Tony asked me about the elections in a comment to yesterday's post. As you might know, the field is narrowing. Edwards just dropped out, as well as America's Nosferatu, Rudy. I think Kucinich is out, if he was ever really in. I think that leaves:
Republicans: Huckabee, Romney, McCain, Paul.
Democrats: Obama, Clinton, Gravel.
What the fuck: I heard Ralph Nader and NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg are considering.
So I'm going to take a look at each candidate one-by-one, and hopefully help everyone understand just who sucks the least.
First of all, Mike Huckabee, former governor of Arkansas. Huckabee is a bad person and must be ridiculed. Hmm yes tell us about your brilliant ideas please.
EVOLUTION: "If anybody wants to believe they're the descendants of a primate, they'e welcome to do it." --answering a question about evolution
IRAN: "The point I'm trying to make is that, on the campaign trail, nobody's going to be able, if they've been campaigning as hard as we have been, to keep up with every single thing, from what happened to Britney last night to who won 'Dancing with the Stars.'" --explaining why he was unfamiliar with the National Intelligence Estimate on Iran's nuclear capability
STARS AND BARS: "You don't like people from outside the state telling you what to do with your flag," he told an audience in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. "In fact, if somebody came to Arkansas and told us what to do with our flag, we'd tell them where to put the pole."
GAY MARRIAGE: "I think the radical view is to say that we’re going to change the definition of marriage so that it can mean two men, two women, a man and three women, a man and a child, a man and animal."
THEOCRACY: "I have opponents in this race who do not want to change the Constitution. But I believe it's a lot easier to change the Constitution than it would be to change the word of the living God. And that's what we need to do -- to amend the Constitution so it's in God's standards rather than try to change God's standards so it lines up with some contemporary view."
And here's Wikipedia's summary of his political positions. He's never been right about anything. He's just extremely conservative, anti-gay marriage, anti-immigrant, pro-Israel, and totally fucking dumb.
Huckabee gets an F.
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6 comments:
AN F?!??!?!?
Steve, if you dont believe that the constitution and the bible should be molded into one document, evolution is a farce, and gays are going to burn in hell what god have you been speaking with?
Because the God I know fully supports Mike Huckabee, and so does Chuck Norris. What is that you say? God doesn't exist? Why dont you check your sources Mr. Weishampel: I beg you to refute this proof:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kF3L359yKjs
And you know where to shove that banana if you can't understand the logic.
Hahaha did you hear Hulk Hogan endorsed Obama? Who gets the precious ironic 80s tough guy demographic?
The real hardcore ironic crowd is endorsing Ron Paul, by the way.
lol.
Arnold and Stallone backing McCain, Hogan backing Obama, and Norris supporting Huckabee...
I smell a cage-match. Hogan has the experience but I don't think we can underestimate the tag-team capabilities of motherfucking hemi-metal-poly-alloy robots.
(Thats what terminators are made out of noobs)
This would SO be the Pay-Per-View match of the century. All we need is Macho Man Randy Savage to come out and give Romney some love. No doubt Hillary does her own wrestling.
(You have no idea how big my boner is right now from just thinking about this)
(Big for me Steve--its a relative thing)
Steve, I'm disappointed you neglected the other hilarious Huckabee highlights:
1. He went pheasant hunting on Christmas and shot over the heads of a crowd of reporters because they scared one up.
2. In regards to his comment about the NIE report and not keeping up with 'pop culture topics' or whatever he said, weeks earlier when he was asked about Jamie Lynn Spears' pregnancy, he gave a big ole speech about the dangers of teen pregnancy indicating he was aware of that juicy piece of news. Because obviously he keeps up with that kind of news.
3. His son and a friend caught a dog, hung it up a tree, and slit its throat just to watch it die at a boy scout camp years back.
4. His son accidentally tried to board a plane with a loaded gun a couple weeks after #3 hit the news.
5. He also made a comment about the 10 Commandments being the foundation for our nation's laws...but I don't know if he understands the term 'unconstitutional', which all of the commandments happen to be minus the obvious ones.
Oh, and Anne Coulter is going to support Clinton over McCain if it comes to that. What I wouldn't give for that hot, hot endorsement.
Thanks for the fun facts Beard, but I believe the pressing matter of the moment is celebrity endorsements???
On that note I have another important fact I would like to share:
Nature Boy Ric Flair supports Huckabee??? Things just got a bit more interesting in our hypothetical cage match. Hogan needs a tag team partner. And Bill has to bail Hillary out yet again.
hahahah apparently the nature boy has an undeserved impression of his own importance??? i have no idea why he would endorse anybody. i'm pretty sure carrot top's endorsement carries more weight.
that said, he's a big bonus for "huck" as i call him in the cage match. i don't know how much chuck norris can do in the ring, so it'll help to have a proven fighter in there. oh and just a little note: stallone never was and never will be a hemi-metal-poly-alloy android??? ok??? yeah ok.
i will wait until macho man randy savage and/or patently gay star golddust pick their candidates before choosing a winner in this one.
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