The letter to Vonnegut's editor, part I

So I won't bother with the back story.

I've started the letter to Vonnegut's editor.

Here it is. I don't think I'm going to mention to him that I plan to check my sources on this one. I'll know for certain whether he was convicted of disorderly conduct, dammit.

Dear Sir or Madam:

As a member of the Berry Scholars program at the University of Dayton, I am required to present a thesis project during my senior year. These are designed to engage the undergraduate student with the outside world and expand his or her horizons. Generally, the theses are research reports, but creative variations such as works of art, short stories, and films are encouraged.

My admiration of the work of Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., led me to the idea of teaching a mini-course at the University that will focus on his works. My current plan is to hold classes once a week, during which students will engage in discussion about Mr. Vonnegut’s novels. Ideally, the class will read four of his books, most likely his works of fiction, throughout the year, and discuss the themes and character models present in the novels. Most likely, the novels will be Slaughterhouse-Five, Cat’s Cradle, Mother Night, and either Bluebeard or Breakfast of Champions. I have read all of his novels, however, and I am still considering his other works.

I feel that I am presented with a unique opportunity as an undergraduate. The chance to share my favorite author with others is very exciting. However, I believe I have an equally thrilling opportunity before me: it was recommended to me by the director of the scholars program that I travel to New York to interview Mr. Vonnegut in preparation for the course. The director, Associate Professor Steven P. Dandaneau, Ph.D., suggested that the experience of speaking with Mr. Vonnegut about his works, his biography, and other topics could prepare me for teaching his works—as well as preparing me for the rest of my life, I expect. As a member of Mr. Vonnegut’s traditional audience, American youth, I would have a unique opportunity to find out what he believes the youth of America are capable of, what is important to them, what should be important to them, and other concepts related to his novels.



The sucking up is to come later, I assure you.

Give me comments. Also, tell me what to write about next. But mostly give me comments.

Love,
Steve

Quick review: Hooray the Constantines!

I suppose my reviews of albums can be pretty long. I mean, I hate short reviews in newspapers and stuff. They might as well just give a grade, for how brief the explanations can be.

But here's a short one, for Brett.


Album: Tournament of Hearts

Artist: The Constantines

Labels: SubPop, Three Gut Records


Okay, here's The Constantines. They're Canadian. They released Shine a Light, their first album, to extreme critical acclaim. And from what I've read on the internets, Tournament of Hearts is considered a failure on the order of the second two Matrix movies.

But I disagree.

This is an extremely solid album. Most criticism says it's slow, it's boring, and it doesn't rock enough, but I would say it's really pretty. A lot of the songs are rhythm-based, with one thumping pattern holding together the whole song (See "Draw Us Lines," the opener, as well as "Love in Fear").

I tried as hard as I could to find the lyrics to Tournament of Hearts on the internet, but I couldn't. The lyrics I can understand are truly great, though. Extremely melancholy, reflective, and beautiful.

The bass and drums hold down the rhythms of each song, providing a perfect background for the raspy, Bruce Springsteen-like vocals. Meanwhile, the guitars amble around the mix, sometimes rocking, mostly experimenting or off on their own. Again, "Love in Fear" is a perfect example.

One of the problems I have with The Constantines is their song titles. Let's see...of the 10 songs on Tournament of Hearts, all 10 of them have titles that mirror the chorus of the song. I guess that's okay, but I prefer the Thunderbirds Are Now!/At the Drive-In style of choosing names that don't appear in the song.

Something I love about the songs, though, is the tightness between the drums and bass. This is especially evident in "Love in Fear" and "Thieves," in which drums and bass form such a great, close-together rhythm section that it's easy to forget how simple the songs are.

And they really are simple. Take "Soon Enough," the wonderfully heartfelt ballad-like reflection on aging. Or "Hotline Operator," a peppy, almost bouncy song about who knows what. Both are really the same basic thing throughout, but they keep the listener's attention through interesting variations.

