Zteve puts his foot down.

Man, no way am I answering like eight or nine questions right now.

But ZTEVE might!

But he probably won't.

But he might!

Dear Zteve,
Pirates or ninjas?
This seemingly simple question has been whispered in lecture halls throughout history, but I have never heard a convincing argument for either side. I am hoping you could bring closure to this debate. And what about Chuck Norris?
-Incognito in Indiana

Hahahaha your question is very very funny. I suppose. Now, I don't believe it's been "whispered in lecture halls throughout history," as it clearly reflects like sort of false irony prominent in VH1's "I Love the ___" and ironic t-shirts of all kinds. Something about the obsession with pirates, ninjas, and Jesus Christ ESPECIALLY Chuck Fucking Norris rings of this sort of sly, let-me-show-you-how-clever-I-am fake irony that makes me want to choke a kitten until--

BUT WAIT! Maybe I don't understand something here.

I believe this is an advice column. Zteve, is this not an advice column?

Fuckin', it definitely is an advice column. And your question? Oh, it don't ask for no advice.

The same is true for:

i want to know what race Jesus was
-perplexed from Parma

As well as:

Zteve-
Does God exist?
-Doubting in Dayton

And I know I'm a goddamn genius, but let's try to limit ourselves to advice, all right, people? If I'm going to be answering every little common knowledge question that crosses your minds, I'm not going to have time for all the important work I have to do around here. Please, in the future, phrase all questions as advice questions. Otherwise, I just can't answer you. I'm very sorry (all three are terrible, black, no).

Moving on!

Dear Zteve,
I really want to be in a rock'n roll band, but have no instrumental skills whatsoever. How do I trick my friends into forming a band with me, and allowing me to be the lead singer? Or, should I just learn an instrument (like I've said I would for 2 years)?
-Daydreaming in Dayton
p.s. HOW DO YOU TYPE WITH BOXING GLOVES ON YOUR HANDS?

Man, cool out, "Daydreaming"! Have you been living under a rock the past ten years? People with no talent are all the rage these days! Admitting you can't play an instrument is only the first step on your trip to success.

As I see it, you have two options here: "image" or "originality." Let's take an example in each category.

First, originality. I could bring up some obvious folks, like Radiohead, the Mars Volta, or even System of a Down as groups that might have a little talent sprinkled in, but get by on the fact that they are more inane, bizarre or ridiculous than anyone else out there. But I'll take shots at someone who I personally like very much; yet I still wonder why he is famous. I speak, of course, of Beck.

Now, I realize Beck can play lots of instruments. I believe he usually plays every guitar, bass and drum part on his albums. But none of these things is really all that notable, except that he manages to sound the same in many songs. What is outstanding about Beck? What is his element of originality? His absolutely ludicrous lyrics, naturally. Look: any fool can have two turntables and a microphone; it takes a true genius to go ahead and say so. The same is true, of course, for having a devil's haircut in one's mind. Only a brilliant lyricist would instruct us to move through the room like ambulance drivers.

Are you getting the point here, "Daydreaming"?
1. His brilliant lyrics really aren't that great. It's pretty much a musical word salad.
2. The man is high.
I'm not advocating the use of drugs. I'm only asking you to take Beck's example into consideration. He built his success on drugs and "originality," and I believe you can too.

On the other hand, success via image might be safer for your long-term health. Groups in this category vary widely, as there is a group or two for every possible social subset in your standard American high school. Let's keep it simple, shall we, Fall Out Boy? Once again, I've picked an artist whose music I occasionally enjoy, but let's face it: Fall Out Boy doesn't do anything Sum-41 and Blink-182 weren't doing five years ago. Their trick is to appear new, fresh, and exciting, with the help of a billion-dollar record company budget. How can you take advantage of the "image" tactic for success? Simple: you need to predict the next thing high school kids are going to be into, and ride that wave. In fact, maybe you could still ride the current wave of emo hair, tight t-shirts, and MySpace-like poutiness, if you move quickly.

In summary, my suggestion is to create a persona, and let the talent flock to you.

Rock on, and God bless you!

