Maybe they got offended at the "God Bless the U.S.A." part.

Well Lucija is here to visit Jason. Then Dr. Kramb took us out to eat at Thai 9. Which was nice.

At dinner Tony challenged me to improve the blog. I imagine one post a day would be enough, right?

I mean, something somewhat long and interesting. Better than this.

I'm afraid I'll run out of things to say. I'm just not that interesting. We'll see.

Right now, I'll give you the other skit I wrote. I turned it in a little late, and they didn't take it.

Enjoy.




Welcome to Hot Topic

Tim –clean-cut all-American boy
Jacob – the ultra-quiet hipster sort, with an expensive haircut and a Starbucks tab
Hipster Girl – somewhat goth, quiet, scary
Emo Kid – a little less goth, whiny, always sad
Fred – think of Freddy from Scooby-Doo. In fact, that fits Tim as well.

Tim and Jacob are standing around onstage, separate from each other. Jacob has his back turned and is maybe folding some clothes. I don’t really care if we have any clothes or not.

Jacob is a typical hipster. He wears tight black clothes, maybe a trucker hat. On the other hand, he really loves his long, greasy black hair. Google image search “emo hair” to see what I mean.

Tim is wearing a Cosby sweater. Or maybe tie-dye. Or maybe an actual tie. Anyway, he is entirely un-goth, un-scenester, and uncool. Tim is gazing around happily.

Quietly, he starts singing the chorus of Lee Greenwood’s “God Bless the U.S.A.” (“And I’m proud to be an American, where at least I know I’m free. And I won’t forget the men who died who gave that right to me, and I’ll gladly stand up next to you and defend her still today. ‘Cause there ain’t no doubt I love this land. God bless the U.S.A.”). Jacob hears him, turns and stares. Tim doesn’t notice right away, then sees Jacob staring, slows down, and stops singing. When Jacob turns around again, Tim starts again.

While he is singing, Hipster Girl enters near Tim. She has black hair that gets in her eyes. She has a ripped-up jean jacket or zippered hooded sweatshirt on. She can’t do anything but frown.

Tim: Well hello there! (he points to his name tag) My name is Tim and I am a trainee! Welcome to Hot Topic! Fabulous weather, isn’t it? How are you today?!?

HG frowns at Tim for a minute. Jacob looks alarmed that Tim is speaking to a customer. There is a pause.

HG: I want to die.

Tim: Well now, why would you want to do that, missy? Life is so wonderful—

Jacob (heading across the stage, trying to look cool): Okay, Tim, take it easy. I’ll get this one. Why don’t you fold some Care Bears t-shirts?

Tim: Okay, great! Fabulous, Jake!

Jacob: It’s Jacob. (to HG) Welcome, goth princess. Welcome to Hot Topic, the dark, damp nether regions of the Dayton Mall. What shade of black are you looking for today?

HG: The deepest of blacks, like the scars on my soul.

Jacob: That’s over here, by the Bob Marley shirts.

Tim: Bob Marley was black!

Everyone stops.

HG: Listen, while I don’t personally know any black people, I respect them. And that offends me.

Tim (oblivious): “Get up, stand up!” Man, Bob Marley is the neatest!

Jacob: Tim, if you’re done folding Care Bears shirts, you can get to work on sorting those anarchy patches.

Tim: Amen, brother man!

Jacob and HG take one side of the stage, Tim takes the other. Jacob notices that Tim gets a customer.

Emo Kid comes in. He has shaggy black hair, a silver beaded chain, black wristbands, everything. He is as whiny, dark, and Hot-Topic-esque as possible.

Tim: Hey there, sport! Put ‘er there!

Tim reaches out to shake his hand. EK starts crying softly.

Tim: Fantastic! My name’s Tim, and I’m a trainee! Welcome to Hot Topic! How are you today?

EK: Why am I alive?

Tim: Well golly, partner, turn that frown upside-down! Boy, what you need is a great big hug from the Timinator!

Tim seizes EK and lifts him off the ground. Jacob runs over and shocks Tim with a tazer, or hits him with a baseball bat, or something, forcing Tim to the ground.

Jacob: Sorry, dude. Can I help you?

EK: Life is miserable.

Jacob (understanding): Ironic corporate logo t-shirts are near the back. Come this way.

Jacob leads EK over with HG. Tim gets up, oblivious that he got shocked/beaten.

Tim: Well fabulous! That’s just killer, guys! You enjoy your time here!

Fred enters. He is dressed like Tim.

Tim: Hello! Welcome to Hot—Fred?

Fred: Timothy!

Tim: Frederick!

They embrace and take turns lifting each other off the ground. They are giggling at each other. Behind them, the other three are visibly offended.

Tim: What are you doing here, you silly goose?

Fred: Well, golly, old bean, d’you think I’d miss your first day on the job?

Tim: Aww shucks! Now isn’t that the darndest thing!

Fred: So how’s it going, working man?

Tim suddenly becomes very serious and steps close to Fred.

Tim: Fred, I can’t stand it. These people! They’re so…so…unclean.

Fred: Tim!

Tim: I can’t help it! They’re gross and mean and dirty and (stage whisper) I don’t even think they believe in Jesus!

Fred (gasps): No!

Tim: What should I do, Fred?

Fred: Tim! Maybe we can convert them…THROUGH SONG!!

Tim: YES!

Fred: When you’re feeling low

Tim: When you’re just out of luck

Fred: When you’re getting depressed

Both: And you want to scream—

Tim: Shucks!

Both: Just smile a little and—

Jacob, EK and HG step forward and beat the two of them with fists, kicks and the baseball bat. For a very long time.

SCENE