In the end, I would have to say Tournament of Hearts is absolutely worth a listen. It's slightly morose, melancholy and contemplative, but it's still very interesting to listen to. It might be the most widely appealing, accessible music I recommend.

Grade: B+.

Track listing:

1. Draw Us Lines
2. Hotline Operator
3. Love in Fear
4. Lizavetta
5. Soon Enough
6. Working Full-Time
7. Good Nurse
8. Thieves
9. Conductor
10. Windy Road

Constantines official site

SubPop's Tournament of Hearts site

Buy Tournament of Hearts at Amazon.com

I put off the review of Jason's cell phone. But I present a review of ATDI.

Hey there campers!

Thanksgiving was nice. I hate the idea of Thanksgiving. We set aside one day of thanks--fine. I think it should be more than one day, but whatever. But then, what do we do on that day? ("We" of course are Americans, like it or not.)
WE EAT AS MUCH AS WE CAN!!!!
Thanks, Third World, for all the cheap stuff! This turkey leg's for you!
Thanks, dead soldiers, for all the cheap stuff! I'll have a little extra gravy!
Thanks, human rights violations, for all the cheap stuff! I think I WILL have some more pie!

We have a lot to be thankful for, but that's about the shittiest way of expressing it that I can conceive. It's like a cruel joke on the less fortunate.

So.

I wanted to review Jason's cell phone usage. But I've been thinking about it a little, and I can't come up with more than a sentence. I'll keep that sentence to myself, however, since I'm about to meet Lucija tomorrow, and I don't want to risk pissing her off. So I'll save it.

Instead, I want to tell you about this neat band.


Album: In/Casino/Out

Artist: At the Drive-In

Label: Fearless Records






Yes, At the Drive-In. From El Paso, Texas, this five-member band rocked ridiculously hard through the middle and late 1990s, only to break up after the album that followed In/Casino/Out, which was called Relationship of Command. The members of ATDI went on to form the current bands Sparta and The Mars Volta. Even though TMV is incredible, I would still pay an unreasonable amount (read: about $50) for an At the Drive-In reunion.

They're great.

So let me start with the downside of ATDI. Some people don't care for Cedric Bixler's voice. He's the singer for both At the Drive-In and The Mars Volta. In ATDI, you can expect to find shout/screaming, which I know turns some people off immediately. It's a shame, too, because Linkin Park shout/screaming is insulting, ignorant and laughable, while I think Bixler's is defiant, frustrated and sad. Whatever, some people don't want to hear that. I love it.

As for the rest of the band, holy shit. Guitarist Omar Rodriguez-Lopez just goes off and plays whatever the fuck he wants to sometimes. It's brilliant. Meanwhile, the other guitarist, Jim Ward, now the singer and guitarist of Sparta, holds down the "actual" guitar parts and keeps the songs tight. Then there's Paul Hinojos (right), the bassist for ATDI, who currently plays guitar for Sparta. He's humorously tall and awkward-looking in live footage of ATDI, but he was pretty good. The bass serves to carry songs along and doesn't try anything too fancy. The drummer is Tony Hajjar, a big badass. He's from Lebanon and he's nearly as good as The Mars Volta drummer Jon Theodore.

So ATDI is amazing, pretty much. And In/Casino/Out might be their best album. It's their second full-length, I believe, after the glorious Acrobatic Tenement, which was recorded all in one session to capture the "live" feel. In/Casino/Out is a little more organized and a lot tighter than Tenement. I think every song on it is incredible.

One last warning about the band: don't bother figuring out the lyrics. I know what three or four of the songs on In/Casino/Out are about, which is really pretty good for ATDI. Bixler tends to write lyrics that are completely symbolic or referential, meaning the words don't always make sense unless you know what they stand for (in his slightly drugged mind). Trying to figure the lyrics out can be fun, but is ultimately not very important to the songs. For some reason, this frustrates some people, but I like it.

So. Here it is.