Dear Zteve,
I have been a hockey fan all my life, my favourite organization being the Ottawa Senators.
I am confused about something that maybe you can clear up.
What is the difference between "setting the tone" and "sending a message"? Oh, yeah, and who works harder--defensemen or forwards?
Thanks.
Confused in Kamloops

"Confused" (somehow my whole family tries to pass as Canadian):

I too have been ("bean") a hockey fan all my life, but my favourite organization ("organ-EYE-zation") has always been ("bean") Les Habitants de Montréal ("Habs").

The difference between setting the tone and sending a message is simple. Setting the tone works within a game, and therefore takes place early in the game, usually in the first period. It notifies the team you are against ("uh-GAINST", not "uh-GHENST") that your team will be the more physical, dominant team.

On the other hand, sending a message takes place in one game but is meant to influence later games. It is most often happens during playoff series, and occurs late in games. Its message is that you might be losing this one, but you hate the other team passionately and wish for bad things to happen to them.

As for the position that works the hardest, let's put it this way: the hardest-workin' man in hockey is plainly Vancouver Canucks right-winger Anson Carter, as you can see from the picture. So I guess forwards work harder than defensemen.

Thanks for your great question!

FUCK only after writing all of this do I realize this questions asks no advice from me! MAY GOD NOT BLESS YOU AND YOUR EVIL QUESTION!!!!!

Aaaaaand next!

Dear Zteve,
I installed Linux on my computer today. Should I find an underground dwelling in which to live and castrate myself immediately?
-1337 g33k

"Numbers Fellow:" What a fascinating question!

Now, I'll have you know I'm no old pen-and-paper No-Technology Nancy. I do believe I have an understanding of this modern-technology business. Christmas last, I did receive a Cellular Telephone, which I use regularly whilst polishing my typewriter, Cranking the Automobile, Stoking the fire, Abusing the maid, and limiting the rights of the Negro race, among my other Activities. While I do not own one of my own, I am familiar with the "iPod" device, which I do believe can capture more jungle rhythms, Singer-Persons, and jive bands than any previous device. In essence, I would describe myself as a Modern Man, fully capable of those Activities and Interactions necessary in our Industrious, Modern World.

Yet I cannot grasp your Query. Is this "Linux" of which you speak some form of Communist or Democratic Propaganda? Has it Heretical, Anti-Western, or Darwinist elements? Does it serve a Master beyond the Queen or our Lord? Is it Pacifist; that is, does it Oppose our magnificent military Might?

If the reply is Yes, or Yea, I would indeed recommend you retire beneath God's Earth. Yet it appears to me you are of Lower Breeding, without the Merits, Talents or Benefits of the well-bred among us. As such, you and Your Type should be relegated beneath our Soil, where you may live your days in humble Service to Our Class. I recommend you take your Godless Linux Device, as well, before it becomes the Target of our next Hunting Expedition.

Good Cheer and May God's Blessing go with your Rotten Soul!

Zteve has time for one more question, ladies and gentlemen. And please, let's make it a disgusting one. Ah, perfect!

Dear Zteve,

I made a bet with a friend back when I wsa an innocent little pre-collegiate girl that if we weren't "attached" to someone by senior year, that I would "do him up the ass with a double-ended dildo while our Indian friend commentated". Well, it's that time, and I don't think either of us are attached to anyone so do I have to hold true to my bet?

Nervous Nympho

You seem to have some bizarre understanding of the word "bet" that I do not. Here is a bet, to me: "I do hereby declare I shall Consume this entire Package of Oreos before the likes of You." Fuck, sorry. I'm still writing old school. "I'll eat these Oreos faster than you." "No, you won't." Then the two people eat the Oreos, and the one who eats them faster wins some sort of prize or something.

Now, your "bet": you will perform anal sex with a sex aid. That appears to be it. Where, exactly, is the "betting element"? For example, did he bet you wouldn't do it? That would form an actual bet, and one you could go ahead and lose if you want. But you do need something debated or contested to form a bet. So IS there one?? It seems pretty important to me. If there is no actual "bet," I would call this an agreement, not a bet. As an agreement, it can be broken if you and your friend agree to forget it. This would be the sanest and safest route. If, for his own reasons, he insists on fulfilling the agreement, then maybe in the future you should take more care to NOT agree to things like this.

In any case, use a lubricant, and God bless!

