Zteve puts his foot down.

Man, no way am I answering like eight or nine questions right now.

But ZTEVE might!

But he probably won't.

But he might!

Dear Zteve,
Pirates or ninjas?
This seemingly simple question has been whispered in lecture halls throughout history, but I have never heard a convincing argument for either side. I am hoping you could bring closure to this debate. And what about Chuck Norris?
-Incognito in Indiana

Hahahaha your question is very very funny. I suppose. Now, I don't believe it's been "whispered in lecture halls throughout history," as it clearly reflects like sort of false irony prominent in VH1's "I Love the ___" and ironic t-shirts of all kinds. Something about the obsession with pirates, ninjas, and Jesus Christ ESPECIALLY Chuck Fucking Norris rings of this sort of sly, let-me-show-you-how-clever-I-am fake irony that makes me want to choke a kitten until--

BUT WAIT! Maybe I don't understand something here.

I believe this is an advice column. Zteve, is this not an advice column?

Fuckin', it definitely is an advice column. And your question? Oh, it don't ask for no advice.

The same is true for:

i want to know what race Jesus was
-perplexed from Parma

As well as:

Zteve-
Does God exist?
-Doubting in Dayton

And I know I'm a goddamn genius, but let's try to limit ourselves to advice, all right, people? If I'm going to be answering every little common knowledge question that crosses your minds, I'm not going to have time for all the important work I have to do around here. Please, in the future, phrase all questions as advice questions. Otherwise, I just can't answer you. I'm very sorry (all three are terrible, black, no).

Moving on!

Dear Zteve,
I really want to be in a rock'n roll band, but have no instrumental skills whatsoever. How do I trick my friends into forming a band with me, and allowing me to be the lead singer? Or, should I just learn an instrument (like I've said I would for 2 years)?
-Daydreaming in Dayton
p.s. HOW DO YOU TYPE WITH BOXING GLOVES ON YOUR HANDS?

Man, cool out, "Daydreaming"! Have you been living under a rock the past ten years? People with no talent are all the rage these days! Admitting you can't play an instrument is only the first step on your trip to success.

As I see it, you have two options here: "image" or "originality." Let's take an example in each category.

First, originality. I could bring up some obvious folks, like Radiohead, the Mars Volta, or even System of a Down as groups that might have a little talent sprinkled in, but get by on the fact that they are more inane, bizarre or ridiculous than anyone else out there. But I'll take shots at someone who I personally like very much; yet I still wonder why he is famous. I speak, of course, of Beck.

Now, I realize Beck can play lots of instruments. I believe he usually plays every guitar, bass and drum part on his albums. But none of these things is really all that notable, except that he manages to sound the same in many songs. What is outstanding about Beck? What is his element of originality? His absolutely ludicrous lyrics, naturally. Look: any fool can have two turntables and a microphone; it takes a true genius to go ahead and say so. The same is true, of course, for having a devil's haircut in one's mind. Only a brilliant lyricist would instruct us to move through the room like ambulance drivers.

Are you getting the point here, "Daydreaming"?
1. His brilliant lyrics really aren't that great. It's pretty much a musical word salad.
2. The man is high.
I'm not advocating the use of drugs. I'm only asking you to take Beck's example into consideration. He built his success on drugs and "originality," and I believe you can too.

On the other hand, success via image might be safer for your long-term health. Groups in this category vary widely, as there is a group or two for every possible social subset in your standard American high school. Let's keep it simple, shall we, Fall Out Boy? Once again, I've picked an artist whose music I occasionally enjoy, but let's face it: Fall Out Boy doesn't do anything Sum-41 and Blink-182 weren't doing five years ago. Their trick is to appear new, fresh, and exciting, with the help of a billion-dollar record company budget. How can you take advantage of the "image" tactic for success? Simple: you need to predict the next thing high school kids are going to be into, and ride that wave. In fact, maybe you could still ride the current wave of emo hair, tight t-shirts, and MySpace-like poutiness, if you move quickly.

In summary, my suggestion is to create a persona, and let the talent flock to you.

Rock on, and God bless you!

Dear Zteve,
I have been a hockey fan all my life, my favourite organization being the Ottawa Senators.
I am confused about something that maybe you can clear up.
What is the difference between "setting the tone" and "sending a message"? Oh, yeah, and who works harder--defensemen or forwards?
Thanks.
Confused in Kamloops

"Confused" (somehow my whole family tries to pass as Canadian):

I too have been ("bean") a hockey fan all my life, but my favourite organization ("organ-EYE-zation") has always been ("bean") Les Habitants de Montréal ("Habs").