Alpha Centauri: A really good opener. Not too flashy or crazy, but upbeat and tight. Bixler pulls off some hilariously confusing lyrics: "Matadors chase the bull in a china shop," "Widows: an antique replacement, a briefcase filled with Mace." Hahahahahahaha whatever, man.

As for the music, they don't try anything too crazy. At 2:00 they throw in a bridge that features a little random note selection from Omar Rodriguez-Lopez. I think this song is really cool.

Chanbara: Brad Long's favorite ATDI song, he once told me. Bongos at the start, along with a really badass drumbeat. If I danced, I would want to dance to this.

Then Bixler marches in, and it's harder to understand than ever. Both the first and second verses end with great lines: "A belly-flopped proposal of 'Let's be friends'," and "Oh, dear God, what a tangled web we weave." I think of that line quite a bit. No, I don't know what it means.

More than anything on Acrobatic Tenement, "Chanbara" is driven by the vocals. Imagining this song without the vocals is difficult. I don't know if that's a good or bad thing--a lot of people would say bad because they dislike Bixler's voice--but it's certainly different.

Hulahoop Wounds: Jason Kramb's favorite song by ATDI. The bass and guitar roll through the introduction, and the verses are a pleasantly relaxed change. I nearly understand what this song is about, but not quite.

"Hulahoop Wounds" features the Jim Ward/Omar Rodriguez-Lopez backup vocals that are, somehow, worse and better than Bixler's lead. For about the first 1:30, ATDI holds back and "Hulahoop Wounds" is nearly pretty.

Then they tear loose, and it's glorious. I get the feeling Bixler can hardly keep up with the rhythm section. Even when they cool down for the "Hook and sinker!" breakdown, the band can't keep quiet for long.

The chorus also features a really cool syncopation.

Napoleon Solo: HA! I know what this song is about.

It's about a car crash on the road from Austin, TX to New Orleans, that killed two girls who were on their way to see an ATDI show. Sad story.

This song is creepy. I love it. The intro is just frightening, sort of spidery, and Bixler mutters along in a conspiratorial way.

Then the drums and bass enter, and it sounds to me like a song from a musical, maybe, the way, Bixler sings along with the instruments but seems so disconnected from them.

The chorus is insane. It calls to mind the live performances of ATDI I've seen on tape, in which they destroy everything they can.

I pretty much love this song. Probably my favorite part is at 4:09, when the band takes off again and Bixler screams "Strum this broken harp." I think his throat is going to fall apart.

Pickpocket: I nearly forgot about this song. And that says a lot. I suppose even some of my favorite albums must have a forgettable song.

This one flies along, featuring some great crazy lead work from Omar Rodriguez/Lopez. Unfortunately, at some points the song feels sort of phoned in, like they just aren't pounding away as hard as "Napoleon Solo." This is especially evident during the verses.

On the other hand, I really like the chorus. The lyrics are really funny, if you can figure them out. "Breakfast table search team implodes." Hahahahaha.

For Now...We Toast: I know this one too! It's about a prison break!

This is the most relaxed ATDI gets. The verses are nearly pop music.

Don't worry, the chorus isn't. Something about the guitar, drum and vocal interaction in the chorus makes me wish it went on forever.

I don't care much for the bridge, though, which is half-time and drags somewhat. Even Jim Ward backup vocals can't save it for me.

But then they tear into the final extended chorus, and it's a great song too. "Wanted for the crime of the disease that you give," is the message, apparently.

A Devil Among the Tailors: This song, like much of ATDI, I guess, requires a certain mood. Sometimes I listen to it and it's so goddamn slow and boring that I can't make it all the way through. Then other times it's greater than anything ever.

I assume both feelings are equally true.

I do really like the vocals in this song, especially the verses. He just rambles on without pausing, it's cool.

But this song makes you wait. The intro, the pre-chorus, the breakdown...this song is about waiting for something to happen.

On the other hand, Bixler does quote the famous motto of Che Guevara ("Hasta la victoria siempre"), which is cool.

In the end, this song hits its stride, and it's cool. You just have to be patient.

