Meet the 53 Woodland musicians. And learn which are terrible. PART TWO: Welcome to our house, learn to fucking play.

I should start here with a disclaimer.

I have trouble making fun of people.

Hahahahahahahahahaha.

But really, I do have trouble telling people actual mean or degrading things. If I'm joking about it, I can tell you you're the worst person ever; if I really have a criticism for you, I can't do it.

I'll try, though.

And another disclaimer: some of the people listed here, contrary to the title of the post, reside at 53 Woodland. Unfortunately.

So, in no particular order:

Mikey Blocksidge (vocals): Yes, let's start here. Nowhere to go but up.

Mikey is a vocal performance major. Opera badass.

But listen: Jason Kramb isn't a bass performance major. Tony Storti? Not a guitar performance major. I ain't no drum major.

Yet somehow--despite all expectations--we rock Mikey's upper lip off. We dominate him.

Wait, I think i might know why. Hang on...it's coming to me....See, there's this thing we do--Jason, Tony and I--that helps us defeat Mikey. Okay, I think I can describe it as "Making some sort of noise." Or "inputting sound in our instrument of choice." Briefly: "Rocking."

Mikey chooses not to. Instead, he stands (or sits) and watches. No singing occurs. No words nor noises exit his mouth.

I think it hurts Tony's feelings.

Enough of Mikey. It's pissing me off.

Advantages: Unknown.

Disadvantages: The massive disappointment of out-rocking a music performance major.

Grade: F

Room for Improvement: Use drugs to loosen up before rocking. Alcohol is not enough. The harder the better. And while you're at it, share some with Sam, he'll paint us a picture.

Patty Johnson (keyboard): Pat is probably just about the opposite.

Pat has so little going for him.

So little.

And by that I mean: I believe he's spent less time on the keyboard than Tony on guitar, Jason on guitar/bass and me on drums. Thus a little less technical background.

And the boy has no rhythm. None none none none no rhythm it's sick I'm telling you.

It's pretty much the way Pat is about everything else. Facts, math, opinions, whatever. Unchangeably, certainly, absolutely wrong. Incorrectible. It's funny if you don't think about it.

YET! He can rock with us. He can pound out count one, then fuck around, then hit that count one again. It's impressive for someone with his natural handicap.

Advantages: Has shown some improvement in rhythm. Sounds cool with guitar and drums.

Disadvantages: "Some improvement" barely raises him to white-person standard for rhythm. Never comes by any more.

Grade: D

Room for Improvement: I think Pat has a natural deficiency of rhythm. He should probably just learn to play incredibly fast to cover for it.

Joe Weishampel (bass, guitar) : I don't want anyone to question my objectivity in this review.

I haven't been objective this whole time, and I don't plan to start.

Joe can rock the stringed instruments. He took lessons here at UD. Then, so did Pat and Mikey.

He probably knows more about theory than any other instrumental musician. And he can fly on both bass and guitar. Wait, is that a good thing?

Advantages: Technical knowledge, ability to rock hard. Lays out tons of bass and guitar.

Disadvantages: Has more than once referred to the Storti approach as "noodling." Harbors some sort of attachment to real songs. Lays out tons of bass and guitar.

Grades: bass: A-, guitar: A-

Room for Improvement: Feel more comfortable with the seven-minute rambling trash we prefer to churn out. Pretend you're in Sonic Youth.

Brett Ettenhofer (vocals, bass) : Brett understands the concept of rocking. This cannot be questioned.

He can rock.

But can he play?

Well, okay, he can't. What he can't do is play.

So this translates to some interesting moments. I wish we had a fifty-foot mic cord so we could witness the full extent of the rocking. And on the other hand, I wish we had a secret way to turn the bass way, way down whenever he picks it up.

I think the grades are becoming obvious, aren't they?

I should say this about vocal grades generally: they reflect a pretty damn high standard. Nobody I know is going to freestyle anything worth hearing--at least, as Tony would say, not while sober.

So all vocal grades are going to be low. I imagine that maybe Kanye West or Mos Def would receive an A+. So:

Advantages: Energy. Willingness to rock all-out.

Disadvantages: I don't think he's ever had an instrument lesson. I might be wrong, but evidence supports me here.

Grades: vocals: C+, bass: F

Room for Improvement: Alcohol comes to mind. It'll help with the freestyling. Or I guess you could write words in advance. But that would be dumb. As for the bass, forget it. Forever.

Still remaining:
Sam Wukusick
Joe Beumer
Mike Beale
Eric Contreras
Ken Farrell?
Ryan Farrell?
Anne Crecelius?

? = Played with us once, maybe isn't deserving of a grade yet.

And in other news, the battle gets harder to get a mini-course. My probably advisor, Dr. Boehnlein of the English department, said it would be difficult. I don't think we should yet resort to the "bombard Dandaneau with e-mails telling him I should teach one" idea, but it might come soon. I'm going to meet with him about it. See how that goes.

Love,

Steve