he'd whine about it.
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