Shaking Hand Incision: Holy hell, the drumming in this song is great.

Straight from the start, Hajjar dominates. I am envious.

This is one of the most exciting songs on the album, I think. It just takes off, and it's hard to keep up. Then it hits a wall, and that's awesome too. I think the pacing of this song is perfect.

One thing I really like about this song is the way Bixler uses the same lines in different ways. "Stitched lip starched in a giggle," "Nothing ever changes except the scenery arrangements," and "In piles of clothing sleep the dead" tie the song together beautifully.

Again, whatever the hell he's talking about, I sure don't know.

Lopsided: Ooh, this might be my favorite.

It's so different. It's relaxed and not frantic. Not until around the end, that is. The pacing is great.

I really like this song. I could go on and on, but it's just so cool. Listen to it.

Hourglass: I might find any song that follows "Lopsided" a little lacking, but I love "Hourglass" all the same.

I've read that Jim Ward does the vocals on this song. I can't really tell, but they're cool.

This song is normal. It's barely ATDI at all. It doesn't really contain any flipping out or insanity. It's sad as hell, and it's wonderful.

I know what this one's about, too. I've heard it's about the Russian space program, from the perspective of a cosmonaut.

"I'm all alone so far up here, and my oxygen's all gone" is a pretty good indication of that.

"A truly distressing realization: I wish I was an astronaut" is also a clue, I would say.

Well, okay, "Hourglass" has a little rocking out. But it works really well.

Transatlantic Foe: I've heard this song is also about the Cold War. Who knows?

It rivals "Shaking Hand Incision" for badass drums. I love this song too. It's unstoppable.

Bixler's vocals are perfect, too. Between the punchy chorus and the melodic verses, he's great.

What I like about this song is how it contains a bunch of different parts that are visited in nearly random order, and only once or twice in the song.

It's a great closer, I think.

Grade: A.

Summary: What I really like about In/Casino/Out, I think, is that none of the songs are formulaic. They're always unpredictable and out-of-control. Bixler's voice is a love-it-or-hate-it sort of thing, and I've never faulted anyone for disliking the vocals. But ATDI is just crazy, unstoppable, and I think they must be admired for that.

Sounds like: well, I guess The Mars Volta would be the easy answer, but that's not even really true. They sound like Pretty Girls Make Graves, I guess. They're described as emo-core in some reviews I've read, but that phrase is pretty meaningless to me. They're just a post-punk rock band.

Track listing:

1. Alpha Centauri
2. Chanbara
3. Hulahoop Wounds
4. Napoleon Solo
5. Pickpocket
6. For Now...We Toast
7. A Devil Among the Tailors
8. Shaking Hand Incision
9. Lopsided
10. Hourglass
11. Transatlantic Foe

At the Drive-In website run by Fearless Records

Buy In/Casino/Out at Amazon.com

Find In/Casino/Out lyrics here

I still hate Shakespeare.

Despite Brother Tuss's best efforts, I can't find it in my heart to give much of a shit about old William Shakespeare. But I do love Macbeth. That play is craaazaayy.

I'm writing to let you know that I really like Ted Leo and the Phramacists.

They make nice music. They occasionally rock, but it's more comparable to slower Saves the Day rather than, say, At the Drive-In. Who I also love.

Now available if you get file from me.

Coming soon: a review of Jason Kramb's cell phone.

<3

I return to my blog.

It's been far too long, old friends.

My laptop died, I had to get a new hard drive. That explains the absence.

So listen. I wrote this article for Flyer News about a Marycrest cafeteria worker getting rocks thrown at her one morning in October. She said three guys attacked her and called her "nigger" on her way to work.

After the article came out, UD Public Safety released the incident report relating to the incident. This contained the suspects' names and a brief account of the event. I was assigned a follow-up article now that we had suspects' names.

