An encore appearance.

Morning.

Just to review what's coming up and what I'm doing in each show:

This weekend: Monologue Night, directed by Joe Beumer and Matt Formanski - "After I Was Thrown in the River and Before I Drowned" by Dave Eggers.

Next weekend, Feb. 16, 17 and 18: Full Circle, directed by Nick Bays and Jessica Coyle - multiple skits, of which I wrote two.

Feb. 24, 25 and 26: UD Monologues, directed by Josh Reichardt and Leslie Singel - two monologues I wrote.

Why did I get involved in this? It takes up a lot of time.

So here's a skit that didn't get accepted for Full Circle. I personally think it's pretty funny, but I understand. The directors of Full Circle don't quite share my sense of humor.

I'll post the other skit in a few minutes. Enjoy. Oh, and Beard, the main reason I left you out is because they only have really small tables, and I thought it would get really crowded with three people.



Title: “Taste of the Mediterranean” – Note: this skit is based on real events my roommate (“Tony”) and I (“Stephanie,” har har) experienced last month. The end is fictional, though. The guy really came over and played music with us. It was kinda cool.

Two people, a woman and a man, sit at a table to one side of the stage. They are eating dinner. In their case, I don’t care if they actually have food. They should mime eating.

Across the stage, and man sits and eats something. Ideally he’s really eating something. Whatever it is, he devours it without patience or manners. When he speaks, his mouth is entirely full. He has a Middle Eastern accent.

Akram: Hey, you guys, it’s good, yes?

Here’s a note about Akram. He knows English, especially American slang, and he speaks quickly. But he has a persistent accent that could be overdone if the audience reacts well.

Both people look up and respond somewhat vaguely but politely. “Yeah, sure.” “Yes, it is.”

Akram: Okay, yeah? It’s good?

He stares expectantly at them. They hesitate because they just answered that question.

Tony: Yeah, man, it’s really good.

Akram: You like the hummus? That’s good hummus.

He gets up and walks to their table excitedly. He points at imaginary food.

Akram: You like this stuff? This took me like forever to make, so you enjoy it. (he leans in pretty close to the man, Tony) While you eat this stuff, you think about how much I worked on it, you enjoy it, okay?

Tony (nodding): Okay. Thanks a lot, man.

Akram nods and folds his arms. He doesn’t move. Tony and Stephanie attempt to eat, but both keep glancing at him. He just watches them for a minute.

Akram: Hey, do you guys play music, man? I mean like play instruments?

Tony and Stephanie immediately look at each other. Tony cocks his head a little.

Stephanie: Yeah, we do.

Akram: Man, I could just tell, you guys. I just knew it. I was sitting there eating, and I thought, you know, I bet they play music, man. They look like the kind of people that would play music.

Tony and Stephanie laugh politely.

Tony: Yeah, I play guitar, and she plays drums.

Akram: Cool, man, that’s really cool. My name is Akram (ah-krahm). You guys like play in your garage, or…?

Stephanie: Our basement, actually.

Akram: Wow, man, that’s cool. That’s cool stuff.

Pause. Akram is looking at them, a sort of pleasant expression on his face, like when someone says “Hmm?”

Stephanie (giving in): Do you play an instrument?

Akram: Oh, yeah, I play the guitar, man. Three years I’ve been playing.

Tony: That’s cool. What kind of stuff are you into?

Akram: Oh, man, I’m really into Radiohead. I love that stuff. And jazz, man. I play Led Zeppelin Middle-Eastern style.

Tony and Stephanie laugh more outright this time.

Akram: I’m always looking for someone to play with, you know, to jam with.

Akram steps back and mimics playing a guitar, including sound effects. This goes on for a while. He adds made-up lyrics and shouts things like “drum solo!!” followed by drum mouth effects.

Sample lyrics:
Akram rocks like a motherfucking beast
Like a damn dirty bomb blowin’ up the middle east
You evil Christians pray to infidel God
But if you rock with Akram you’ll survive the jihad

Long pause when he’s finished. Tony and Stephanie search for places to look besides at Akram, who again has the slight smile on.

Stephanie (clears throat): Check please.

Tony: Well, I guess we’re always looking for people to play with. I suppose you could come by sometime…

Akram: Hey, man, that’s great. You know, I get off at ten tonight, man. Can I get directions to your house?

Stephanie shrugs. She grabs a pen and a piece of paper from her purse and starts writing.

Tony: Okay, yeah. Sounds good.

Akram: You need me to bring anything?

Tony: Just a guitar, I guess.

Akram: I need to bring my guitar and the goodies?

Stephanie stops writing. She looks across the table at Tony. They look at each other for a second. Akram doesn’t really notice this.

Stephanie: Umm…

Tony: Right. Your guitar.

Stephanie: Guitar.

Akram: Hey, guys, awesome. Man, this is awesome. We’re gonna have a band! You guys are great. I’ll make up the name of the band. You guys write us some songs, man. We’re gonna be famous!

He heads offstage away from the table.

As he leaves, Stephanie calls after him.

Stephanie: Wait, could we have the check, please?

Akram doesn’t hear her. Tony and Stephanie look at each other. Tony shrugs.

They both get up and leave quickly.



Let me know what you think.