That's all this time. Send your questions IN THE FORM OF AN ADVICE QUESTION POOPY HEADS to Zteve today!

Coming up next: I'm debating something. You might know that smiley freak Ken Jennings got a little fresh regarding the show Jeopardy! and its host, Canuck Alex Trebek. Now I don't roll with that. It's that simple. You don't talk nothing about Trebek, you fucking twig. I will break you. And in my next post, I just might take Jennings to school. For my brother Trebek. After all, a website taught me how to burn you bad, you trivia bitch. Prepare yourself, Jennings. It's on! It's on! It's on!

Love,

Steve

Man, why you even got to do a thing?

I have to break in and put the bizarre popularity of Zteve on hold for just a minute here. There's something not important to tell you.

Achewood is really funny. Matt showed me this website a few years ago, but I was way too ignorant to notice its brilliance. Now, to make up for it, I'll pimp it to you, dear readers.

The basic cast is Philippe, Ray, Roast Beef (also here, here, and here with Ray), Cornelius, Pat (as described by Roast Beef), Nice Pete (please read the following few strips, too), Lie Bot (with Todd), Todd, Teodor, and Lyle. Then there are a few others as well.

Please, please start at the beginning, as I did, and just start reading. The characters are absolutely hilarious. If you get bored, try jumping to my favorite character, Roast Beef, in his exploits. His first, "Beef on Moon" in the "Jump to a Story Arc" menu, is really funny. He is so damn depressing.

I predict Tom Hanlon will love these comic strips. I predict most of you will think they're not very funny, and I challenge you to put a real effort into reading them. They are about ten times funnier than any strip printed in the newspaper.

Okay, enjoy that. Zteve will triumphantly return to answer your questions when he ACTUALLY GETS SOME GOOD QUESTIONS.

No, really, expect that post within a couple days.

Love,

Steve

Zteve Zays a few more things.

The first issue of Zteve Zays, the previous post, was such an immense smash hit that I'm doing it again!! Ladies and gentlemen, may I present Zteve!

Dear Zteve Zays,
I've been seeing this girl for the past six to eight months now. We're mutually attracted, we converse well, we have a healthy sex life, etc.
We're at the point in the relationship now where it feels like something more should happen: we should stay together more often, we should meet each others' parents, etc. I guess we're both dragging our feet.
I guess at the root of the issue is that bachelor(ette) hood is our last sign of adolescence. We are both in our late twenties and relatively satisfied with our careers. We're both tacitly acknowledging that if we end up married, we will become suburban parents in the blink of an eye.
Also, very recently, she has mastered this skill wherein she exhales with considerable force through her nostrils and it makes an impressive whistling sound that rises in pitch for a few seconds before it fades.
This was amusing for perhaps the first fifteen minutes I heard it, but she does it all the time now: waiting in line at the bank, at a baseball game, etc.
So, Zteve, should I knock her up or kill her?
Thanks,
Cautious in Calgary

"Cautious":

Intercourse before marriage is an abomination of God's creation. For the sake of your souls, you should kill her and then yourself, pleading the Lord for forgiveness.

Good luck and thanks for writing!

NEXT!

Dear Zteve,
There is someone at my local school paper who keeps expressing anti-American ideas. This bothers me because the media told me America is awesome and I don't like questioning my pre-conceived notions.
I've tried just complaining and waiting for someone else to do something about it, like I solve all my problems. I've also tried responding with personal attacks and representing my opinions as fact, but he continues to express his opinions.
Is there someway I can make him shut up and appreciate all the wonders of America, like freedom of expression or the destruction of other cultures by forcibly implementing our ideas?
Sincerely, Proud Patriot.

"Proud Patriot":

Thanks for your very moving letter. It is truly an inspiring message from a true American. Just the other day, as I was thinking about 9/11 (never forget), waving an American flag (Old Glory), saluting an American soldier (support our troops), putting on my "NYPD/FDNY" hat (respect our heroes), praying to my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ (eternal life is mine!), applying a "Support Our Troops" bumper magnet (to my SUV), changing the TV channel (Wild'n Out), double-fisting Wendy's triples (do what tastes right), buying NASCAR tickets (I watch for the crashes), checking out from WalMart (always low prices), and stroking a noble bald eagle (caw caw), I realized how great this nation is. America. I just fuckin' love it, fellow patriot.