I interviewed two of them and wrote a story that basically described things from their point of view. Their stories differed greatly from the victim's. They claimed that they didn't even see her that morning. The two I talked to said that two of them--one I was interviewing and one I was not--had been found not guilty in Dayton Municipal Court. I wrote this in my article, and my publisher chose it for the headline.

In my article, editors and I decided not to print any names, since they had been found not guilty. One of the students had granted an interview on condition of anonymity, so that worked out well.

Then I get emails from UD's attorney and my editor-in-chief. Turns out they were found guilty in court, which is a little different from not guilty. Granted, assault charges were withdrawn, but the two who'd had their trials had been found guilty of disorderly conduct.

This information was available on the Dayton Municipal Court website, but I didn't think to check it. Jokes 'n.

So my editor wrote a clarification/correction that included all three names. Including the kid who didn't want his name in the paper. Hahahahahahahahaha SHOULDN'T HAVE LIED, FOOL!!!!

Here:

My first article

My second article

Trial results - search criminal results by defendant name, then search "Michael Fields," "Daniel Mingee," and Michael Synck" (which is a misspelling of Synek, and he's the one who hasn't had his trial yet)

My editor's correction

What fun life is.

This blog just might come to life eventually. We shall see.

Oh, America.

America, America.

Why are you so God damn dumb sometimes?

How can you spawn these people?

I've stayed away from anything political on my blog, but I couldn't help it.

News like this makes me feel much, much worse than threats from terrorists do.

I'd like to imagine that if ignorance on the scale of Cory Burnell came to Ohio, he would be laughed back to the Dark Ages. But I really don't think I can claim that.

At least in these times of trouble I can turn to my personal Lord and Savior, Jesus the Christ.

Breaking news!! Zeppelin releases new album!!

Album: Led Zeppelin III (1970)

Artist: Led Zeppelin

Label: Atlantic/Wea







Okay, here's what you should know about the Zep: they are just another classic rock band.

Some people believe these guys are gods. Some people would tell you they can do no wrong. I admit I come close to this perspective sometimes, both about Zeppelin and more modern bands. I think the most common "sacred cow" is the Beatles, who were, again, just another rock band.

But I will say this: member for member, Zep is the best band I know. More on that in a minute.

First, let me explain why I chose Zeppelin III in particular.

Zep formed in the late '60s. Jimmy Page, the guitarist, was already famous for his work with the Yardbirds, who he joined in 1967 (just so you know, I'm looking all this up. I don't know all this shit.). While recording with the Yardbirds, Page met bassist John Paul Jones, then a session musician. After the Yardbirds fell apart, Page heard about singer Robert Plant, and asked him to join the group. Lastly, Plant suggested John Bonham as a drummer.

The band was "the New Yardbirds" for a while until, according to legend, The Who drummer Keith Moon said they would sink like a lead zeppelin. The band purposely misspelled "lead" as "led" so that Americans would know not to say "lead zeppelin" like "lead singer."

Anyway, Zep recorded its first album, then toured like mad. They were huge, and the blues/rock/distortion on the first album was popular. So they recorded their second album, Zeppelin II, while on tour. It was also amazing.

And then came III. This one was recorded in the Welsh countryside, not big-city studios in England and America. And it came out just a little bit different from the others. To many fans, it was a disappointment. It's more acoustic, quiet, and generally a little less rocking than the first two.

To sum up: it's the best test available to see whether Zep really are gods.

So, as I said, member by member, the Zep is the greatest. Here, look:

John Bonham (drums): You could say the whole band rests on Bonham. His drums are magical. He plays louder and harder than anyone ever. He's scary. His sense of timing and dynamics are amazing. Sadly, on this album, he doesn't quite get the chance to go wild like he does on some others, but he's still just incredible.

Jimmy Page (guitar): You could say the whole band rests on Page. He is easily one of the best ten rock guitarists ever. Things just seem to flow from the guitar uncontrollably. The songs sometimes sound so easy, but that's part of his skill. I usually find blues very very boring, but Page can at least keep my attention for a while.