The difference between setting the tone and sending a message is simple. Setting the tone works within a game, and therefore takes place early in the game, usually in the first period. It notifies the team you are against ("uh-GAINST", not "uh-GHENST") that your team will be the more physical, dominant team.

On the other hand, sending a message takes place in one game but is meant to influence later games. It is most often happens during playoff series, and occurs late in games. Its message is that you might be losing this one, but you hate the other team passionately and wish for bad things to happen to them.

As for the position that works the hardest, let's put it this way: the hardest-workin' man in hockey is plainly Vancouver Canucks right-winger Anson Carter, as you can see from the picture. So I guess forwards work harder than defensemen.

Thanks for your great question!

FUCK only after writing all of this do I realize this questions asks no advice from me! MAY GOD NOT BLESS YOU AND YOUR EVIL QUESTION!!!!!

Aaaaaand next!

Dear Zteve,
I installed Linux on my computer today. Should I find an underground dwelling in which to live and castrate myself immediately?
-1337 g33k

"Numbers Fellow:" What a fascinating question!

Now, I'll have you know I'm no old pen-and-paper No-Technology Nancy. I do believe I have an understanding of this modern-technology business. Christmas last, I did receive a Cellular Telephone, which I use regularly whilst polishing my typewriter, Cranking the Automobile, Stoking the fire, Abusing the maid, and limiting the rights of the Negro race, among my other Activities. While I do not own one of my own, I am familiar with the "iPod" device, which I do believe can capture more jungle rhythms, Singer-Persons, and jive bands than any previous device. In essence, I would describe myself as a Modern Man, fully capable of those Activities and Interactions necessary in our Industrious, Modern World.

Yet I cannot grasp your Query. Is this "Linux" of which you speak some form of Communist or Democratic Propaganda? Has it Heretical, Anti-Western, or Darwinist elements? Does it serve a Master beyond the Queen or our Lord? Is it Pacifist; that is, does it Oppose our magnificent military Might?

If the reply is Yes, or Yea, I would indeed recommend you retire beneath God's Earth. Yet it appears to me you are of Lower Breeding, without the Merits, Talents or Benefits of the well-bred among us. As such, you and Your Type should be relegated beneath our Soil, where you may live your days in humble Service to Our Class. I recommend you take your Godless Linux Device, as well, before it becomes the Target of our next Hunting Expedition.

Good Cheer and May God's Blessing go with your Rotten Soul!

Zteve has time for one more question, ladies and gentlemen. And please, let's make it a disgusting one. Ah, perfect!

Dear Zteve,

I made a bet with a friend back when I wsa an innocent little pre-collegiate girl that if we weren't "attached" to someone by senior year, that I would "do him up the ass with a double-ended dildo while our Indian friend commentated". Well, it's that time, and I don't think either of us are attached to anyone so do I have to hold true to my bet?

Nervous Nympho

You seem to have some bizarre understanding of the word "bet" that I do not. Here is a bet, to me: "I do hereby declare I shall Consume this entire Package of Oreos before the likes of You." Fuck, sorry. I'm still writing old school. "I'll eat these Oreos faster than you." "No, you won't." Then the two people eat the Oreos, and the one who eats them faster wins some sort of prize or something.

Now, your "bet": you will perform anal sex with a sex aid. That appears to be it. Where, exactly, is the "betting element"? For example, did he bet you wouldn't do it? That would form an actual bet, and one you could go ahead and lose if you want. But you do need something debated or contested to form a bet. So IS there one?? It seems pretty important to me. If there is no actual "bet," I would call this an agreement, not a bet. As an agreement, it can be broken if you and your friend agree to forget it. This would be the sanest and safest route. If, for his own reasons, he insists on fulfilling the agreement, then maybe in the future you should take more care to NOT agree to things like this.

In any case, use a lubricant, and God bless!

That's all this time. Send your questions IN THE FORM OF AN ADVICE QUESTION POOPY HEADS to Zteve today!

Coming up next: I'm debating something. You might know that smiley freak Ken Jennings got a little fresh regarding the show Jeopardy! and its host, Canuck Alex Trebek. Now I don't roll with that. It's that simple. You don't talk nothing about Trebek, you fucking twig. I will break you. And in my next post, I just might take Jennings to school. For my brother Trebek. After all, a website taught me how to burn you bad, you trivia bitch. Prepare yourself, Jennings. It's on! It's on! It's on!

Love,

Steve