As for your question: folks like that just don't get it. What is America supposed to do, solve the world's problems? We ain't got time for that. We're the ones making the world great. Let somebody else come along who wants to do something for other people. Your little foolish buddy will one day recognize that his others-first attitude will only put him behind. Take that, liberal. One day you'll be his boss, "Proud Patriot," and on that day you can show him the error of his ways. People who stand in the way of our glorious economy will one day be run over it and crushed beneath it, as though it were some kind of unstoppable tank or maybe a badass Hummer or something. A yellow one with TVs.

AT ANY RATE, laugh at him for me when you've got him under your thumb. America style!

dear zteve, i have a ?.
i too like to give advice.
but my son gets angry whenever i do. can you help me? believe me, he needs help.
thank you.
"Carnivorous in Cuyahoga Falls"

Dear little boy or girl,
You should not play on the computer without Mommy or Daddy to help you, okay? There are lots of bad people out there on the Internet, and you need to stay safe.

No, of course, I should not mock my mom so much. Also, I should work on my made-up psuedonyms. Eh, whatever.

In response to your question, mother--er, "Carnivorous": you are plainly misinterpreting your child. What you believe is "anger" is in fact unmitigated appreciation and adoration of your every suggestion or piece of advice. I would make a suggestion to you, but you probably already have a better one!

Good luck and God bless!!

And lastly:

Dear Zteve,
If there's a fool in the woods, and no one is there to hear his Jibba Jabba, will Mr. T still pity him?
Devilish in Dayton

"Devilish,"

It has, unfortunately, been several years since this question made any sense. Mr. T was, at one time, the authority on making fun of people. This occurred in the mid-80s, at the height of "The A-Team," when "a fool" was truly the highest of insults, followed closely by "a person who is proud to be living in the eighties" and "Ronald Reagan-esque." Since then, language has changed a bit, friend. The current champion of the lame-ass insult: 12-year-olds on the Internet, for the fourth year in a row, with "faggot" and its variants.

So, in response to your question "If there's a person, will children on the Internet call him or her a faggot?", the answer is yes, always. That is, until the next new insult comes along. I'm still hoping for "Faulknerian man-child," myself.

Everyone else: send your questions. They are fun.

Meanwhile, STEP and Dayton are boring, and I want to be done.

Okay talk to you later.

Love,

Steve

Zteve Zays: the inaugural issue of my advice column.

flea123: steveo you know what would be hilarious
Steveo279: what??!
flea123: is if you did an ask steve blog
flea123: or made entries like that
Steveo279: hahaha FUCK THAT SHIT
Steveo279: i TOTALLY WILL
flea123: like dear ann landers
flea123: hahahaha hurray!!!

Thus are brilliant ideas born. In fact, I have never spoken with Tom Hanlon without brilliant ideas being birthed like so many furry puppies. Finally, my life has a purpose!!

It shall be called "Zteve Zays." I DEMAND YOUR QUESTIONS! I SHALL ANSWER THEM! And probably very well, too.

FIRST!

flea123: Dear Steveo:
flea123: I have a roommate who means well but is quite overbearing at times. Is there a way to establish a healthy medium with him without making him feel bad? - Floundering in Florida
P.S. He's also in a wheelchair. Should this matter?

Never fear, "Floundering in Florida"! Your top-secret identity is safe with Zteve! Hahahaha! Safe.

As for your question: let's call your roommate "Todd." Wheelchairy Todd. What is it about Todd you don't like? His silly-ass name? The volume or type of his music? The way he treats strangers? His favorite channels? The way everything he does grates on your soul? You need to toughen up and face the issues in your past that make you so intolerant and hateful toward Todd. Obviously you have some pent-up aggression toward the disabled, or people with shitty names, or maybe just roommates in general.

I understand what you're facing. I am currently in a similar situation. I won't name names, but his name rhymes with "Basin Lamb."

The best way to deal with an issue like this is to quietly subvert everything you dislike about Todd. If it's the music, don't play yours louder. That's much too confrontational to be effective. Instead, adopt his favorite band as your own, but choose a different favorite album and insist that it's superior. Ideally, he would love Neil Young, and you could insist that those crazy Eighties electronic albums rock. The same would apply with the Smashing Pumpkins and Adore or Weezer and anything recent.