John Paul Jones (bass): You could say the whole band rests on Jones. While I've heard praise from others for Page and Bonham, Jones makes me want to listen to Zep over and over. It's not on Zeppelin III, but the song "Ramble On," from Zeppelin II, has bass to die for. I truly pity people who can't see a difference between bass and guitar. Jones is a master.

Robert Plant (vocals): You could say Plant is along for the ride. At least, that's how I see it. I remember reading articles that said many people criticized Page for getting Plant, because they thought he was too effeminate and whiny to rock. I don't really care. To me, vocals are either terrible or adequate. I rarely think the singing is very good, as long as it's passable. I would say at times on this album, it's obvious Plant is just along for the ride, especially "Gallows Pole."

So there's the band. Now here are the songs.

"Immigrant Song": No doubt the most famous song on the album. Everyone knows it. Not everyone knows the lyrics, which aren't exactly about immigrants.

I'm sorry, but when I think of immigrants, I generally think of sooty New York with Italians and Eastern Europeans climbing out of boats wearing black coats and hats. Not Nordic warriors beating the shit out of Britons. But hey, that's me.

This song just pounds away. It really is a lie to open with this song. You would expect rhythmic rock with little intricate guitar work. You'd be wrong. Also, at 2:25, it gets in and out pretty darn quickly.

"Friends": This song initiates the slightly depressing, menacing tone of the album. That is, if "Immigrant Song" didn't do that.

For such a pleasant title, the guitar intro is pretty dark. The bass sort of hums along, barely registering, but pretty damn creepy.

Page doesn't help any when he wails away with his trademark sound. This song features a very informative chorus:

Mmm, I'm telling you now,
the greatest thing
you ever can do now
is trade a smile with someone who's blue now
It's very easy just...

Right. Got it.

But the song isn't really depressing or boring. Somehow, it makes you bob along. I think it's the nearly-silly bongo drum part. Or the almost-arhythmic guitar strum pattern surrounding the second chorus. My one criticism of this song is that it never really seems to take off. I start getting excited about it, thinking it's going somewhere, and it ends. Bah.

"Celebration Day": Maybe it doesn't end. Maybe if I was listening to this on a record, I would realize it culminates in "Celebration Day." Because if so, it's a nice little trick.

"Celebration Day" starts with a blues guitar part that just gets me excited. There, I admit it, this blues riff is cool. Probably because it rocks so hard.

And Plant is at his best. Muttering, wailing, a little pretty and a little insane-sounding.

At 1:00, I think this is probably the best music I've ever heard. I just love picking out each instrument and marveling at it for a little bit. I wonder if Zep would let me join the band.

No idea what this song is about, though. But it's really cool.

"Since I've Been Loving You": So what does Zep do with all that praise I just gave them for that last song?

Gladly throw it away with "Since I've Been Loving You," which I really believe is a slap in the face to the listener.

Now, my brother Joe has defended this song on multiple occasions, so I won't tear into it too badly. But this is the sort of blues I really believe ruin life. I think it's pretentious, boring and unnecessary.

But I listened all the way though it, maybe for the first time ever.

As the title might tell you, it's really just another damn blues song about loving a girl. Let me prove it with the finest line in all of music: "Everybody trying to tell me that you didn't mean me no good." How DELIGHTFUL! Now THAT'S what I'm dying to hear! Thanks, Robert!

Also, during this song Plant repeatedly informs us he has been "Working from seven to eleven every night." This is, in fact, the first line of the song. I have to wonder. Does he mean 7 p.m. to 11 p.m.? Because this would make him the biggest goddamn whiner in the world. Or does he mean 7 a.m. to 11 p.m.? Because this would make him an absolute hardass.

Here's something funny that we encounter at 5:50 of this 7:22 song: Plant says when he opens his front door, he hears his back door slam. This suggests, of course, that somebody--who has just completed the act of sexual intercourse with his partner--is exiting the house. But then he says "You must have one of them new-fangled back door men," which I take as a reference to the song "Whole Lotta Love" on Zeppelin II, in which Plant says, "I wanna be your back door man." Now that's funny self-reference.

