Zteve Zays: the inaugural issue of my advice column.

flea123: steveo you know what would be hilarious
Steveo279: what??!
flea123: is if you did an ask steve blog
flea123: or made entries like that
Steveo279: hahaha FUCK THAT SHIT
Steveo279: i TOTALLY WILL
flea123: like dear ann landers
flea123: hahahaha hurray!!!

Thus are brilliant ideas born. In fact, I have never spoken with Tom Hanlon without brilliant ideas being birthed like so many furry puppies. Finally, my life has a purpose!!

It shall be called "Zteve Zays." I DEMAND YOUR QUESTIONS! I SHALL ANSWER THEM! And probably very well, too.

FIRST!

flea123: Dear Steveo:
flea123: I have a roommate who means well but is quite overbearing at times. Is there a way to establish a healthy medium with him without making him feel bad? - Floundering in Florida
P.S. He's also in a wheelchair. Should this matter?

Never fear, "Floundering in Florida"! Your top-secret identity is safe with Zteve! Hahahaha! Safe.

As for your question: let's call your roommate "Todd." Wheelchairy Todd. What is it about Todd you don't like? His silly-ass name? The volume or type of his music? The way he treats strangers? His favorite channels? The way everything he does grates on your soul? You need to toughen up and face the issues in your past that make you so intolerant and hateful toward Todd. Obviously you have some pent-up aggression toward the disabled, or people with shitty names, or maybe just roommates in general.

I understand what you're facing. I am currently in a similar situation. I won't name names, but his name rhymes with "Basin Lamb."

The best way to deal with an issue like this is to quietly subvert everything you dislike about Todd. If it's the music, don't play yours louder. That's much too confrontational to be effective. Instead, adopt his favorite band as your own, but choose a different favorite album and insist that it's superior. Ideally, he would love Neil Young, and you could insist that those crazy Eighties electronic albums rock. The same would apply with the Smashing Pumpkins and Adore or Weezer and anything recent.

If Todd is rude to service people, as you have told me he is, you can choose a few different tactics. The most difficult, probably, is to out-rude him. This has a low chance of teaching Todd that he's wrong, and a high chance of pissing off service people. On the other hand, it promises to be great fun. A better idea is to constantly remark on how hard a job serving tables, cleaning gutters, washing bathrooms, running registers, or stocking shelves must be. Obviously, since Wheelchairy Todd is in a wheelchair, he might not know. Maybe he thinks working the Mickey D's register is just a roll in the park.

ANYWAY your goal should be to annoy Todd just as much as he annoys you. If he wants to talk to you a lot, make yourself hard to talk to. Adopting a crazy basic theory--anti-evolution, subtle racism or cultural stereotyping, or an unshakeable faith in science are examples--and relating every conversation to that theory is a proven method of scaring off people. Trust me, as a Socialist, I know this. All you capitalist pigs do it. Good luck, "Floundering," and God bless!

Zteve.

WHO IS NEXT.

flea123: I'm nearing college graduation and fear the future. I know not even you could know what is in store for me, but do you have any tips on how to find what a truly suitable career would be?
flea123: Inquisitive in Indianapolis

"Inquisitive": I hear you, brother! Or possibly sister! That is a tough fucking question.

Lots of people like to say you should find something you enjoy, no matter the amount you're getting paid, because you won't get tired of it in a few years. If you love appearing in terrible local TV ads, become a car dealership owner. If you're passionate about scanning UPC bar codes, look into cashiering. If you are fascinated by fecal matter and bleach, try janitor-ing. If you want to be rich as fuck, own a few wage slaves as a CEO.

Of course, this theory makes no sense--there would be no janitors, no painters, NO HOBOS FOR GOD'S SAKE!! But I prefer to dislike it for a different reason--it is essentially selfish. It encourages everyone to do just what the fuck they want. It assumes your life is about you.

On the other hand, by asking me this question, "Inquisition," you've permitted me to do what the fuck I want with YOUR life. And I say unto you: your life is not your own. Spend it on other people. Graduate and take your degree to a third-world country and build houses all day. Join a political campaign or volunteer at a school or design a septic system for a poor neighborhood.

Good luck and, seriously, God bless.

Zteve.



Fuck, I mixed jokes and seriousness. Now nobody's going to take that advice seriously.

Send in your questions. I HAVE THE ANSWERS FUCKERS

Love,

Zteve