If Todd is rude to service people, as you have told me he is, you can choose a few different tactics. The most difficult, probably, is to out-rude him. This has a low chance of teaching Todd that he's wrong, and a high chance of pissing off service people. On the other hand, it promises to be great fun. A better idea is to constantly remark on how hard a job serving tables, cleaning gutters, washing bathrooms, running registers, or stocking shelves must be. Obviously, since Wheelchairy Todd is in a wheelchair, he might not know. Maybe he thinks working the Mickey D's register is just a roll in the park.

ANYWAY your goal should be to annoy Todd just as much as he annoys you. If he wants to talk to you a lot, make yourself hard to talk to. Adopting a crazy basic theory--anti-evolution, subtle racism or cultural stereotyping, or an unshakeable faith in science are examples--and relating every conversation to that theory is a proven method of scaring off people. Trust me, as a Socialist, I know this. All you capitalist pigs do it. Good luck, "Floundering," and God bless!

Zteve.

WHO IS NEXT.

flea123: I'm nearing college graduation and fear the future. I know not even you could know what is in store for me, but do you have any tips on how to find what a truly suitable career would be?
flea123: Inquisitive in Indianapolis

"Inquisitive": I hear you, brother! Or possibly sister! That is a tough fucking question.

Lots of people like to say you should find something you enjoy, no matter the amount you're getting paid, because you won't get tired of it in a few years. If you love appearing in terrible local TV ads, become a car dealership owner. If you're passionate about scanning UPC bar codes, look into cashiering. If you are fascinated by fecal matter and bleach, try janitor-ing. If you want to be rich as fuck, own a few wage slaves as a CEO.

Of course, this theory makes no sense--there would be no janitors, no painters, NO HOBOS FOR GOD'S SAKE!! But I prefer to dislike it for a different reason--it is essentially selfish. It encourages everyone to do just what the fuck they want. It assumes your life is about you.

On the other hand, by asking me this question, "Inquisition," you've permitted me to do what the fuck I want with YOUR life. And I say unto you: your life is not your own. Spend it on other people. Graduate and take your degree to a third-world country and build houses all day. Join a political campaign or volunteer at a school or design a septic system for a poor neighborhood.

Good luck and, seriously, God bless.

Zteve.



Fuck, I mixed jokes and seriousness. Now nobody's going to take that advice seriously.

Send in your questions. I HAVE THE ANSWERS FUCKERS

Love,

Zteve

Finally an update for my sweet prince.

All right, Teresa's been here since Tuesday and she's going back early tomorrow morning. TIME FLIES WHEN YOU'RE HAVING FUN and we've been trying hard to have fun in Dayton, Ohio.

As far as STEP, not much is going on. I missed a tutoring session Tuesday evening because I was stuck in traffic picking up Teresa from the airport. Whoops. Nobody seemed to mind too much. Let's be honest: the students didn't miss a whole lot. I'm getting better at the running-tutorial thing but I'm not great at it.

STEP is now half over and I'm ready for it to be totally over. It's not painful or very difficult. It's just--as I believe I've mentioned before here--somewhat BORING AS FUCK to be here.

In international news: Israel reminds the rest of the Middle East why it is so hated.

Teresa and I went down to Brett's house the other day and that was fun. We played a game called "Apples to Apples." I declare myself the winner. We had margaritas and they were acceptable.

I'm working on ideas for Flyer News articles for next year. I heard from a few people that I might be the "Liberal" writer in a sort of debate-style setup in the opinions section next year. No idea who my counterpart would be. I think that will be fun and the UD campus will declare me the loser routinely, although judging from what I've heard from people about my previous articles it would be close. I think my problem is that I'm not very polite or gracious at all.

I've had a few ideas for articles, but they wouldn't work well in a format like that. My best idea is to write about the student protests in Chile that happened while we were there, and about how I think they should happen here in urban public schools but probably never will. Cheerful, I know.

So let me know if you have any suggestions for next year's articles.

And I'll talk to you later.


Love,

Stevie.

Two weeks down. I think time has slowed down.