But the song sucks.

"Out on the Tiles": Okay. Back to the rocking.

And rock they do. It's one of those Zeppelin blues-based riffs that I love to listen to over and over. The part I love is that they leave about half a measure open, with no guitar or bass playing.

This is a good chance for John Bonham to prove he dominates the drums. I really think Bonham is the best rock drummer in history. The way he plays is just frightening.

And while this one can get a little repetitive, I like it a lot. One other problem is that I think it gets pretty weak toward the end. It just doesn't move very quickly. This is not something Zeppelin of Zeppelin II would allow to happen.

"Gallows Pole": I tend to think of this as the centerpeice of the album. It's scary.

The song is about a man being hanged, begging the hangman for mercy. He offers him gold and silver that his brother brought, then he offers his sister. Then he gets hanged. Crazy stuff.

First a verse addresses the hangman, telling him to wait. Then a response verse, from the perspective of a friend, then the brother, then the sister, tells the condemned they are trying to help him from being hanged. Then, in the last verse, the hangman decides to go through with it.

And the instruments have this sort of grand feel that I love.

The drum entrance, especially, I think is compelling.

This song cannot fail. If every song was "Gallows Pole," we might be a little more depressed, but music would be beautiful.

"Tangerine": Fuck you, Zeppelin. Honestly.

I don't know, maybe it's me. Maybe I don't have the attention span for something like "Tangerine."

But it just doesn't do it for me. They get me all fired up with "Gallows Pole," and I think maybe they are gods. Then they deliver something like "Tangerine," and I think they're wasting my time.

The lyrics are sappy as hell. The instruments are weak at best. The vocals take over, and they are painfully doubled through the chorus.

What do I mean "sappy"?

Tangerine, tangerine
living reflection from a dream
I was her love, she was my queen
and now a thousand years between.

The only thing that makes me forgive this song is that I imagine Zep looked back at the album, with its "Gallows Pole" and "Celebration Day," and decided it would be too depressing and needed some sappy shit.

Page tries to save this song with a solo, but it's not possible. Just forget it.

"That's the Way": This song threatens more of the same. Plant whines away some lame verse about nothing, and the guitar is happy to strum along mindlessly.

Then it starts looking up. And by that I mean the introduction of a nice little chord change and a change in Plant's vocals as they slip into the chorus that don't quite start the rocking, but spice up the song.

This one isn't as bad as some. It's not anything to get excited about, certainly, but it at least works well. It's more mellow than I'd like, but it's still nice.

"Bron-Y-Aur Stomp": Bron-Y-Aur is the place in Wales that Zep recorded this album, which explains the title.

I like this song a lot. I mean, it's acoustic, it doesn't rock, but it's very, very cool.

It features the first known recording of what would become the techno beat. Doof doof doof doof doof doof doof.

And dammit, it's a song about a dog. How awesome is that?

It has a wonderful guitar intro--in fact, the guitar is great through the whole song. The guitar breakdown is equally badass.

And vocals are very good Plant--here moaning, there wailing, never really doing any proper singing, but always cool.

And handclaps! Come on, people!

"Hats Off to (Roy) Harper": The home stretch.

This song purposely has a sort of backalley Delta blues feeling.

Plant is up and down and up and down while Jimmy Page plays some kind of slide insanity riff.

Lyrically, this song is a bit disturbing. Lyrics sometimes aren't that important to Zep songs, since it's not always easy to figure out what Plant is saying. But looking them up, I see a line like

Well I ain't no monkey. I can't climb no tree,
No brown skin woman gonna make no monkey out of me

and I get a little disturbed. I do sort of wonder just what he's talking about. Wait, I mean what the FUCK he's talking about.

I mean, later, when Plant threatens to kill his woman, I'm not so taken aback. That's typical blues fare there. But I must say I don't forgive the monkey line so easily.

So this song gets a big thumbs down. And if you think I shouldn't judge it strictly by the vocals, consider this: they leave John Bonham out of the closer. Bastards.

