Zteve Zays a few more things.

The first issue of Zteve Zays, the previous post, was such an immense smash hit that I'm doing it again!! Ladies and gentlemen, may I present Zteve!

Dear Zteve Zays,
I've been seeing this girl for the past six to eight months now. We're mutually attracted, we converse well, we have a healthy sex life, etc.
We're at the point in the relationship now where it feels like something more should happen: we should stay together more often, we should meet each others' parents, etc. I guess we're both dragging our feet.
I guess at the root of the issue is that bachelor(ette) hood is our last sign of adolescence. We are both in our late twenties and relatively satisfied with our careers. We're both tacitly acknowledging that if we end up married, we will become suburban parents in the blink of an eye.
Also, very recently, she has mastered this skill wherein she exhales with considerable force through her nostrils and it makes an impressive whistling sound that rises in pitch for a few seconds before it fades.
This was amusing for perhaps the first fifteen minutes I heard it, but she does it all the time now: waiting in line at the bank, at a baseball game, etc.
So, Zteve, should I knock her up or kill her?
Thanks,
Cautious in Calgary

"Cautious":

Intercourse before marriage is an abomination of God's creation. For the sake of your souls, you should kill her and then yourself, pleading the Lord for forgiveness.

Good luck and thanks for writing!

NEXT!

Dear Zteve,
There is someone at my local school paper who keeps expressing anti-American ideas. This bothers me because the media told me America is awesome and I don't like questioning my pre-conceived notions.
I've tried just complaining and waiting for someone else to do something about it, like I solve all my problems. I've also tried responding with personal attacks and representing my opinions as fact, but he continues to express his opinions.
Is there someway I can make him shut up and appreciate all the wonders of America, like freedom of expression or the destruction of other cultures by forcibly implementing our ideas?
Sincerely, Proud Patriot.

"Proud Patriot":

Thanks for your very moving letter. It is truly an inspiring message from a true American. Just the other day, as I was thinking about 9/11 (never forget), waving an American flag (Old Glory), saluting an American soldier (support our troops), putting on my "NYPD/FDNY" hat (respect our heroes), praying to my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ (eternal life is mine!), applying a "Support Our Troops" bumper magnet (to my SUV), changing the TV channel (Wild'n Out), double-fisting Wendy's triples (do what tastes right), buying NASCAR tickets (I watch for the crashes), checking out from WalMart (always low prices), and stroking a noble bald eagle (caw caw), I realized how great this nation is. America. I just fuckin' love it, fellow patriot.

As for your question: folks like that just don't get it. What is America supposed to do, solve the world's problems? We ain't got time for that. We're the ones making the world great. Let somebody else come along who wants to do something for other people. Your little foolish buddy will one day recognize that his others-first attitude will only put him behind. Take that, liberal. One day you'll be his boss, "Proud Patriot," and on that day you can show him the error of his ways. People who stand in the way of our glorious economy will one day be run over it and crushed beneath it, as though it were some kind of unstoppable tank or maybe a badass Hummer or something. A yellow one with TVs.

AT ANY RATE, laugh at him for me when you've got him under your thumb. America style!

dear zteve, i have a ?.
i too like to give advice.
but my son gets angry whenever i do. can you help me? believe me, he needs help.
thank you.
"Carnivorous in Cuyahoga Falls"

Dear little boy or girl,
You should not play on the computer without Mommy or Daddy to help you, okay? There are lots of bad people out there on the Internet, and you need to stay safe.

No, of course, I should not mock my mom so much. Also, I should work on my made-up psuedonyms. Eh, whatever.

In response to your question, mother--er, "Carnivorous": you are plainly misinterpreting your child. What you believe is "anger" is in fact unmitigated appreciation and adoration of your every suggestion or piece of advice. I would make a suggestion to you, but you probably already have a better one!

Good luck and God bless!!

And lastly:

Dear Zteve,
If there's a fool in the woods, and no one is there to hear his Jibba Jabba, will Mr. T still pity him?
Devilish in Dayton

"Devilish,"

It has, unfortunately, been several years since this question made any sense. Mr. T was, at one time, the authority on making fun of people. This occurred in the mid-80s, at the height of "The A-Team," when "a fool" was truly the highest of insults, followed closely by "a person who is proud to be living in the eighties" and "Ronald Reagan-esque." Since then, language has changed a bit, friend. The current champion of the lame-ass insult: 12-year-olds on the Internet, for the fourth year in a row, with "faggot" and its variants.

So, in response to your question "If there's a person, will children on the Internet call him or her a faggot?", the answer is yes, always. That is, until the next new insult comes along. I'm still hoping for "Faulknerian man-child," myself.

Everyone else: send your questions. They are fun.

Meanwhile, STEP and Dayton are boring, and I want to be done.

Okay talk to you later.

Love,

Steve