Maaaan Lolita was really good. I liked it. I would recommend it to just about anyone.

In the Afterword, Russian author Vladimir Nabokov says one of his regrets in his writing career is that he had to quit writing in Russian and switch to English, in order to remain popular and avoid Russian censorship (Lolita was published in 1955). He says he is clumsy with English and would rather use Russian because he's more graceful with it.

No way is this true. Lolita has some really amazing writing, word play, word invention, and puns--and yes, I approve of these puns, because they're completely different from most. His writing is better than almost anyone I've read.

Of course, before I go praising the hell out of Lolita, I should retract my statement that I would recommend it to just about anyone. I would not recommend it to people who can't get beyond the basic plot of the story--37-year-old Humbert Humbert loves 12-year-old Dolores Haze--to see any value in the book. I know there are people who would refuse to recognize the brilliance of the book just because, eww, gross. These people I'm imagining are shallow-minded and silly and I would recommend something basic like Green Eggs and Ham for them to start with. Anything but the Bible, basically.

For most, though, the insanity and recklessness and terrible thoughts of Humbert Humbert will be a wonderful thing to read. As I've said about the book: The character is clearly terrifying and awful, but the book is still great. In a way you cheer for him, but you also want him to fail.

One rather disturbing aspect of Lolita: after having read it, I have some difficulty looking at girls Lolita's age. I'm not attracted to them, but I can't help thinking "Ugh...there are people who would be (are, I guess) attracted to you." It's very sad. Anyway, read it.

In other news, I went to Cincinnati this weekend for a wedding of people I didn't know. Jess Coyle invited me; her friend from high school was marrying an Australian guy. It was awesome to see Jess, Jay and Leslie. They are hilarious. The wedding was pretty much the perfect size, in my opinion. I don't know how many people were there--like 100? Maybe more? I don't know. If you're reading this, sure, you're invited, whatever. Hanging out with Jay, Leslie and Jess was really fun and I should have started theater sooner. OH WELL.

Coming up: just a little more sitting around. Next is A Farewell to Arms by Ernest Hemingway. Forty-two pages in, it looks really good too. It's about an American in the Italian army during World War I. He drives an ambulance. I think I like the Hemingway writing style.

Besides that, not much going on.

OH WAIT TERESA IS COMING TO DAYTON on Tuesday that should be fun. As much as I claim I've been doing nothing around here, she hasn't had a job since she's returned from Australia--just studying for the MCAT test. Therefore, by comparison, Dayton should be fun for her. She's going to be here a week. She's going to be bored while I do tutoring, but whatever.

That is all. You take care now.

Wait.


Title: Lolita

Author: Vladimir Nabokov

Year: 1955

Grade: B.

Positives: Fascinating description of Humbert Humbert's feelings toward Lolita, and an equally fascinating portrait of the indifferent, semi-mature "nymphet"; great descriptions of 1950s America that absolutely hold true today.

Negatives: some might fear the subject matter; ending sort of winds down rather than reaching any sort of climax.

Summary: There is no doubt this book will make a lasting impact on most readers. Its descriptions of H.H.'s love for Lolita are sometimes overwhelmingly sad and beautiful, and other times repulsive. I really like it. I do think everyone should give it a chance.

Okay good bye.

Love,

Steve

Why are there never any great WHOLESOME novels?

Teresa's coming to Dayton this coming Tuesday. It's going to be very exciting. She's been in Texas since she got back from Australia, studying for the MCAT. I think we're both sitting around doing very little.

In international news: Palestinians and Israelis continue to disappoint any reasonable person. Some Palestinians--not necessarily the government but probably some people who identify with the ruling party--kidnapped an Israeli soldier about two weeks ago. Israel has pretty much marched all over Palestine since then, kidnapping Palestinian MPs and dropping bombs and rolling tanks into Gaza. Maybe an overreaction? Maybe killing Palestinian citizens isn't exactly a solution?

Oh, by the way: if you're a government, and you aren't at war, and you kill someone without trial, they're a citizen and you're a murderer. Not a tough concept. In fact, even if you do have a trial, I'm not sure that absolves you. If Israel is at war with Palestine, I would suggest the U.S. government stop giving money to Israel. I don't think Israel would say they're exactly at war, though. They want to continue to fire missles at Palestine without all the messy technicalities of helping Palestine once they win the war.