So:

Grade: C.

Summary: Sorry, Zep. It pains me to give you that. But I can't in good conscience recommend half the songs on this album--or less--and then turn and give you an A or a B. You just didn't have your shit together on this one.

The instruments are still wonderful, the vocals are still passable with their moments of glory, but you can do much, much better if you're looking for Zep. Houses of the Holy, Zeppelin II, BBC Sessions, even Zeppelin IV are preferable.

Sounds like: do I have to describe Zeppelin? They sound like music should. The Who, but harder. Just wonderful.

Track listing:

1. Immigrant Song
2. Friends
3. Celebration Day
4. Since I've Been Loving You
5. Out on the Tiles
6. Gallows Pole
7. Tangerine
8. That's the Way
9. Bron-Y-Aur Stomp
10. Hats Off to (Roy) Harper

Led Zeppelin Homepage

Shit parking ticket fuck

Hahahah I didn't really get a parking ticket. That's just an Onion headline I like a lot.

So I don't want to feel like I let you down by not writing a review yet. I've decided it's going to be Led Zeppelin III. You know, "Immigrant Song," "Gallows Pole," "Bron-Y-Aur Stomp." Classic.

But I didn't write that yet, so I'll write you a little mini-review of two recent discoveries, brought to you by Tony Storti:

Brainiac: Two-minute punk. And as inaccessible as that sounds, they're even less accessible. They mutter the word "mistakes" and hit some notes for you.

They are not easy to listen to.

But they can rock, and I'm sure they're going to be stuck in my head. And when Tony compares lots of bands to Brainiac, he's always right. When you hear a band thump out a couple bass notes and mutter a little bit into a microphone, they're thinking "Brainiac" as they do it.

Nothing really remarkable in any instrument, except the crazy Japanese girl wailing away once in a while, and robot voices. The instruments really are not skillfully played. But they're cool, and catchy if you can get through a little noise and wailing keyboard.

I am referring here to the album Hissing Prigs in Static Couture.

Pretty Girls Make Graves: Really cool. In fact, more accessible than I ever expected.

The PGMG album I have in mind is The New Romance.

Their songs are actually pretty. I think at times the female vocals get in the way, and the band really rocks without her. The instruments are great. Their drummer sounds like me if I ever concentrated and practiced.

I love "All Medicated Geniuses" and the title song.

Disadvantage of PGMG: for some reason, they feel compelled to write slower, lamer songs. Not rocking.

Okay, that's all you get. See you soon with that Zep review.

Looking for a Christmas present for Steve?

Look no more.

Just click here.

Why do I love Kurt Vonnegut so much? WHY???

I still have a lot going on. But I believe tomorrow I'll get started on a music review. It will be something more people are familiar with. I might hit a couple idols with hammers. I'm thinking Led Zeppelin, maybe The Who.

Anyway I just don't have the time, energy or inclination to write anything funny.

And so I substitute The Onion instead.

Love,

Steve

God Bless America. Seriously, God. Do it. Now.

And here are the final results of my little query.

what's the most american phrase you can think of? any cliches you can think of that just sound american?

In no particular order:

stotes0001: git r dun.
IDoNtLiKeYou1064: united we stand
ACrecelius3: we're the shit
EngelsJK: America! Fuck yeah!
EngelsJK: That's hot!
EngelsJK: Not on my watch.
tellum27: "Fire at will"
Freems489: Would you like fries with that?"
it makes me realize how lucky we really are" - jason
PsychChristina: "what's up"
sbujayhawk: "Winning isn't everything, it's the only thing."
imazwan: "beacon of freedom"
RConnair: He who dies with the most toys wins.
DeltaKnightOne: "That's a shame."
DeltaKnightOne: "I think I read this somewhere..."
DeltaKnightOne: "Sucks to be you."
DeltaKnightOne: from Sten: "It's the thought that counts."
and me: looking out for number one.

Those are funny.