Anyway, I did read a comment on BBC News that made a pretty good point, I thought: U.S. soldiers get captured somewhat regularly, and the U.S. doesn't flip out the way Israel has.

Then I realized, it's a little harder to find our U.S. soldiers. All we know is that they're somewhere in Iraq, maybe in the same city where they were captured. If it was as easy as heading to the Iraqi equivalent of the West Bank or Gaza, I have no doubt the U.S. would fire a big old American load of missles at that area. You know, just like Israelis have been doing.

In my opinion, Israel should have agreed to a prisoner exchange to get the soldier back. Would that encourage more soldier kidnappings? Maybe, I don't know. The thing is, my plan if I were Israeli PM would look so different from the current one that saying what I would do in a given situation barely makes sense. I would do everything differently.

So that's what I'm thinking about Israel and Palestine.

And lastly: I went to the library yesterday and got out four books:
Lolita, by Vladimir Nabokov
For Whom the Bell Tolls, by Ernest Hemingway
A Farewell to Arms, by Ernest Hemingway
and On the Road, by Jack Kerouac.

I started with Lolita. For those who don't know, it's the story of Humbert Humbert, a nearly-forty-year-old European man, and his love for Lolita Haze, a twelve-year-old American girl. Once again: him: 37. Her: 12. Book: awesome. So far it's been rreeeeaaalllllyy fuckin' good, as Brad would say. It's narrated by Humbert Humbert, and he just says crazy shit and it's awesome. His obsession with Lolita is really amazing to read. There really are some beautiful passages.

But please don't take this as an endorsement of pedophilia. Nabokov used to point out that Humbert is a monster, and I would agree. He's pretty fucked up. But it makes an awesome book.

I'll tell you more when I'm done.

This weekend, I'm going to a wedding in Cincinnati (Jess, Leslie and Jota? Come on!), then Teresa comes at the beginning of next week. In between: Humbert Humbert!

Talk to you later.

Love,

Steve

Today is a good day I think for comics!

Friends, do I even need to bother with my opinions on the Fourth of July?

I don't think so. You know me well enough. So I'll spare you the rambling. Most of you could write my rant for me anyway.

Instead, I think I'll talk about A Softer World. It's a comic strip, pretty much. It consists of three pictures with words written across them, written by Emily Horne and Joey Corneau. There are absolutely no themes or consistencies among the strips--each stands on its own.

I'm not totally sure I like it. I mean, sometimes it makes me laugh out loud. Sometimes it's serious and really well-done and well-written. And sometimes it's silly as hell.

Examples:
Laugh out loud.
Serious and badass.
Silly as hell.

Also, I love this one and this one and this one. Sometimes I just sit there clicking the back button over and over, reading ones I've read before. They're pretty cool.

As you know, I love Dinosaur Comics at Qwantz.com. I highly recommend them to anyone.

That's about it. No class today. Free food later, I think. Until then: sitting around!

Love,

Steve

Visitors make Dayton livable. Pretty much.

One week down of STEP, and of sitting around Dayton. Five left.

This weekend Alyssa came in from Indiana to visit everyone here. She stayed with me in Founders. Somehow this did not result in 1,000,000 violent arguments.

No, actually, it was fun. We went down to Kentucky to visit the UDSAP house, the students on volunteer/retreat in Appalachia. Sam and I agreed it was a little too retreat-like, but whatever. I got to hang out with Patty J and Carolyn Slott and Ken Farrell. That was Friday night. Then Saturday we sat around, went over to Joe's apartment, played poker, watched a couple movies. Sunday we went to Brett's.

Tony Storti came in this weekend and stayed down at Brett's house. He says Europe was awesome, especially Germany. At least, it was better than the fifty-five-hour weeks he's putting in at the factory now. We did lots more sitting around Sunday.

It was pretty much glorious.

Today we watch Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind for English class, then finish it in my tutorial tonight. So I have nothing at all to do, except probably explain the students' grades on the previous paper. But don't let me complain about this job. It is 2,000 times better than Stuart Hall housekeeping.

Let me know what's going on in your lives!

Love,

Steve